What is the funniest CLEAN joke you know?

Question

I would like a really good one to put on my 360. :)

It is amazing what some people consider "clean" humor.

Answer 1

no offence ment peeps...

#1-- Q=Wanna hear a joke?
A= Womens rights

#2-- What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Smack your wife and tell her to get back to work.


lol

Answer 2

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

1. Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5 You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6 Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7 No news is... impossible.
8 A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9 You can't teach an old dog... math.
10 If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
11 Love all, trust... me.
12 The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13 An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14 Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
15 Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
16 A penny saved is... not much.
17 Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
18 None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
19 Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
20 If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
21 You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
22 When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
23 There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
24 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Answer 3

The senate has passed a bill to make English the official language of the United States. Bush said "This is the goodest news I've heard since Saddam's capture."

Answer 4

New birth control pill

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new
Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and
Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints."

Answer 5

Hi, Honey, this is Daddy; Pick Up


"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh, my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486-5731??"

Answer 6

The doctor told the lady I have bad news and worst news. She said okay... what's the bad news? The doctor replied you have 24 hours to live. After a moment the lady said so whats the worst news. The doctor then told her I forgot to call you yestureday.

Answer 7

I have 3
_________________
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno
______________________________...
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for his birthday.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
DEAR GOD, I HAVE YOUR MOTHER.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
_____________________________________----
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 8

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts, you can get for 2.29 a pound and Deer Nuts you can get under a buck.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A lick-er cabinet.

Answer 9

There is a blond in a cornfield, sitting in a rowboat. Another blond drives up and says, "It's blonds like you that give blonds a bad name and if i could swim, id come out there and kick your butt."

Answer 10

thos probally doesn't count and i'm ripping it off ron white but" i got kicked off the high school debate team for saying " yeah , well f*#% you! ....the other player was speechless ....i thought that was the point of the game"