For Christian Women...feeling numb?

Question

Hi, im a christian guy, no this is not a notice for a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend (christian aswell) that i love very much. i can't imagine my world without her. She feels that same way and we know that we want to get married. marriage has come up lately and offcourse that stirs personal issues that must be repaired before getting married to one another. lately she has told me that she fels very numb as it easier to deal with this stuff. THe thing is she isn't dealing with it, jsut burrying it. Once a made a comment that 'sex in marriage can be romantic'. that really stumped her. she said she had never thoguht about sex taht way, she said that she knows she should but just never has. she has not been sexually abused or anyhtin. Now my question is why do women have complexes and issues about sex? Why do women go numb so OFTEN? no comments on breaking up plz, i dont need that rubbish, we will work through this jsut want advice.
Her dad was never really their for her emotionaly.Thanks

just in case you are wondering we do not believe in sex before marrieage. both are virgins.

Answer 1

I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have a fantastic marriage. It hasn't always been this great, and we have had many trials to work through. The one thing for us is that from the beginning divorce was never an option or an answer to problems that arose. It was a commitment for better or worse. We took that very seriously. I before I was ever married made the decision that my husband would never have to look for it sex or love from someone else because I couldn't or wouldn't be aware of his needs. Marriage is about compromise and understanding. Sexual intimacy is tough for many people. First of all I will say you are right about sex being romantic. That kind of attitude will help tremendously. Second, I believe that women who don't enjoy it or that it is a chour for either have issues (as you think) or the spouse is not fulfilling her needs. Good intimacy is achieved when both are fulfilled and taken care of. Women who are not satisfied repeatedly over and over gee, can you imagine the frustration a man would have. It goes both ways. That's telling it in as basic as a way as possible without being overly crude. You have to communicate and tell each other what works and what feels good. I can say that my husband is a wonderful partner and that we have a very good and fulfilling relationship where sex is concerned. With that said I do think that that is not a common thing. There are the issues of respect, helping and being an active parent and roll model, treating her with kindness and not complaining but talking about things in a productive way without critisium. That goes along way. Men can not expect women to go to the bedroom and be all romantic when the husband comes home, plops on the couch until dinner is done then go back to the TV and does nothing to nurture or show appreciation as the wife continues to work and take care of the children and do everything else. Finally when everything is done she is ready for bed. Men get appreciation at work and recognition for a job well done. Well wives and homemakers need verification of a job well done also. And not to be rude but there are many hard working women who put in full days out of the home and then have to go home and keep working so they are doing 2 jobs by time the day is over they are very tired. New moms well that is a whole other story. It can be hard work taking care of the babies and toddlers and learning all the new things and taking care of those little ones. Yes women do have issues but it's not about the sex but everything that happens prior to the bedroom. We are not like men who can just look at our spouses and get aroused. Nope, it doesn't work that way. I joke about that sometimes and say that Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he made women the way he did. He realized that if both sexes where that way nothing would ever get done. But truly if men made a bigger effort to make sure their spouse was satisfied sexually and...... made simple gestures to help and show appreciation men would be much more happier with their sex lives. My husband does both and in return I love him so much that to be aware of his needs and desires is just a simple way of returning my love for him. I don't know if this helps but I think that we have it going on.

One other thought, women do I think tend to use sex as a punishment when their spouses have done things to upset them. He hurt me, so I'm not going to give him that. Sex and intimacy should never be used as a tool for revenge, but for men that is something that is sooooooooooo important to them and women do know that.......................

Answer 2

98% is clearly ludicrous. That doesn't leave room from the millions of atheists, Jews, Muslims, neopagans, hindus, buddhists, etc in the country, much less those people who believe in a God but don't follow a specific religion or even believe in Christ but choose not to identify as Christian for any number of reasons. I've seen multiple studies that measure people identifying as "religious" in the US at 80-85% (although the studies are kind of old now), so putting Christians somewhere in the 70s seems very reasonable. How do you define "Christian," if you aren't accepting that people who claim they are Christian are actually Christian? You say they don't act Christian. By whose standards? Why are yours more objective than others? And you do realize that NO ONE lives fully up to an ideal, and Christianity even accepts that in that everyone sins. To only count people who go to church as "Christian" is well outside of any academic definition of Christian. So before anyone can look for numbers, you need to define what you count as criteria, since you reject the most common criteria. If you want to know how many people live up to your personal criteria, you're going to have to make your own very complicated poll.

Answer 3

There's definitely something bothering her and you yourself said that you guys have personal issues to repair. This is going to take a lot of prayer. Something has happened that she's become numb. Don't push for answers. Don't break up. It's a gift that both of you are still virgins. You need to find out what's bothering her.

Answer 4

Sex is the one issue that most parents do not ever talk about with their children. So they have absolutely no idea what it's all about. They learn as they go along and often get a lot of misinformation. I've read a book that my help your girlfriend to better understand married love. It's called Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. It might be a good idea if you both read it.

It's refreshing to find to young people willing to save the most intimate part of their relationship for after they are married. You and your girlfriend are to be commended. You have the foundation for a long and happy marriage. God bless you both!

Answer 5

that's just it,she doesn't have anything to compare it too...but also their is a sickness in women called frigidness,but i doubt that here...sex in the media is not exactly romantic nowadays.she's had to stay numb to remain a virgin.if u do get married just don't expect on the first night it probably won't happen,but if u are a good christian husband you will understand.

Answer 6

I think you are very wise for asking for help now. Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. When that component isn't working, the relationship suffers. As a counselor, I really believe that you both need to seek professional help. Not all women have issues about sex but your comments about her father are very telling. Hang in there and meet with a competent professional.

Answer 7

Just as Christian women we're supposed to have self-control and that may take time to let go of after marriage. Hopefully not too long. Just be gentle, loving, and she'll come around especially as she loves you already. Make sure you go for pre-marital counseling to discuss a lot of issues too.

Answer 8

I think this is wonderful that you care so much. I actually think that perhaps she has emotional issues and should work to clear them before marriage. There are plenty of pastoral and social counselors available and through faith you can find a path through this. www.christianitytoday.com may have some insights for you. www.themarriagebed.com will give ideas of how to act in marriage as a christian.

Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 9

hmm..as a christian..i would say..props for still being a virgin...as a woman id say..we tend to take intercourse as a physical expression of feelings..but if shes numb..maybe she should deal with that issue before you two head to the next level..therapy helped me in alot of ways..maybe it can help her too..it can be a safe place where she can express herself and analyze her numbness

Answer 10

You are very likely not going to get the answers you need on this site... What you are doing by not having sex before marriage is great!! But seek some pre marital counseling.. Even if you are not having relationship problems, pre marital counseling can help you and touch base on many subjects that you may not think about. Maybe your church offers something like this ...

Answer 11

She HAS been abused; she's not able to talk about it yet.
She's showing all signs of it. Encourage her to go for counselling. You will always have that problem in your relationship now and after marriage.