Family Troubles.?

Question

My mom and step dad are always having problems. He never treats her right. Verbally abusing her, calling her fat and ugly. I know he has a lot of stress because of his stupid messed up kids, but i dont think he should have an excuse for treating her this way. He wont listen to her or to me, but when my brother speaks out against him, he wants a divorce from us. I think it would be good if she left him, and got on with her life, but she says she wants the stability and needs it at her age.... I see them get into aweful fights every month or so, and then just let it blow over. THey always say they will divorce, and then just forget about it and then repeat it all over again. This time it got out of control, and my mom is just going to wait it out for a few months, I think that is a mistake, He has led her to smoke a few times, and feel bad about herself. I know he is a good person deep down, that will be ok in 2 years, when his kids are gone. SHould we have to put up with this?

Thanks everyone who has answered so far. I have told my mom these things, and she is just going to wait out until we get my brother back at college and then see how things are. THey have fights all the time, but really major ones where they are thinking of divorce every month or a few time month. I know i can't make the decision for her, and I show her how things look to an outsider, but it's just hard. Thanks again for all the wonderful answers and support!

Answer 1

No, of course you don't deserve treatment like you describe. He is an abusive person who has many internal issues that need to be resolved. I have my doubts about his behaviors changing much just because his kids leave in 2 years. They may be a source of stress, but life always has stress, and if he has learned to be abusive in the face of problems, he will continue this pattern. It's not really his kids' fault.

But, I'm sorry to tell you that there is really nothing that you or anyone but your mom herself can do. If she doesn't want to make the decision to be without him, deep down in her heart, then she won't take action to do it. Honestly, your mom must have her own issues to resolve as well. You could suggest therapy to her (I mean, psychotherapy or counseling). Or see if you could get her away from him as much as possible by doing "girl" things with her.

Your other choices are to move out or to stay and try to be home as little as possible.

Good luck.

Answer 2

A fight once a month really isn't anything to get worked up over. The bottom line is that it's your mom's decision. If she wants to stay in the relationship, then no one has the right to tell her to leave. No one can MAKE her smoke unless he's tying her down and shoving the cigarettes in her mouth. She's CHOOSING to smoke as a result of stress. She's also choosing the stress if you think about it.

You didn't mention how old you are. If you're still in school and relying on mom and dad for your support, you can do nothing more than be there to support your mom. If your stepfather does things to bring her down, counter it by reminding her of all the reasons you love her. If, however, you or your siblings are being abused, then you can always report it to the Child Protective Services unit in your area.

In either case, it's clear that you love your mom and I think the above statement bears repeating. Love your mom and support her -- it's important.

Answer 3

Absolutely not.
This is a person that you and your mom need to be away from. Words spoken are like bulletts fired. You can't retrieve them, only bandage the scar left.
Nobody should ever see this occurence more than once. it's ok to argue and make-up, because your mom would be showing you resolution skills for life, but what your step dad says is way beyond mature discussion.
I am sure that deep down he is a good person, but so is Charles manson. There is no excuse for bad behavior or bad manners like this.
Tell your mom that you need her to be strong, because you look up to her as strength. She's the only mom you've got and you need her to make good on this. Nothing beats having your self confidence back, and noone should ever be allowed to try to take it from you. That is not love. It is insecurity and immaturity.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

If your mother is looking for stability, she obviously needs to leave this guy. Regardless of his stress, he has no right to talk to or treat your mother the way he does. And if you kids are involved, she definitely needs to leave him. My advise to anyone who isn't happy in life, do whatever it takes, even if it means leaving and living on only her paycheck for a while, but by all means, GET OUT before things escalate into something nobody should experience. Verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse...there's no comparison really, but if one person's taking all the BS from the other while the children are suffering, the one gettting mistreated needs to get out ASAP. If your mom loves and cares for you like I know she does, she will leave this man. There is no love coming from his end regardless how his kids act. I will pray for you and your family that you can get in a more stable environment where you're surrounded by only those who love you.

Answer 5

Your mom says that she stays with him because she wants "stability" in her life. Being abused, yelled at, put down, etc. is NOT stability!

You need to talk with your mom and try to make her see that this man is not treating her the way that she should be treated.

Is this man rich? I'm not sure what your mon's definition of stability is.

Again, try to talk with your mom and let her know that there are MANY other men in the world that will not treat her badly. She does not deserve to be treated this way. No woman does.

Does your mom realize that their fighting is affecting you? Even if you or she do not realize it, it is. She needs to get out of this situation for her well-being AND yours. Life is too short to go through it being yelled at all the time.

If you can't talk with your mom, maybe there is a friend or relative that could talk with her. Maybe a nurse, doctor, counselor at school, anybody that you can tell your story to, and get to talk with your mom.

Answer 6

STRESS OR NO STRESS HE SHOULD LOVE YOUR MOTHER ENOUGH TO SEE HOW BADLY HE IS HURTING HER AND HER CHILDREN. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER IS STAYING FOR THE WRONG REASONS. IF SHE INVESTS TWO MORE YEARS ONLY TO FIND THAT HE JUST A VERBALLY ABUSIVE PERSON EVEN AFTER HIS CHILDREN ARE GONE, NOW SHE'S WASTED TWO YEARS OF HER LIFE SHE COULD HAVE SPENT FINDING A MAN THAT LIKES THE WAY SHE LOOKS AND LOVES HER FOR HER. MAYBE IF HE'S WILLING COUNSELING WILL HELP. EITHER WAY BEST WISHES TO YOU BOTH.

Answer 7

No , every family has problems you have to learn how to deal with them. My parents used to fight alot!!!! And later on down the line you realize that it affects you and it's nothing you can do to stop it. Your mother will have to wake up and realize this is a toxic relationship.

Answer 8

Its not fair the way your dad is treating you and you mom and brother...but remember its his fault not yours....never blame yourself....if you feel like talking to someone a scool counselour would really help...

Good luck

Answer 9

It troubles me, as a counselor, that you are so personally involved in their troubles. It is obviously affecting you very much.

I think that family counseling, in addition to couples counseling for your parent, would benefit your family.

Best of luck.

Answer 10

no one should have to put up with those things, but at the same time, you can't make the decision for your mother, only she can decide what is right for her.