why am I so sad my sons are leaving home?

Question

I have a son who is 20 and quit his job 8 months ago and refuses to get a job. The other son is 27 and his wife left him for another man and he wants to live with me to save money and fix up his car...I wanted them to work and hold their own so I was not broke all the time supporting all of us and my daughter who is 18 and works but spends all ther money on clothes...now the 20 year old is going to live with his dad in maryland and my other son is going to stay with a friend....so now my heart aches like it is broken and I feel my kids hate me. I fuss at them all the time because I can not stand it to feel stress of all the financial responsability, and I have been a single mom for 15 years! I want them to be good responsable men...what am I doing wrong?

Answer 1

You love your children and that's fine --- now they are grown and making their own decisions --- some good, some bad --- providing them with a place to stay and food to eat--- if they refuse to work a job / or spend all their money on stuff--- do not give them any extra money! - you have to pay your own bills and provide for basic needs --- let them know you aren't their personal bank - they have to grow up and be responsible for their own upkeep ---

Answer 2

Mom, you did a fine job, and your doing the right thing. You feel bad, because you feel you let them down, or asked to much. However, these are grown men now, and what you are asking is not at all demanding. It is correct in teaching them responsibility. The dad in Maryland will not support the one son's food, gas, etc for very long without the same stipulation, same for the one staying with the friend. Believe me, give it a month, they will be back pounding at your door on your terms. Stay tough Mom, stay true to those good morals and values!

Answer 3

There is nothing wrong with you wanting your kids to be able to stand on their own. If you support them all the time they will never stand on their own and every time they have a little problem they will be running back home to mommy.
Support them in their efforts to find new jobs/new apartments. There is nothing wrong with being there for them or helping them when you can - maybe giving them money for a new suit for an interview or whatever. You aren't doing anything wrong by not wanting to fully 100% support them.
If they do end up staying with you there is nothing wrong with charging them rent or asking them to chip in with the bills -same with your daughter.

Answer 4

are you sad because they are leaving or are you sad because for the first time you realize you will be alone. yes you wanted them to get out on their own and perhaps they were still close by, but the thought of them moving away and out of your reach, causes you to feel guilty. I do not think it would have been a good idea to let them move back in as long as they could support themselves. they need to learn that "responsibility"
of course every situation is different. but i have a friend whose daughter lives with her ex, and she has two boys that live with her. the one son, 16 is still at home, but the 22 year old, came back and now lives at home with his girlfriend and has moved into my friends bedroom and she sleeps on the couch, she works hard all day and supports everyone in the home with out any support or contribution from her working son and is girlfriend and now they are expecting a baby. she refuses to speak up for fear of angering her children, but in reality the only one who sufferes is her and i know it will be the death of her if she keeps going. Although she thought it was time to step out and find romance again, she soon realized she could not invest in such a relationship, due to her job and family lifestyle. and she is miserable, yet continues in this state. Our children will not learn responsibility and respect, nor will they learn economics if for one reason or another they come running home, not that you should turn them away, but perhaps assist them in money management. Sometimes when you live in poverty you learn respect and responsibility. Money doesn't grow on trees, mom amd pop are not always going to be around, they need to learn self suffiency. this can be done though support and communication and out of love. they will not hate you for it, but love you more. I feel. I have four children who love abnd respect me. and although they know i would be there in a pinch. they also know the value of money and the need to maintain a job and support themselves.

Answer 5

You got your hands full with life. My simple take on your question is: You can't keep fixing things for your kids, which means you need to let them go and hopefully they will learn from their decisions. This is the only way they will grow. Your heart aches as a mother, but you may be confusing that pain with the pain of dealing with your children's fiasco. You have raised them to adulthood, so now let them be...

Hope this helps.

Answer 6

You want them to be self-sufficient, not sit back and depend on someone else. You did your best to nudge them in the right direction, and they "took the easy way."

I'm not surprised you're hurt. You feel that they are rejecting YOU. In a way they are, but really they are rejecting YOUR insistence on them growing up, of taking personal responsibility. It is every mother's dream to raise strong children, and yours aren't quite up to the standard yet.

Don't despair. They are licking their wounds and will come out better on the other side. You gave them plenty of time to get their acts together...

They love you, they just aren't ready to do the right thing yet.

Answer 7

You probably feel sad because they've been living with you for so long,and there's so many memories in the house,so your gonna miss maybe they're humor,they're little jokes,they're laughter,and they're kindness. And now your little boys are man now,I know how you feel. But you know that they was going to leave the nest some day. little birds gotta fly,they can't live in the nest all of they're lives,of course you've fed them,bathe them,clothed them,sent them off to school,and now they have to go out on their own.

Answer 8

sorry to hear your story..

first, u wouldn't be a good mom, or even a good human being, if u don't fuss people to do good..

i cannot claim that u did or didn't do wrong.. but what u need is to concentrate on the future..

i would concentrate on giving answers instead of pushing them to find answers..

hey.. i found a great jod for ya..
hey.. i know this girl just right for ya..
hey.. if u put 10% of your pay in the bank.. i will personally come shopping with ya..

people nowadays need answers.. they pay less attention on finding one..

all the best..

Answer 9

You aren't doing anything wrong.You are doing the best you can.I know it's not easy being a single mom.My advice is stand up for yourself.It's never easy gaving kids leave the house.You get so used to them being there when they leave it hurts.That doesn't mean you can't still love them.They have to want to be responsible.It's not your fault they don't want to be responsible.They have to choose to want to be responsible.

Answer 10

did u try confronting them