How do you disipline a child without spanking?

Question

My son is 2 1/2 yrs old and almost out of control. He minds me to a certain point but there are times that I can't even get him to acknowledge that I am in this world. He is well behaved for the most part but sometimes his temper gets out of control, and I don't like to spank him at all. I hate to disipline him at all, but I know I have to bc I am a single mother raising a son so I know I can't let him get out of control now! My problem is my parents were very rough w/ me and I despise the way I was brought up so I have gone to the other extreme and not really put my foot down. Most of the time I bargain w/ him to be good, or the ultimate no-no for disipline - laugh. I can't help it - he is my only child and I just want him to know he can always count on me? Please help!

Answer 1

Give choices to avoid having to discipline. EX: child wont go to daycare and refuses to put on shoes... do you want your tennis shoes or your thomas shoes? do you want to hop to the car or skip? If you give ultimatiums a child will refuse by giving choices they feel powerful and become more independant- cleaning the room ex do you want to puyt your blocks up or your cars? Redirection is also a good guidance tool.... you can't draw on the walls but you can draw on the blue paper or the red paper. 2 1/2 year olds are becoming more independant and it is normal to tantrum and want things their way. Be consistant and follow through. If you say we arent going to the park.... then you dont go. Dont change your mind or your child will know they can get you to do what they want. Being firm but fair.

Answer 2

Rebelling against how your parents did it by not doing anything at all or laughing is completely ridiculous. It's not hurting your parents or getting them back it's just making you look like a fool that doesn't know anything about being a parent and hurting your precious son in the long run. You have to find a happy medium, you have to lay the rules down and then stick to your guns. Make sure your son knows what you expect of him, if you have to write out the rules and recite them to him every time he breaks them then do so, at least the guidlines will be there and he'll know later on when he breaks a rule. Then establish consequences for the action, whatever they may be ...BE CONSISTANT. Don't let him get away with it because it's easier to just ignore, that sends mixed signals and will only confuse him. Teach him that every action has a consequence, whether good or bad. I am teaching that to my children right now. When they make a mess, they get to clean it up, not mom. It works rather well, and my kids are 8, 5 and 3 and I have been doing this for a couple of years now. I still do beleive in spanking though for sheer defiance though. There are just somethings in this world that only pain will drive home, especially if you've exhausted all other means. I agree wtih the lady above who was talking about a child running out into the street. Your child HAS to know when you are serious. What if you are not close enough to grab him out of harms way??? He has got to be able to know what you mean by your tone of voice sometimes! If you yell and then laugh at him he will not take you seriously and think "Mom is only playing with me". It could mean the difference between life and death. Sure it's easier to let them do what they want when they want to, but in the long run, YIKES. I like the other suggestion about taking a parenting class too. Hey we're not born knowing how to parent thats for sure, and some of us didn't have the best role models. Whatever you do though be consistant. Disciplining your child is loving your child! Best wishes!

Answer 3

Good for you! It is so sad to me that so many parents belive in spanking.

Don't use time outs. They only cause resentment and are shaming to a child. They only cause resentment, shame, and anger. Time outs are a way for you to control your child but not a way for a child to learn self-control. Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, money comes out of his piggy bank or he earns money doing things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (his room, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spots a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Find ways to help him learn to express himself instead of getting out of control. Say things like "I can tell that you are (upset, angry, mad, hurt, frustrated). What can we do about that?" He will learn to use words to express himself.

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 4

Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. First of all, it sounds like you and your husband are having some issues and you need to talk to your child and let him know that you both love him. Question: Are you physically fighting or not fighting fair? If you are fighting fair, let the child know that parents sometimes fight and reassure your son that it doesn't have anything to do with him. If you aren't fighting fair, let him know that it's not appropriate behavior and you all are trying to stop. Your child is picking up EVERYTHING now, especially from you and your husband. Next, in terms of disciplining your son, I have found that my ds responds to items that he loves being taken away from him. His favorite car or toy taken away for several minutes to a day has worked wonders. It gets his attention and he remembers. some people think kids forget after a short period of time....I took my sons ball away and forgot that I put it up in the closet. I gave him the ball a week later and he said that he was sorry. I asked him what he was talking about and he recalled the incident that got him in trouble the week before. Poor kid, it must have been torture seeing the ball in the closet daily and not being able to get it. Needless to say, he no longer carries out the activity that got the ball taken away. by disciplining your son, he will not hate you. To the contrary. Kids love boundaries even though they whine initially.

Answer 5

As a father, many times over, I use spanking as a last resort, and the threat of spanking as the back-up to a primary reward system.

I told my wife, "you can give cookie rewards all the time, but at the end-of-the-day, he'll have too many cookies. His knowledge of a threat of a spanking can be called up from his memory over and over, -without the calories".

I had one child 'test' me in a certain area, I swatted him a couple of times (really no pain) and from that point on, we never had a problem in that area again. This kind of tool can not be ignored.

As I've seen it to be, women tend to have everything / everyday capable of being negotiated. Clean your room and we'll do xxx or yyy. I'll say...

Dad: "Clean your room, -and then we can go outside, - and what happens if you don't clean your room?"

Kid: "I'll get a spanking"

Dad: "ok... hurry up, - and show me when you're done".

Life is happier for them and for me when there's clear parental authority with little or no negotiating.

-Dad

Answer 6

Got a question for you, have you ever watched a show called Nanny 911? or anything similar to it? Let me just say, if you do, it really helps, you just do what they do. Designate a spot in your house called the naughty spot (this could be anywhere, ex. a corner) put your son in it when he is bad, kneel down to him so you are face to face, tell him in a firm voice why you are putting him there, and for how long. and then walk away, if he moves from that spot, don't say anything to him, just pick him up and put him back in that spot until his time is up, when his time is up you return to him and tell him to apologize, if he doesn't he gets an extra 5 minutes added on, if he does, tell him thank you and give him a hug. then you can let him go and play, keep doing this and he will learn that when you say something you mean it, you never have to spank a child in order to get them to listen. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at my yahoo email.

Answer 7

Natural consequences works the best. Short, and I mean very short lectures at that age. Time-outs are great. 2 1/2 is the toddler age, so the seeds of good behaviour are sewn now. I messed this up when my girls were two to six. I am paying for it now with an eight and 11 year old with discipline problems.

Answer 8

I would like to refer you to the latest south park episode, season 10 episode 7. Eric Cartman is out of control and none of the Nanny's using psychology are able to turn him around. It finally takes a dog trainer to discipline him. instead of spanking he takes two fingers (index and middle) and nips the child on the neck while hissing tsst! He basically shows how to be dominant without being aggressive. A must see for the humor alone.

Answer 9

There is a difference between displine "spanking" and abuse. Sometimes, the only way through a childs mind and to teach them, is to spank them. A couple pops with a wooden spoon can work wonders. All our children are growing up with spanking as a source of discipline. We started as soon as they desrved it from not listening or doing as they are told. It was around the same age as your child. The oldest two are 9 and 11. And guess what, we can't remeber the last time we actually spanked them. Why, because they listen, they do as they are told. Yuo take care of it now, you won't have that problem later. now, let's put this into use. Oh, please don't do that. No. NO. NO!....ok...time out. Hmmm.....now, we're out somewhere in a parking lot. You don't want your kid to get hurt or run over, so you tell them, come here. Oh, they go runing around.....come HERE. ....still running around......COME HERE! Slam....get hit by a car. Oh, but I just couldn't bring myself to spank them. Hmmm.....I get in a parking lot, "Get out the truck and come here".....hey, they show up. Hold my hand. They do it. And my kidz are safe. Wow, imagine that. But, you stick with your time outs and just saying no. When your child gets older and still won't listen, hey, you'll only have yourself to blame. Oh, and just in case you're wondering. It only takes one or two little taps....you don't have to beat the fool out of them. And as they get a little older and bolder, does the TAPS. Your choice. Up to you. But I choose to love my kidz enough to spank them. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Answer 10

try going to a parenting class. I took STEP parenting course and it worked great. You need to also realize your child will listen better if you get down on there level and speak to them and treat them as you would a house guest. the rule i learned 1 minute for age is applicable for time-outs. Make the punishment applicable to the crime. If he throws the toy then tell him in a firm and friendly voice throwing is not allowed Firm and friendly is the key to success in discipline