please give me some new jokes...?

Question

my friend keep saying the same old jokes, there not funny any more any one have some new ones i can through in the mix?

Answer 1

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"

Answer 2

A young man goes into a
pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"Hello, could you give me a condom.
My girlfriend has invited me for dinner

and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom;
and as the young man is going out,

he returns and tells him: "Give me a
another condom because my girlfriend's sister
very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner
when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom;

and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and
when she sees me she always makes allusions...
and since she invited me for dinner,
I think she is expecting something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers
his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord,
bless this dinner...thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend even more than the others.

She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear:
"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"


===============================================

The Ideal Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.

A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... ; and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... ; it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


===============================================


Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat
down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all
alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so
"spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me,
young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April
Fools!"! And that's when I shot him, the little
bastard.

Answer 3

There were two men hunting in the woods and one accidently shoots himself. The other guy panics so he calls the police. He says 'My friend accidently shot himself! What should I do?!' so the policeman says 'ok, first make sure he is dead'. The policeman hears a loud gunshot and then hears the man say 'ok, now what?'".

Answer 4

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part
of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate
the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said,

"I think he said... 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"

Answer 5

A girl was in a barber shop with her dad.
When they were cutting her dads hair, she was next to her dad eating a twinkie.
The barber said"Honey, you are gonna get hair all over your twinkie."
and the girl said "I know, im gonna get boobs too!"