Critique my literature?

Question

You don't have to read both. I've been told my my teachers I should really look into working as a journalist, but constructive critisism helps:
"No need for words."
So much wind, we can bring back life.
The Stars, they never let life get too dark.
Bitter smiles, and sweet tears.
Sitting there, gazing upon one another.
No words exchanged.
No secrets told.
Yet, the moment, was like an amazing story.
The story of our lives.
No words exchanged.
Actions were our words.
No need for speech.
Sound was sick and absent.
Souls collide.
This is where the book begins its new chapter.
and oh, how we have no clue.
So much blue, we can drown.
Yet, our heads lifted high above the oceans of fear.
Held up high in the clouds of hope.
Look, now we're saved.

"Just Me and You."
I'm choking on my words.
Swallowing my fears.
You're eating up my time.
We're laughing at mistakes.
but there's nothing better.
I can jump, and know I'll fly.
Its just me and u.

xoxoJenny

Answer 1

You could probably go down the path of writing, but the first piece that youve written needs work. It has some nice lines in it, but it doesn't flow perfectly, and there are some weaker lines that could be changed. Try not to use cliches such as "souls collide", and be careful not to jump back and forth between past and present tense. Aim to make everything you say relevant. It can be metaphorical or abstract of course, but some of your references seem a bit random, such as "so much wind" at the beginning. Also the repetition of the word "life" in the first 2 lines sounds a bit funny.

Dont take offense, just trying to help!

Answer 2

The stars,

Bitter smiles, sweet tears
or
Bitter smiles and sweet tears

Yet, the moment

And, oh,

Yet, our heads are lifted high

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On the last poem, capatalize the But


Good job by the way!

Answer 3

I liked them both very much! Very poetic. They could be songs. Maybe song writing is in your future too.

Answer 4

Not bad poetry. Doesn't necessarily make for good journalism. Stick to it.

Answer 5

Eh.... Ok. So, you should submit them to a magazine and see if they like them enough to print.