Does it concern anyone else?

Question

I just don't understand the mentality today that seperation equals freedom. Seperation from your spouse was basically so that you can work on your issues and your spouse can work on theirs so that your marriage could possibly be restored.
Why do most people think it's a free for all and run out looking for other relationships that they can screw up? I realize that I'm gonna piss a few people off by saying this but its honest if you think about it. You can't have a good relationship with anyone until you figure out why your first one failed. Jumping from bed to bed only adds fuel to the fire and doesn't solve anything and the "prince" or "princess" who saved you from your "rotten" spouse only becomes another thorn in your side and you repeat history. Ask anyone who's been married more than once! I just don't get it and I hope I never do! How do you rationalize??

Fugaz, you sound like most of the people who rationalize bad behavior today and live in this "Gotta have it my way yesterday" society. I never claimed to know it all, yet I do think I use my brain and am pretty smart because I seek Godly wisdom and cousel. As far as generalizations go as you put it, you have no idea what I've been through in life and what I haven't been through. I just ask questions like the rest of everyone...and I tell it like I see it...and you seem to have all the excuses. Best wishes to ya!

Answer 1

Well, I believe that you are generalizing here. There are cases of cases and I can see from your statements that you haven't been there and don't know how difficult it is to have the nerve to get a divorce, specially when children are involved and you lstill ove the other person.

This is NOT the perfect world where everyone does what is supposed to be done in a timely manner. Consider the facts:

-Divorce is EXPENSIVE
-Divorce can take YEARS if contested

Is it fair to put your life on hold while you soon-to-be ex drags their feet and don't show up to court?

Do you know when love will knock on your door? If so, give love an appoitment to show up exactly when your divorce is final. Come'on, get real.

People separate, some can work out their issues and others can't. Don't put everyone in the same bag and judge others because that is God's job and not yours. Divorce is a painful experience and it takes a lot of courage to go througt it, everyone suffers, specially if there are children.... some women are scared of being on their own and stay for financial reasons because they have nowhere else to go.

Hopefully, you, the one that knows it all about life never have to go thru something like this and learn to un-love someone that you love and start over.


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Dear asker,
People don't chooose to get married so they can cheat and be miserable. People are not perfect.....Are you??? Why are you so upset to have someone elses perspective? If so, you should have posted ... "only people that agree with me can answer".
You responded that I don't know what happens in your life, well, in your initial statement, you said that you haven't been in that situation, LUCKY YOU! so your is just an opinion, just as valid as mine, or you possess the almighty truth stick? Your question is "how do you rationalize" and then you go after me for answering your question...
Life is long and you have no idea what lies ahead... there is a difference between the perfect life and reality, if you are in a happy healtly relationship, cherish it, but don't point the fingers at others that doens't. Don't be insentitive towards people that are suffering.

Answer 2

There's nothing rational about it and I agree with you. In my experiences I've found that a trial separation can be healthy sometimes in efforts to renew a marriage provided that both parties are in mutual agreement. Also, I've watched others go through this who have waited to do this when the relationship had degraded so much that each person left for the separation with intense animosities and abstract ideas about being single again simply because they were separated. In my opinion that only makes working things out in the marriage all the more difficult. I've found that if two people are mature and recognize the need for 'space' during a relationship and don't wait until the arguing and fighting have begun to dominate the relationship then it's much easier to be apart and still genuinely want to work through the problems. Too many people use this separation idea as a means to pursue their own agenda without any intentions of repairing their marriage. I've often wondered why people even both with the separation when all they want is to relive their single lifestyle and enagage in sexual conquests. Hell, why not just call it quits and move on. The only reasoning I can offer for it at all is one word ... immaturity.

Answer 3

I've never been in that situation but I agree with you. I believe the primary reason is people are afraid of being alone because (1) they don't really want to become intuned with themselves and (2) it implies there is something "wrong" with them if it appears nobody wants to be with them.

Consider, for example the people who are usually classified as "losers" in high school. Generally, speaking, most of them are people who don't follow the crowd. The label changes to "antisocial" or "loner" when the target is an adult. Girls are pressured unrelentlessly to "catch a man." and although men are given a little more breathing space, are also on the receiving end of "when are you going to settle down?" and on and on.

I strongly believe this is why people go through mid-life crises. They get married right after (or during) high school, start having children and wake up one day to realize they have no idea what happened to the last X number of years of their lives. How can a person be the best they can be for another person (spouse and/or children) when they have never examined who they are, as an individual, first? It probably won't end until people stop relying on other people to define who they should be instead of accepting and loving who they are without other people's approval.

Answer 4

I understand completely where you're coming from. I think people often forget that even though they're separated that they are still legally married. I guess the ol' vows just don't hold much water anymore. I have to believe that too few people value themselves these days and put more value on who they're with as far as defining who they are as a person. It seems almost like there's a stigma attached to being single and you have to have a partner in life... no matter how poor the reason is for being with that person.

I know when I went through my separation, I was asked out by several different men but I never could say yes to any of them, even though there were a few I was attracted to. All that was in my mind was that I was still married even if we weren't physically (or mentally) together. Even after we finally opted to divorce, it still took me over 5 years to start dating again. I needed to get my head on straight and know myself again before I felt I could be honest in a relationship.

Answer 5

I totally agree with you here. Separation should only be for a short time to try and work on your marriage and if there is not working it out then divorce and do lead each other on any more. This is not fair to on another. I agree that sleeping around and jumping from bed to bed only adds fuel to the fire and is not good for anyone! You need to work on your life and marriage and relationships or move on and dont play people and do things to continue and add to your cause so that you do repeat the mistakes you have made and you never learn from them and change your ways so that you never repeat them again. Thanks so much for bringing up this great point here today. I really appreciate it! All you have said here is so very true and need to be thought on. We could all think about what you are saying here and learn something today from this! Yes this really does concern me for sure and i see a viciious pattern here with alot of people who just want out and dont want to work on their marriage. So sad indeed! Counseling and help is needed alot and people just dont realize it and they usually just want to find a way or an easy way out. Just to let you all know there is no such thing! Instead of running from the problems of your marriage and relationship you need to face them head on and work on them and try to better them and yourself to make you to be the spouse and person you need to be!

Answer 6

Amazing isn't it? I'm with you 100%. People are so quick to jump in relationships and beds and not on cherishing them or working on them. I was lucky and have a great loving marriage and I appreciate it every day...

Answer 7

The problem is, people don't respect the sanctity of marriage. The institution is really in trouble. People don't think it through, they marry for the wrong reasons, they don't respect their vows, need I go on? It's really sad.

Answer 8

didn't piss me off, i think you are so right on!! Can't rationalize it. you said it like it is. I think people do it though because they don't want to be alone and they always blame someone else for the isssues not realizing they are creating more.

Answer 9

whoa!!!!!!!!!!! got the vibes, hostility alert!!!!!!!! know what you mean "been there done that", just never bothered to put it into words. hope things work out!!