What are some really funny jokes?

Answer 1

The First Date

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Answer 2

There was a magician who was working on a cruise ship... because the audience changed every week, he was able to continue to do the same tricks every week to a different crowd.

The captain of this ship had a parrot that went to every one of the magician's shows and it was not long before he had them all figured out and would shout in the middle of each trick exactly how they were done... "look, he has another hat just like it under the table cloth... or why are all the cards in that deck the king of hearts..." , and it infuriated the poor magician, but what could he do??? It was the captains bird!!!

Well, one night the ship hit an iceberg and sank into the ocean. The magician survived and was hanging onto a floating piece of debris, and as fate would have it... the parrot was on the same piece of debris.

The hatred was so strong between them that neither would speak to the other... The first day passed without a word... The second day passed in total silence.... By the end of the third day, the parrot finally broke down and said. "Okay, I give up.... what did you do with the friggin ship??!!"

Answer 3

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

==============================...

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Answer 4

A snail strolls slowly into a car dealership.

The snail says to the Dealer, "I would like to purchase the finest Rolls Royce you have."

The Dealer says, "No Problem! Is there anything special you'd like added to the car? Perhaps make it convertible or adding a step ladder?"

The snail thought about it and finally said, "Actually there are a few things I would like you to add if it is possible."

The Dealer said, "Sure! What is it?"

The snail said, "I want a big "S" on each door and a really big "S" on the roof of the car."

The dealer was astonished and asked, "Why do you want a big "S" on the doors and the roof?"

The snail said simply, "So when I'm driving down the street people will say..."Look at that S-Car-Go!"

Get it? ESCARGOT?


Bwhahahaha!

Answer 5

There is a ship in the middle of the sea. The first mate says to the captain and says "Captain, there is 1 enemy ship on the horizon line". The captain says "Bring me my red shirt". They enemy ship comes closer and fires it's cannon. The captain's ship fight's all day and finally wins. After the battle was over the first mate asks the captain why he needed a red shirt for battle, the captain replies by saying "So, if I am wounded the crew members will not see the blood and keep fighting. The next day the first mate says to the captain "Captain, there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon line". The captain replies by saying "Bring me my brown pants".

Answer 6

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the
passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered! They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

LOL

Answer 7

A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a
show in a very small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential
as a person . . because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but, women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells,"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your
knee."

Answer 8

ou gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that
>took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and
even
>Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...
>
>At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a
>microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone
for
>coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
>especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new
>father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
>
>As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a
>special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's
chair,
>including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his
gift to
>everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
>
>Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with
>the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had
>hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there,
just
>watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to
the
>dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage
annulled
>first thing in the morning.
>
>While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding
>out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing
>were wrong.
>
>His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest
>wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's
>reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls
>the size of church bells.
>
>Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
>Commercial out of this:
>
>Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
>friends.........$32,000.
>Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion .....$3,000.
>Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
>The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
>and
>the best man having sex..........Priceless.
>
>There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
>MASTERCARD!

Answer 9

Well there was a pirate and a sailor talking on the ship. The pirate had a steering wheel below his waist and the sailor was very curious.
At last the sailor asked the captain why did he had the steering wheel under his waist and the captain said" Its driving me NUTS!!!" LOL!!!

Answer 10

Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.