When it comes to my 18mos old- My Mother is driving me nuts, do I tell her how I feel or let it go?

Question

Since I became a Mom My mom is driving me nuts. When we visit her or she comes over she basically ignores me and my husband and only pays attention to our child. I get that she loves being a grandmother but she should still have a conversation with the adults in the room. She also likes to tell me about all the things my child can do like I have no idea what they can do. She babysits for me a couple of times a week. It just seems almost like she is obcessed with it or something and it kills me. I wanna say something but I know she won't see it my way. Like the other day she told me (as I giving my child a snack with chocolate) "you can give them the "snack" with out chocolate, or you can give them the "snack" with chocolate- I don't mind" I was like "YOU DON'T MIND" - I am the mother I make decisions for my child. Am I just overreacting? I obviously have to deal with my in-laws as grandparents too and they can be annoying in their own way, is it just because she is my mom???

Answer 1

Yes, she is your mom,in her eyes she has this "authority" and children of yours might as well be hers because she feels sooooo much love for them. My mom was like this also. I told her once and only once, I am her mother, you are my mother, so while at some point in my life you had the authority to tell me what to do, that authority no longer exsists, and while you welcome suggestions, you are still the mother of the child and you will be the one to make the decisions. Your mom is a mom, which means she can handle you telling her this. It may sting for a second, but when it goes away, she will be a much more "effective" grandparent.

Answer 2

I think a heart-to-heart may be in order. Try scheduling it without distractions such as leaving the baby with your husband and visiting your mother alone. Word it kindly - "I know you don't mean it this way but when you _(i.e. tell me what to do with my baby)_, I feel _(you think I am incompetent)_." The part about feeling ignored may sound like you are jealous of your baby, but I understand you need some adult conversation, so tread lightly on that issue especially. When she tells you all the things your child can do, share a story of your own about what the child can do even if your mom knows it.
The "back off" approach sound harsh to a woman you obviously respect and count on as a baby sitter. She was such a wonderful mother, you must have turned out good enough to be a mother to her grandchild. Try negotiating some boundaries acceptable to both of you.

Answer 3

Well I think all moms are like that . My mother -in-law was real bad about it when my husband and I had our first. Every time we came to visit she would take the baby out of my hands. Sense we had our other two I've let some of it go . If I have a problem with something I tell my husband first then I tell his mom. The one thing that tell bothers me is she tells people that my kids are her babies insist of her grand kids. Tell her how you feel maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it or bite your tongue and go on about it. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Tell her she already had her chance to be a parent with YOU (and your siblings if you have them) now it's time you had a turn, I KNOW you don't want to but if you have to to get her to listen to you stop the babysitting a couple times a week (take it down to a couple times a month) if she shows up after you've told her you've made other arrangements don't back down. Call a babysitter take your mom out to lunch (WITHOUT the kid) tell her you REALLY enjoy being with and TALKING to her, and you really miss that! Then would be a good time to lay down the law about the boundaries you feel she's crossed (by doing it in public she's less likely to get into a loud and embarassing yelling match over it with you). My mother in-law is a lot like your mother, she got mad at me for yelling at the dog for something and I snapped at her and said I was an adult and and there were TWO things SHE didn't tell me how to do and that was how to treat MY dog OR raise my children because if she did then she didn't have to see them anymore (in otherwords it STARTED out being about the dog but ended up being a threat to back off or she wouldn't be allowed to see her precious grandchild). She has never questioned me again, and in fact has respected me a bit more when I have told my daughter no she can't have a cookie bfore dinner (before that she would have given them to her behind my back anyway) now it doesn't happen anymore (I've also thrown a fit and taken the cookie away, and said to my little girl, I'm sorry you can't have that, but Momma said NO, and what Momma says GOES, I'm sorry Grandma was wrong to give it to you when she knew you couldn't have it, I said it loud enough my mother in law heard it, and then I shot her the dirtiest look I could without my daughter noticing) It was a bit easier for me because she is NOT my mother, BUT I have had a VERY close relationship with my father (and not my mother) and he is VERY controlling (wanting to know why she didn't wear a bib, or why I let her stay up so late (9pm) or why at 3 she was no longer taking naps, or told me I held (carried) my son too much, I said to him politely, that this was my kid to screw up any way I wished and he already had his chance to screw up his own kids, and if he didn't like it then he could leave and NOT watch how I chose to treat my children, also mention (so it doesn't sting so much for her) that your mom did a good job raising you know she needs to watch her own work in action and see that you can do a good job because of what she taught you. I know it's hard to put your foot down, it took me years of therapy before I could (because of my issues with my own mother), the truth is in your own power, you are an ADULT now, you get to decide how much you are going to let your mom push your buttons, if she says something like she did about the chocolate snack thing say politely (not sassy) "thanks for approving but I really didn't ask you for your opinion, (say this next part sincerely) I will let you know if I ever have any questions because I know you are a good source of info on good parenting." You are NOT overreacting, believe me around the world the one thing most people will get the most defensive about is if you question their parenting methods. When she comes over have your kid over at a friends house (to show up maybe 30 minutes later) so you have time to talk with your mom, or ask her directly about things, loudly and obnoxiously (as she is trying to ignore you and play with your little one) until she answers, if she gets annoyed by your questions about how her day went or how was that visit with aunt maude just tell her you are just trying to keep in touch with her and are interested in the things going on in her life (don't make it about you and what's going on in your life, she will catch on and maybe even return the questions when she is ready). Good luck, I know your mother is probably deep down a great person, she just loves your little one SO much she doesn't see she is trashing her relationship with you. I'm so sorry, I truly hope things get better!

Answer 5

She is not respecting your role as mother. She is a controlling person. You don't have to put up with it (and you don't have to invite her over). Good luck.

Answer 6

tell her to back off u obviously know what your doing

Answer 7

u must speak ur mind.these r ur kids not hers.just b polite.