He dosen't trust me at all. I had an affair when we first got together. He tells me that he will not be able to gain my trust until we move out of this town. He says he'll always thinks the worse. He tells me he would hate to feel stupid because he's been so faithfull to me and for me to come out with something like that would really hurt him. We are planning to move out of state in the next year. Should I have patience with him till then or what can I do? He's a great husband and father, it's just his jelousy issue.
2006-06-09 06:55:26 · 14 answers · asked by yo_010180 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you love him and considering how you hurt him in the beginning then I think you have to be patient and give him time. He says moving will make a difference in his ability to move past the issue so give that a chance. In the meantime, his jealousy is probably more a lack of trust and that's understandable. I think though it's fair for you to tell him that you understand his feelings and know that until you move he's going to have this issue of trust but at the same time you deserve, your marriage deserves, more understanding from him too and that he should try and allow more trust and belief in you.
Best Wishes !
2006-06-09 07:05:22 · answer #1 · answered by fun_guy_otown 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has it been over 2 years since the affair? If it has, he needs councelling. Its gone from mistrust to holding a grudge. Its something he can drag out and hurt you with, or use as an excuse at his convenience. Has he made any progress in all this time? Does he refer to it at least once a month? If he cannot move past this and its been years, then something is messed up. Marriage councelling could be the answer.
Yes, you cheated. Yup, it was a horrible thing to do. But he didn't divorce you. So that means he wants to try and make this work. Trying means getting better, not throwing it in your face until one of you dies .
2006-06-09 14:00:35 · answer #2 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As several others have already stated...this is NOT "his jealousy issue". The real issue is your infidelity and betrayal of the commitment the two of you made to each other. Until you focus on the real issue and accept full responsibility for your actions...there is little that you can say or do to help him reach the closure he needs to have before trust can be re-established.
This is not about you having patience with him. This is about you owning up to your error and not making excuses for what you did. You can expect him to think the worst as long as you do not show heartfelt (sincere) remorse for your actions.
I assure you...a change in geographic location will not make it all go away. Your husband may think it will...but, truth be told, this is not about geography. This is about your past unwillingness and/or inability to remain faithful to one who has placed a high value on the relationship between the two of you.
If you truly wish to mend your damaged marriage, you need to shift your focus and adjust your thinking. Try to see this from his perspective. How would you feel if he had cheated on you? How easy would it be for you to forget the betrayal? What would you expect from him with regards to making amends and regaining trust. If you are asking yourself these questions...remember to answer them honestly and not in a way that makes everything easier on you.
You need to take some time to fully appreciate how devastating this news was to your husband. You need to take the time to validate his feelings of betrayal and pain instead of trying to minimize your actions and the effect that you *think* they should have. What he feels is real and ever-present to him. Whether, or not, you feel the depth of his pain and sense of betrayal is appropriate is irrelevant. What IS relevant is the fact that this is what he feels and you are the one that brought about those feelings.
Once you fully grasp that...you have a chance at repairing the damage. If you know that certain behaviors are viewed by him as inappropriate...you need to avoid those behaviors (regardless of whether, or not, you agree). You need to take the time to not only *hear* what he is saying...but to also *listen and absorb* what he is saying. Only then will you be able to open the lines of communication enough to promote healing and the strengthening of your relationship.
I wish the two of you all the best in repairing what has been damaged.
2006-06-09 18:06:35 · answer #3 · answered by sprouty_1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you for real? I agree with javelin. What do you expect? For him to forget about it and act like nothing happened? You hurt him and betrayed him and is hard to live with that.
Accept responsability for YOUR actions and be truly sorry (I'm sure you have a very logical explanation for cheating , bla bla bla) You have to VALIDATE HIS FEELINGS, otherwise, he'll never have closure.
Great idea to move out of town, now you should know that he has every reason to feel this way and that you CANNOT downplay what you did to your spouse and you cannot expect him not to feel this away.
If you want to work thinks out, don't think that he is an idiot for continuing feeling like this. He is entitled to his feelings and you need to acknowledge that. Go to marriage counseling and keep your mouth shut ...
GOSH! This is unbelievable! Just a jealousy issue? You have some nerve!
2006-06-09 14:16:09 · answer #4 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"His jealousy issue"? Give me a freaking break already. Nice transference of issues here. You where a cheating tramp, and he is just supposed to trust you again unconditionally. Good luck. Lucky you he did not leave you. Nice little attitude you got there. I bet he would not be pleased at the tone or substance of your question. You should be bending over backwards to show you deserve his trust again. I agree with him 100%. If you can't accept the responsibility for your mistake, then do him a favor and leave. Geeze.
2006-06-09 14:00:07 · answer #5 · answered by javelin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the reason he has a fear of it is because, you have already betrayed his trust once before and anyone in his shoes would feel the same way ...Be glad he even stayed with you not alot of men (or women) would have... I hope it all works out for you and your family! Just be more understanding of why he is the way he is now.
2006-06-09 14:21:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah you better be patient, you broke that trust sweetie, ya gotta gain it back. do everything in your power to let him know you love him, wont do it again, and he's the only one for you. that s part of the consequences to your actions. hang in there
2006-06-09 13:58:39 · answer #7 · answered by toni h 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even moving to another state is not going to get him to forgive you. He's never going to forgive you. Sorry.
2006-06-09 18:06:55 · answer #8 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well u cant blame him u made the mistake so maybe when u move it will be much better just love him
2006-06-09 14:52:30 · answer #9 · answered by keli2829 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are the one that made the mistake so for right now you're going to have to "grin & bear it".
2006-06-09 13:58:27 · answer #10 · answered by leecarh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋