any one got any jokes??

Question

it doesnt matter what kind, i just need a laugh...thanx

Answer 1

Little Johnny: excuse me miss, if big people can have little people and big cats can have little cats and big dogs can little dogs why cant big trains have little trains. Teacher reply's: I don't know johnny you will have to ask the head master. So up to the master he goes and asks, If big people can have little people and big cats and dogs can have little ones why cant big trains have little trains. He replies I'm not sure you will have to ask your father. Off Johnny runs and asks his father the same question. His dads reply: I don't know Johnny you will have to ask the Station Master.. Excuse me, Mr.station master, If big people can have little people and big cats can have little cats and big dogs can have little dogs why cant big trains have little trains.. The station master replies: Well you see Johnny they always seem to pull out on time...

Answer 2

The Magician and The Parrot


A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the f__kin' ship?"

Answer 3

Here are some:

A blonde decides to go ice fishing. So she cuts a hole in the ice and sets up her stool when a voice booms from the heavens, “There are no fish under that ice!” She moves her stool over ten feet and cuts another hole. Again, a voice says, “There are no fish under that ice!” “Is that you God?” the blonde asks. “No. This is the manager of the ice rink.”



A couple is playing golf at a course near a luxury condo complex. The husband accidentally hits a ball through a window of one of the condos. They decide the best thing to do is to confess to the owner. They walk up to the house and the door is open so they walk in and see the golf ball lying next to a broken vase on the floor and a middle aged man sitting on the couch. The wife starts to apologize to the man when she is interrupted by him. He says, “I’m a genie and I’ve been trapped in that vase for 1,000 years. You’ve freed me so I will grant you two wishes.” “Why only two?” the wife asks. “well, I figured you could at least let me have one wish because I’ve been imprisoned for so long.” The couple thinks about it for a minute and eventually they agree. For their first wish, they ask for $10,000,000. “Your wish is granted” says the genie. For their second wish, they ask for a luxury yacht. “your wish is granted.” replies the genie. Now for his wish, the genie asks to sleep with the man’s wife. She’s hesitant at first, but the husband convinces her to go along with it, considering all the free stuff he just gave them. So they proceed upstairs to the bedroom, go at it, and when they are finished the genie asks the wife how old her husband is. “35, why?” she asks. He snickers and says, “And he still believes in genies?”



Q: What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?

A: They both make you wait around an hour for a two minute ride

Answer 4

On a wet snowy day a tragic accident accrued, two cars slid into each other on the road. Amazingly no one was hurt. The driver of the first car was a women and she got out and went to the other car to see if the diver was hurt. She found out the driver of the other car was a man and not hurt at all. She says to the man, " Thank God that neither one of us got hurt, it must be a sign that we are meet to be together." The man said, " Why yes I think so also." So both of them started talking and the woman says to the man, "You know we should celebrated our good fortune, I have a bottle of wine in my car, we should drink it." The man said, "I think that is a great idea", and he took the bottle and drank half of the wine. He then handed the bottle over to the women and offered her a drink. She told the man, " No thanks, I think I'll wait for the Police to arrive at the accident."

Answer 5

questions and perfect answers




"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the
other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?

Answer 6

A woman returned home from work and was surprised that her dog didn't greet her at the door. She put food in his bowl and called him, but still he didn't come. She found him curled in his bed not moving.

She picked him up and took him to the vet. The vet took the dog into an examining room and laid him on a table. He had to decide how he would tell the woman that her pet was dead.

While he was considering this, a cat wandered into the room and jumped up onto the examining table. The cat rubbed up against the dog and then began to sniff it's snout and ears. Then the cat went to the other end and sniffed the dog's tail.

Gathering his courage, the vet went to the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has died, and there was nothing I could do."

The woman thanked the vet and asked for her bill. He gave it to her, and she asked him, "Dr., I see that you charged me $35 for the examination, but what is the other $200 for?"

The vet looked at her and smiled, "Oh," he said, "That was for the cat scan."

Answer 7

2a.m. On a rainy, cold night a man answers a knock at his door. Returning to bed, his wife asks who was there. " Just some drunk looking for a push" he says, "Did you help him?' "No way, not this time of the morning" "Don't be so lousy it's not so long ago you were helped in the same way, go and help him" Reluctantly he gets up again, puts his raincoat on & goes out to look for him in the cold... Not being able to find him on the road anywhere..he calls out .."Where are you?".... the drunk calls back.......... "Here, Over here on the swing".

Answer 8

One day Banta Singh wanted to get his son Pappu laid on his birthday, so he took his son to a brothel. At the brothel, the pimp showed Pappu how to use a condom by stretching one over his thumb, and then proceeded to show Paapu to a hooker. After three minuites, Paapu got off the hooker and pulled it out. The hooker then said "Baby, I'm so wet inside, did the condom break?" Paapu checked his thumb and said "no".

Answer 9

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetary. One day 2 boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the one boy.Several dropped and rolled down towards the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.Sure enough he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won"t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered,"Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peeked through the fence, yet couldn't see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!!!!!

Answer 10

a man lost his credit card but he did not report it

because the thief was spending less than what his wife usually did