I've caught my 19 yr old son with pot twice, should I kick him out?

Question

My son is 19. He has no job, refuses to go to college. He does odd jobs for spending money and generally follows the rules of the house, but I have found evidence of pot in his car twice now. Time for a serious discussion (again) but this time I am tempted to just kick him out and let him find his own way in the world. I have 2 other kids younger than him. I have never found drug evidence IN the house.

Answer 1

You have a tough situation in your hands. On the one hand, drugs in the first place is unacceptable, especially if you have other kids. Also, he doesn't seem to be contributing to pulling his own weigh, unless you've left that part out. On the other hand, I imagine you don't want to abandon him out in the cold world.

I agree with those who say to not kick him out. He needs structure, seems his entire life is loosey goosey without self-discipline. If he doesn't want to go to college or get a job, seems maybe he's depressed??? He's unproductive and has no ambition, feels depressing just to read about it. Try exploring that possibility. If he's not okay inside, he won't perform well on the outside.

No matter what his state of mind/health is, do not let him bring drugs in the house EVER. You have the other two kids to think about, and of course you don't want your son smoking it in the first place.

If you haven't already, try encouraging him to find his niche, to find what he likes and is good at. Is he good with cars? What about with animals? Try to pique his interest in things that can cultivate a career.

Charge him for his living expenses! Give him a time limit to start paying. If he hasn't started paying by that date, keep track of his arrears and stick to it. Someone's got to pay for his car, insurance, food, clothing, utilities, entertainment, etc and it should be him, not you. Once he does it himself, he'll feel a lot better about himself and may naturally want to continue in a productive direction.

Answer 2

It doesn't seem to be that the weed is the problem, so I wouldn't focus your concerns on it. I smoked the wacky-tobacky all through college, and I did very well there. Smoking pot isn't going to change a person all that much -- it's not like crack or something. If someone's a loser, they're going to be a loser, stoned or not. If someone has something to offer the world, pot's not gonna stop them from doing it. Some of the smartest, most creative & succesfull people I know smoke pot.
The problems with your son are more serious -- not having a plan, not being in school, not following your rules. These are the issues you should focus on. I would absolutely freak out on my kid if he refused to go to college. I don't know if kicking him out is the answer. Perhaps you should tell him just how much weed he can smoke at college, how good it is there, and how he'll find all these hot chicks to smoke it with!

Answer 3

If your son has pot in the car, he's driving under the influence. That endangers his life, the lives of his passengers and other people on the road.

Who's car is he driving? Who pays for his insurance and gas? If he's doing odd jobs - it's probably you.

I would start by removing his driving privileges until he gets his act together. That means work or a full-time job and being able to demonstrate he can be responsible.

Talk to him. He needs to know he is the role model for the younger kids. Get him counseling if he needs it. Throwing him out could push him further into the drug culture and should be a last resort.

It sounds like he's basically a good kid who needs rules and guidance.

Answer 4

Don't kick him out or give him an ultimatum yet. Give him a reality check. Talk to someone at the local jail and have them show him around the jail, and let him know that if he continues his behavior thats where he's going to end up and give him time to understand what the consequences are of what he is doing.
After that if he is still in acting and being the same then i say kick him out and he'll soon come back and you have to let him come back but only under the circumstance that he stops messin with pot.

Answer 5

I don't think it is as simple as kicking him out. Personally I have fairly liberal views so you will have to take that into account with my answer. I do think that bringing drugs into the house is unacceptable however, I do not think smoking pot is even close to a reason for kicking someone out. Tough love doesn't always work. I do think it is really important to sit down with him and let him know where you are coming from. Give him deadlines for when he needs to have a serious job and let him know you are there for him but want to see him thrive. Rehab is a silly idea in my opinion...silly and expensive. Good luck.

Answer 6

Your son is a man. He needs to stand up for himself and be responsible for his own actions. Tell him that your going to turn him into the cops if you catch him again. Also, lay down the terms of YOUR house. If he continues to be a useless bum, then he has to move out. Give him a time frame for meeting the terms. If not met, when he comes home, he will find his gear out on the curb waiting. When he begs and pleads with you and make promises that his *** can't keep, you telling him lovingly, that you have no choice but to agree to the terms of the house. Since he has violated it and can't keep his part, you as a MAN can! And your Word is you Bond. Otherwise, you are enabling him to a life of laziness, and scamming and lying to manipulate people to get his own way. By following through with this method. You will have raised a child to be responsible and save me and all the other citizens the hasslel of kicking his a$$. and cursing you for being a weak enabling parent.

This sounds harsh, but I guarantee you will be thankful and so will your son later on. I know, this is how my parents had to function for my total selfish acts of drug habit, laziness. This is why they Call it TOUGH LOVE. Cause it takes guts to follow through.

Answer 7

speaking of similar experience--My whole family spoked pot.
uncles, aunts,mom,dad,sisters,brothers.Inever found the need to smoke it and I was raised around it. Teens are going to do it regardless of what you might say. Friends they know do it and so will they unless they have it in them to say no.Sounds funny I know .My sister is 1 year older than me,so we went many places together,she and her friends would push it on me,but i still pushed it away. I'm 30 now and can honestly say w/ all of it I never even tried. You are the MOM and you can throw him out,but it won't prevent him from doing it. He might leave and turn to worse.No one can say. May i suggest just maybe telling him not around your house, not anywhere your other kids are at and can see and/or smell it. Weed i would say isnt too harmful-dangerous of its effects after it,maybe. It won't get him a good career nor a grand life. But in all there is nothing you can really do to stop him. Keep talking and share your feelings.
But in all you throwing him out your home wont make him quit.
My brothers moms friends tried the same and it never worked for any of them. take care

Answer 8

Your child is an adult and he has the right to make his own choices.

You are an adult and you have a right to make your own choices.

Your son has to grow up some day. How and when do you think he will? All you are doing by keeping him at home is helping him to not grow up.

He needs to experience the natural consequences of his ADULT choices. If you boot him out, you are not responsible for where he ends up. That would be his choice - get a job? get an apartment? get off drugs? etc. He has total control over himself and you have total control over yourself and your other young children.

Good luck.

Answer 9

its only pot ...most people do smoke pot whether you like it or not. Pot is a harmless herb. Your son could be a drinker then I would worry since alchahol is an addictive drug and not a harmless plant.Any parent who throws away a child no matter what age isnt a loving parent that this kid can relate to and go to for personal problems and needs ..reevaluate your parenting

Answer 10

I say if he can buy his own bud, then let him, dont kick him out, what is it really gonna do by kicking him out the house, but make you and your wife worry about where he is at and how is he doing. Just talk to him and tell him he has to be a man and work or go to school.