any good jokes? best one gets 10 pts!?

Answer 1

NO SEX TONIGHT

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head, and women with their heart.

For example:
One evening lasts week, my wife and I were getting into bed, well the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "What??? What was that?"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.. . . . .

"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you . . . . she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet, when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight, either.

Answer 2

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 3

I have 2
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Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno
___________________________________________________
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for his birthday.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
DEAR GOD, I HAVE YOUR MOTHER.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

Answer 4

A man named Joe walked into a bar on the rough side of town. The bar was packed, and the only seat left was between a biker and a harmless-looking old Chinese man. He reluctantly took the seat, ordered a beer, and looked over at the biker to his left.

Joe smiled and said ,"How are you tonight?"

The biker said nothing, but bared his teeth and growled.

Shaken, Joe took a big swig of beer and looked over at the Chinese guy. He smiled and said, "Hey, how ar--"

The Chinese man swept Joe off the seat with one swift movement, put his palms together, bowed and said, "Jujitsu, Japan."

Joe got up, dusted himself off, and sat down on his chair, moving it slightly farther from the old man. He took a gulp of his beer, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and began to speak again. "Hey, Man, I did not mean to--"

Again Joe was knocked to the ground quickly by the tiny old man. He bowed again and said, "Karate, Korea."

By this time, Joe was getting a bit shaken, so he lit a cigarette and took a couple of puffs. He finished his beer, ordered another, and took a moment to reflect upon his predicament. He decided that he would have to tell the old man that he would not take any more abuse, and that he was just trying to make conversation. He began, "I don't know what your pro--"

"HiYAH!" The tiny old man slammed Joe to the ground, and again he bowed, saying, "Tae Kwon Do, Tai Pei."

Joe decided that he had had it with this little old man. He dusted himself off, slammed his beer, paid the tab, and walked out of the bar.

A moment later, he returned for one final attempt at communication. He said, "Man, if you hit me one more--"

"Whaaaah" THe Chinese man leaped out of his chair and tried to hit Joe again, but Joe swung first.

Joe put his palms together, bowed, and said, "Tire iron, Detroit!"

Answer 5

Whats the difference between a Priest and a Christmas tree.

Their Balls are just for decoration.

Answer 6

if man tells a woman her hair smells good is
it sexual harrassment?

suppose it's a midget.