hey wat are some funny jokes i am bored outta my mind and its worth 2 points right?

Answer 1

Mailman's Last Day
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F__k him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Answer 2

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

Answer 3

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
was that funny or what?

Answer 4

One day a guy was walking down the street, when he met a geeny.
The geeny said' you have three wishes, and your wife gets double
Guy: I wish for a house.
Geeny: Your wife gets double!
Guy I wish for a sweet car!
Geeny: Your wife gets double!
Guy: I wish to get beaten half to death...
Geeny:Your wife gets double.Your wife dies!


Joke two:
What did Sant Clause say to the three blonds at the corner?
'Hoe, Hoe,Hoe!'



Joke three: In a room is a large pile of money. Four people are fighting for the money. they are: A smart blond, a smart brunet, santa, and the easter bunny.Who gets the money?
The smart brunet, cause the others are not real.

Joke four: How do you torture a blond?
Tell her you put a dallor in the corner of a circuler room.

Joke five: How do you kill a blond without touching her?
You tell her there is a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

Joke six:Two blonds walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would of seen it.

Answer 5

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of
that Brokeback-Mountain **** in our garden.


10 points plz

Answer 6

ou gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that
>took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and
even
>Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...
>
>At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a
>microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone
for
>coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
>especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new
>father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
>
>As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a
>special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's
chair,
>including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his
gift to
>everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
>
>Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with
>the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had
>hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there,
just
>watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to
the
>dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage
annulled
>first thing in the morning.
>
>While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding
>out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing
>were wrong.
>
>His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest
>wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's
>reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls
>the size of church bells.
>
>Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
>Commercial out of this:
>
>Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
>friends.........$32,000.
>Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion .....$3,000.
>Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
>The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
>and
>the best man having sex..........Priceless.
>
>There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
>MASTERCARD!

Answer 7

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do ask Two Dogs ********,"

Answer 8

A guy goes to alaska, goes into a bar and asks the bartender "how the heck do you make friends in Alaska?"
Bartender say's "well you gotta do 3 things in Alaska to get any repect, first you have to drink a bottle of yukon jack, then you have to shoot a polar bear, then you have to bang the town whore"
The man say's "ok, give me a bottle of yukon" he slams the bottle, and walks out of the bar.
The man comes stumbling back in the bar some time later, all bloody clothes torn to hell and say's "ok now where's that whore i have to shoot?"

Answer 9

Chuck Norris' girlfriend asked Chuck, " How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Chuck dropped kicked her and said, " Don't **** with the Chuck".

Why was 6 afriad of 7? Because 7 ate (eight) nine.

Answer 10

Here's one I read today:
A blonde is sitting on a train reading a newspaper. She reads this as one of the leading news story: "12 Brazilian Soldiers killed." She turns to the man sitting next to her and asks, "How much is a brazillion?"

LOL!