will someone please tell me something nice or funny. I'm REALLY down today and I just can't function?

Question

please don't send speeches about what I need to do. just something good to lighten my mood

Answer 1

Hope this helps!

Actual Unedited Doctors' Notes on Patients' Charts

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Answer 2

I just got this email.

Why am I tired???

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . The population of this country is 273 million. 140
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.

You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ***, at your computer, reading
jokes. Nice. Real nice.

Answer 3

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"

Answer 4

It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."

Answer 5

Ok..I'll try. I got a new puppy, her name is Lolabelle, she is a bassett hound. Well, yesterday I walked by her and she was just standing there with her head tilted. As I got closer, I realized that she had stepped on her ear and was waiting for me to help her out. I don't know how long she was stuck like that, but I thought I was just too darn cute! I hope this helps and I hope that you cheer up :)

Answer 6

Could be drink dude, like the night before. And get something to eat.

Answer 7

oh wow! i not in any respect did something that undesirable. i anticipate the more suitable extreme element i have were given performed grew to grow to be into at the same time as i grew to grow to be proper right into a senior for instructor prank day. we had the motor automobile club take aside the distinct teachers vehicles borrow some ladders from the janitor closet and placed them mutually on the roof. it grew to grow to be into humorous and the major significant rush i imagine of, its seriously is not undesirable to you men yet for me it grew to grow to be into undesirable quite truly each and everyone who grew to grow to be into suitable grew to grow to be into banned from prom commencement and ought to have suffered being expelled oh properly we've been seniors and we did not care!

Answer 8

When I am down, the thing I like to say to myself that makes it better is:


"This too shall pass."


Or you could think about monkeys. You can never go wrong with monkeys!

Answer 9

Hey read my questions for a while. If you find them funny, see a doctor.

Answer 10

Did you hear about the man who sat up all night wondering where the sun had gone?

Suddenly it dawned on him.