My boyfriend has such low self esteem because of his father. His father raped and beat him for years and also his mother and sisters. He is very depressed all the time. He says things like "i'm a loser" just very negitive thinking about himself. I spoke to my therapist and he told me to leave my boyfriend but I don't want to do that. I want to help him and make him better. He always thinks things like I'm cheating on him and that I'm going to leave him for someone else and I've done some reasearch on this and when you are raped it causes trust issues. I love him very much and only want what is best for him but I do not know what to do to help him. I reassure him that he isnt all the things he thinks he is. I tell him he isnt a loser and that no matter what I'll always love him. And that I love him for who he is. He went to counseling when he was younger but his parents wouldnt let him tell what really happend they told the dr.s that he was a bad kid. Please help me help him.
2006-06-08 11:03:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
Don't give up on him. Never pressure him to have sex. Tell him everyday hes handsome..stuff like that. Give him self esteem
2006-06-08 11:09:19 · answer #1 · answered by RUBY0083 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I suggest reading a book entitled Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. You should read this, possibly with your boyfriend. It is an extremely well written insightful look into what exactly goes on in many men's hearts. Your boyfriend probably has such low self esteem because he is lacking the paternal love that was absent when he was younger. This love is essential to every growing child, especially males between the ages of 11-15. They need to know that someone approves of them, believes in them. It's the journey into manhood. His father failed in providing this support, therefore your boyfriend believes that he will never find this. I wouldn't take your counselor's advice. Leaving him would only affirm his misled thoughts that he is worthless. Be there for him, but not if it turns to you running yourself ragged for him. Again, I encourage you to read that book and, if you can, get your boyfriend to read it. I certainly can't give nearly as good advice as I found in that book.
2006-06-08 11:18:37 · answer #2 · answered by bugleklein 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Holy abalone. Well sister here it is. You alone can't help him. You're an angel for sticking with him. I don't know you, but I love you for it. (In a platonic way) First thing you need to do is to get him into a psychiatrist and counselor. He needs to see someone. If he's open to it, then you could do it together. Read books, go onto the VOICES and incest survivors anonymous websites. Educate yourselves about incest. Learn everything you can about it, don't be shy or embarrassed. Don't let him be ashamed. Don't let him be silenced by his parents any longer. Damn them. I believe I may have been molested as a child. I have no memories. I feel for your boyfriend, and that's why I wish I could hug you. Molestation kills a persons ability to trust. Stick with him. I'll email a book title to you, it's specifically for male survivors of incest. It's a good book, I just don't remember the title off hand. Hang in there, and remember, break the silence. It's the single most important step in healing.
2006-06-08 22:47:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! First of all, let me commend you on your sensitivity and compassion. Although I understand why your therapist suggested you break up (obviously relieving you of your mental pain) I also believe that charity begins at home and that you can make a difference in your bf's life.
I am not a psychologist but these are my opinions: Actions speak louder than words. Continue to show your trust-worthiness and show him why he deserves that trust. Encourage him to participate in empowering activities. Working out, eating well, starting with those simple things can work wonders. Maybe you can join a gym together or take up running, some kind of outlet that stops him from obsessing about his past. Tell him why you love him. Why you don't want to leave him and challenge him by asking him to work on your relationship by working through his insecurities. Tell him that you feel your love is worth preserving and that you want him to believe that he is the man worthy of being your long-term. Maybe he would come to therapy with you??
However, it is important that you protect yourself, too. Don't let him drag you down and don't think any of this is your fault. And if you want to stay together, by all means, stay, but please don't feel obligated to play the savior in this man's life. And, MOST importantly, if you ever need to leave, don't feel you can't just because of what he's been through.
God bless and good luck to both of you :) !
2006-06-08 11:19:49 · answer #4 · answered by rhiannon2797 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is so terrible. Don't leave him. This is something he obviously needs help with and you leaving him would make it worse. Recommend therapy. He probably won't want to go so maybe consider going with him for support. That would help alot, I'm sure. The best thing you can do for him is support him and stay with him and don't do anything to make him lose the trust that he would gain. I feel for you and you bf. I can't even imagine what that would be like. But you love him and that's what he needs...Love. Love is hard, it has ups and downs, but in the end it's all worth it.
2006-06-08 11:16:05 · answer #5 · answered by Katie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i cant believe a therapist told u to leave him!! u seem very concerned and devoted and ready to help he NEEDS exactly a person like u in his life. He needs to go to counselling again and tell them the truth they can help and possibley even put his father in jail or as a sex offender that is purely disgusting what he did.
even if he has to sneak around for counselling or tell a trusted teacher/friend whomever but he needs to resolve his issues so he can move on and have a happy life! how old is he? does he still live with them? just stay by his side and be all that he needs!!! you're a wonderful person.
2006-06-08 11:11:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, he is obiously damaged at a high rate, but dont let that damage harm you too. somethings can't never be forgotten but they can always overcome them, so have to teach your boyfriend how to overcome all the tragic times of his past. He has to learn how to channel all that anguish into positive thinking. How do you do this? well make him feel your love all the time, engulf him with appreciation, evrytime he does something good, be there to complement him. Keep bringinig up any good memory from your relationship with him. Try to make him think only of all the good things he has in life now, including you. stop him from living in the past, and make him feel wanted. All this wont be easy but if you trully love him, then you'll have the pacince, if there is some doubt in your mind about the love you feel for him, then just let him go, before he sinks you in with him. Remember that people who were abused at young ages, turn out to be phycologically damaged forever, causing them to do awful mistakes, which in performing these acts, find pleasure..
2006-06-08 11:17:16 · answer #7 · answered by stud989 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even though he has had previous bad experiences with a counselor, you should really help him find a good counselor what will allow him to express his emotions with zero judgement. Once he can let get the bad memories out in the open he can begin to heal. His low self-esteem will be very difficult to repair until he can come to terms with what happened to him. Does he still have a relationship with his mother? If so, he may want to get her in counseling too (since she was a witness to his father's abuse...her guilt and pain must be overwhelming).
2006-06-08 11:11:51 · answer #8 · answered by deisel_d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him and he is good to you, stay with him. Don't give up. One day he will realize that you are for real. Let him talk to you about his experiences if he needs to. Don't be judgemental, and LISTEN. Sometimes you don't need to reply to what he may say, you just might need to be the one person that can listen and share his pain. Let him know that you want his life to be better now and you want to show him a fresh start, away from that hurtful time. Just keep your head high, stay positive, and be patient. It will be hard, but you two can work through this if you truely love each other. You are doing good by trying to help him. Keep it up.
2006-06-08 11:11:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
its a sad thing that a father would do something like that. lf u truly love him then listen to whatever he has to say with a smile on ur face. dont feel sorry for him and be real loyal to him to get his trust. Since he has a low esteem he might not want to see a counselor but he needs to. so u need to work hard to get his trust. If get him a counselor he will think that something is wronge with him. so gain his trust and be with him for support, which I think u are doing great with that. And get him involved with ur friends so he gain his confidence but start off with limited amount. U are treating a brian here so it takes a while. make him ur priority to get his trust. and when he says that u are cheating on him dont argue just listen with a stone on ur heart. if u argue he will take what u said and use it against u. so u have to be careful..and just to give u the most major solution..dont ask us ...ask god to have mercy on him and gain his confidence.
2006-06-08 11:21:58 · answer #10 · answered by gogogaga 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to get help, his parents do not need to know! His Dad is the reason he is like this so of course he wouldn't want him to tell anyone. The more he can talk about it and get it out in the open the faster he will heal. All the things you mentioned are like symptoms of depression so if you want to help have him talk to your therapist! Good luck
2006-06-08 11:11:03 · answer #11 · answered by B-Fly 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋