My ex husband is in a rehab/ prison type of place... I am now married to a wonderful man who is very good to my children... My question is should i take my children to visit him in this place when he was out him and his wife live in the same town and he didn't bother to spend time with my kids then his new wife and kid were enough for him but now that he is locked up he wants a realtionship with my kids because his wife only visits once a month i do not want to put my kids though the hurt of he only wants somthing to do with them when he is in prison so after 4 months i filled out paperwork to visit it is a 5 hr drive from where we live . Should i take the kids to see him? My husband is not happy about this but would never tell me what to do about it after all i do not interfer with his ec gf and the kids they share.. Any advice is welcome..
2006-06-09 08:41:08 · 9 answers · asked by Amy M 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
in response to how old my kids are my son is 12 and daughter is 7
2006-06-09 08:49:27 · update #1
Hi Amy, I think a lot of the advice here is pretty good.
Chances are that he just feels sorry for himself (as you've suggested) and since his new family isn't available, he's sitting around thinking about his old one, much as an alcoholic sits around drunk and feels like he loves everyone...
That's probably what's going on (and he probably even believes himself to be sincere!). But you still never can be sure what the truth is.
How much do you want to help him, and how much do you want him involved with your family now?
I think at some point you SHOULD ask your kids what they think, and see how you can accommodate their wishes. (They're old enough.)
But first I would check things out. If you feel comfortable visiting him, do it once, to see how he acts, what he says, how sincere his intentions are. Go with your gut instinct on this one, don't let him try to fool you. I think you will know... and if you're not sure, then postpone involving the kids until you ARE sure.
A good step, like someone else suggested, is him writing a letter to you to give to the kids. He has lots of time on his hands. If he cares, he will take action to communicate first rather than sitting around begging other people to do all the work and come to him.
(Screen the letter first, in case he says inappropriate things or things you think will be harmful for the kids)
Five hours is a far distance. Don't include the kids until you're sure it's best for everyone involved. Even then, realistically, they will not be much involved in his life or vice versa.
Your current husband sounds wonderful. I would take his advice seriously (I'm sure you are, but just stressing it); he probably has a good handle on what is best.
[Personally, I am feeling that you can do the letter but postpone any physical interaction between him and the kids -- a choice to be revisited at a later date.]
I think it's great you are open to everyone and want to do the best thing. Again, do what you think is best for your kids in the long run. Don't let him use them.
2006-06-09 10:42:11 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 12⤊ 3⤋
no way girl move on!! that is for reals let me tell you from experience their always ready for relationships and a new start when there in that kind of place but putting your kids through this could be dangerous because of the fact that when they get out of that kind of place there gone and or go back to the same ol' person they were before leaving your kids high and dry. My personnal advice is just don't go there..
2006-06-09 18:17:45 · answer #2 · answered by ramon M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't feel you should take your children to go see him... and he shouldn't want his children to see him anyway in that kind of sitiation.
Girl go ahead on with your life, he has to show the effort that he wants to be there for his kids when he gets out, because what does that look like... the kids is showing him support even though he is locked up.. but when he wasn't locked up he couldn't even spend time with his own kids....
You have to give respect to get it. and I believe he disrespected his kids as soon as he got locked up... because he is definately no good to the children now.... all locked up.....
I feel he needs to get his self together before he even tryies to be in the children's lives. because he isn't a very good role model at all.. I hope you feel me girl... and you will do the right thing... but don't let your children see their father locked up... thats not cool.
2006-06-09 15:55:05 · answer #3 · answered by TeTe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your ex is just feeling sorry for himself and wants someone to come see him. I would tell him that seeing him in a rehab center isn't the place to try to re-establish a relationship with his children. It would be scary and unhealthy for your children to visit him there.
Then tell him that, on the other hand, when he gets out of rehab he can re-establish his relationship with them though scheduled visits at that time.
This, in the end, will be the best for everyone.
2006-06-09 16:04:17 · answer #4 · answered by Bud 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't say how old your children were, if they're old enough, ask their opinion - talk with them about visiting him. Talk to a counselor at their school to get their opinion also. They're experienced in these matters.
Maybe you should visit him alone first, see his reaction, gauge his responses, ask him "why now" do you want to see your kids, when you didn't have anything to do with them in the first place.
2006-06-09 15:45:55 · answer #5 · answered by joe's wife 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he really wants to start a relationship with them, tell him to send a letter to them and then let them communicate that way for a while (that is, if the kids even want to). If he doesn't think that's enough, he doesn't really want the relationship.
2006-06-09 17:19:30 · answer #6 · answered by thersa33 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When he was out was he clean or sober? If not then I could see now that he is in rehab clean and sober how he would want a relationship with the children now that he might? be thinking more clear.
2006-06-10 08:02:16 · answer #7 · answered by born 2 d-mn romantic 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
they are old enough for u to sit talk too, tell them what's going on and let them decide and then talk to your husband about their wishes
2006-06-09 16:16:44 · answer #8 · answered by jeanna64 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, get on with your new life.
2006-06-09 15:45:51 · answer #9 · answered by foxshark33 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋