I don't want to marry him...!?

Question

I decided to get married mostly b/c my parents insisted to. I cannot say I hadn't liked my fiance at all in the beginning of our relationship, but I couldn't say I was in love with him as to marry him.
But when our relationship seemed not to go so well, he convinced my parents that he was the best match for me, and I couldn't do anything to change their minds.
I told him that I didn't love him, but he doesn't want to understand...
What am I supposed to do? I seem to resent him even more right now when he forces me to marry him.

Answer 1

Marriage should be the happiest event in your life, and if you marry someone that you do not love (enough) you're setting yourself up to start the unhappiest time in your life, and it's going to drag on for years and years and years when you will be seeing this person every day, do as he says, live as he wants, having to be intimate with him while you always feel something very important is missing until it eats you up, you suppress it and become dull and depressed and never believe you're entitled to happiness anymore because you wrecked everything singlehandedly. Not being able to pick your own colours for your home, not being able to go where and do what you want, carrying his babies and putting up with lip from your kids when they grow up and your husband not taking your side etc. etc. Even more horrible, the person you love might come along and you can't marry him because you're already married and being untrue would be adultery. I know a few women who married someone they didn't love at eighteen, and at fifty years old, divorced or separated because he was callous, cheated or beat them, they are still trying to overcome unhappiness and depression and telling themselves that they did the right stuff, right?

You can always back out of marriage. Just say no. You always have the right to say no. Without a wife there is no marriage. And however angry your parents or your fiancé may become and be at you for years, always remember you can always live with "betraying others" but you can never live with selling yourself out. You can choose not to see your parents or your fiancé, but you can never escape being with yourself.

If you made a mistake, you must correct it. You have at least 50 years ahead of you. Why spend them in misery?

Answer 2

Begin by SPEAKING UP and SPEAKING OUT to your parents and your fiance. I don't understand why your parents would insist that you marry anyone; was this an arranged marriage or is this your choice? A decision to marry someone *has* to come from the individual for the marriage to be valid.

If you didn't even like your fiance much less love him, then I have to ask: why are you with him? There are billions of people in the world out there. Don't be with someone just because he's convenient or you think you might not find someone else. There are lots of people out there, and there are people with whom you will be highly compatible. Soulmates do exist! I should know; I was unhappily married the first time, but now the second time around, I am married to my soulmate and life is great.

I also don't understand if your relationship didn't go well, why you both didn't just break up? Why did he go over your head to your parents and convince them that he would be the best possible husband for you, given that you were not getting along? Sorry, this isn't logical, at all. I am sure there is a LOT that's not being told her and that probably couldn't be told, given all the history involved. But from my limited, outsider perspective, this is not making 100% logical sense to me.

You need to stand up for yourself, possibly for the first time in your life, and tell your fiance that you need to break it off, engagement, wedding and everything. You need to tell your parents how you really feel about your soon-to-be-ex-fiance, and possibly you need to speak up about a lot of other issues in your life.

I'd also recommend, if at all possible, that you gain financial independence and that you move out and live on your own. Take control of your own life. Your perspective will change greatly, and I'll bet your relationships with other people will improve overall.

If there is co-dependence between you and your parents and/or extended family, please deal with it. I've been through co-dependence, and it's messy and tough to break through, but it can be done. Having appropriate boundaries, and having control of your own life are vital for a happy adult existence.

Whatever you do, please don't marry this guy; you are setting yourself up for a divorce and before that, a very unhappy marriage and an unhappy existence.

GOOD LUCK! Cheers, K

Answer 3

So don't marry him... Get a job, move out, make your own money and become independent and tell him to stuff it. If you're already unhappy right now - Imagine how bad it will be in the future if you marry this jerk. You can do what you want - I'm sure you're a strong girl. And your parents should not be pushing this on you... Parents should always want the best for their children - and it seems they are either not listening to you or are being blinded by your fiance.
You may even want to think about moving away from where you live. Take a year abroad and just get away from your parents, fiance, etc, so that you can take the time to figure things out for yourself. Good luck!

Answer 4

Natasha,,,,at a guess I would say you are a Sindhi. Y ou have asked this question before. The answer does not lay with the west. You know what the customs are in India. If you really dont like the guy you dont have to marry him there are always other 'elders' that will help you out on this. Turn to your uncles and aunts and explain the situation to them. As you know in India they believe that love only comes after sexual relations and not before. If you have chosen to have an "arranged" marriage your parents must have introduced you to the boy first and you must have said it was Ok. It will be an embarrassment for them to back out once they have given their OK and it will be difficult for them to approach another family if that gets known because they will be afraid you will do the same thing. If you feel really strongly about not marrying him put your foot down and tell you parents that it is better to back out of the wedding rather than to have a divorce in a years time. Tell them that these days many Indian girls are divorcing their husbands because they cant get on with them. Its not like the olden days where women put up with anything from their husbands. They just dont anymore.

Answer 5

I was engaged when I was 24 and married when I was 26 Our wedding colors were a pale peach and chocolate brown We each had our brothers as witnesses (2 total), it was a very small wedding (14 people were there including us and our reverend) Our reception was held a month after our wedding, and we did not have assigned seating, most people didn't sit, it was a cocktail party We had a small chocolate cake and then a variety of desserts for people to choose, I think there were 5 different choices We went to Maui for two weeks We got married in Gleneden Beach, OR, a tiny town on the coast, just outside of Lincoln City

Answer 6

very important is missing until it eats you up, you suppress it and become dull and depressed and never believe you're entitled to happiness anymore because you wrecked everything singlehandedly. Not being able to pick your own colours for your home, not being able to go where and do what you want, carrying his babies and putting up with lip from your kids when they grow up and your husband not taking your side etc. etc. Even more horrible, the person you love might come along and you can't marry him because you're already married and being untrue would be adultery. I know a few women who married someone they didn't love at eighteen, and at fifty years old, divorced or separated because he was callous, cheated or beat them, they are still trying to overcome unhappiness and depression and telling themselves that they did the right stuff, right?

Answer 7

Then don't.
If you are being pressured to marry him them you are experiencing abuse of your rights. Sit down with both your boyfriend and your parents in the same room. Get some guts and tell them all how you feel. Don't back down. You are an individual and can't be force into a divorce. If you have child and then finally get out, the child is the one that will really suffer. Think about your future and the future of everyone concerned including your future children.
Good luck and blessings.

Answer 8

DON'T MARRY HIM - You'll regret it!!!!

Its easier to sort it now rather than to get divorced later on.

You parents want you to be happy in life, they will come round in time. Don't stay with this guy because they want you to, YOU have to live with him, not them!

Answer 9

You need to get out of this. Nobody can force you to do something that you don't want to do. And if your parents really loved you, then they would want you to be happy whether you married this guy or not. Just talk to your parents and tell them that you don't love this man and you don't want to marry somebody that you don't love.

Then talk to your fiance and tell him that you're sorry that you agreed to marry him, but that you don't feel that it's the right thing to do because you don't love him.
It's not fair to EITHER of you to enter into a marriage without love and with doubt.
Even if he doesn't understand this...You still don't have to walk down that aisle. Walk away
Break it off now before you make it official.

Answer 10

Try talking to your parents. Otherwise, leave. Do what you need to do to get out. There is definately something wrong with this guy if he wants to marry you even though you told him you don't love him.