my 12y/o daughter and i used to be so close now in middle school she is so distant. How do we get close again.

Question

My 12 y/o daughter got into middle school and now I dont even know who the hell she is anymore. Im like who is this person we used to be so close, talking about everything. Now she gets in trouble, ended up getting transfered to a disciplinary school. Its never her fault. she has gotten very sneaky. I dont even trust her anymore. She has also become very disrespectful to adult. Not me or around me, but outside of my presence. If i put my hands on her i think i'll hurt her. I am not a naive parent, but i can't even give her the benefit of the doubt. I love my daughter, I want to do so many mother daughter things with her, but she's always in trouble. We used to be able to laugh and enjoy each other. I used to joke about having 10 of her if i could but now thats not even a thought let alone a joke. Plllllleeeeessssseeeee Somebody tell me how to find my baby. I know she is still in there. I refuse to give up on her. I know that she can do better. We just need a little help.

Answer 1

Try to remember how you felt at age 12.

She's still a little girl in a lot of ways, but she's in the nether-world of the teenage years.

Drop expecations and build trust. It's important to try to continue to communicate with her. Encourage her, and tell her you love her.

This is the start of the transition from child to friend - if that is how you look at it, hopefully you'll see the path to take to build friendship with your daughter.

Also, she actually really needs a dad (not sure if you're dad or mom) and a strong positive male influence in her life. She needs a healthy, trusting friendship with her father to establish healthy non-destructive relationships with men later in life.

Answer 2

Well, I'm a teacher. I don't have kids...but usually when kids act like this to thier parents, they seek solace from a teacher. Talk to her teachers and see if she has made any good relationships with them. Often, a teacher can repeat the exact advice as a parent, but it gets across because the teacher is NOT the parent. In this way, you can know that she has at least one adult that she looks to for guidance and she's not off with the wrong crowd. I wouldn't push the other stuff. Be a strict disciplinarian, however, as, at this age, they are testing their boundaries between childhood and adulthood. She may scream at you if you say she's grounded, can't go out with her friends, or that she has to stay with you during some event, but she will thank you later...once she gets to about 16 or 17...and then you'll have a best friend again. Be patient. Talk to her friends' parents, etc. so that YOU have a support group. Offer to drop her off at the mall or whatever and then pick her up...you write the rules. There are also some pre-teen dance nights at local rec centers you can look into that if you told her about, she might consider, and then you'd know she was some place safe for the evening, and she would know that you want her to have fun, but that you care about her.

Answer 3

This is a very hard age.. you can help your child by getting her involved in a church group.. having a lot of positive activities available to her... ie: the family goes ice skating or to the movies.. make it a fun family night.. keep her so busy that she does not have time to hang with the wrong type of kids.. Be supportive.. be loving.. even when you want to strangle her.. LOL I know.. I have raised 4 daughters.. and it was no easy thing.. but is worth it... make sure that when your daughter tells you something you don't want to hear.. that you do not judge her.. but be there to pick up the pieces.... and again.. I stress get your family into a church with an active youth group.. new friends and new activities will be a big help.. if you are already in a Church.. get involved and get the kids to rally around your daughter.. and above all else.. make your home the one the kids want to visit.. if they are at your house they can be monitored... I know that is tough.. most parents work all day and don't want a bunch of kids hanging out but for the few years that she will be home.. it will make a life time of difference.. Good Luck.. I will be praying for you... :)

Answer 4

Sounds like you are doing a lot of thing right. You care, you are attentive, and you want to do something about it. I was a troubled youth, and knowing that the adults around me cared, and kept an eye out on me helped in making better decisions. I would ask other family members to get involved and spend time with her. Maybe find a friend or two of hers that you think are appropriate and make friends with them.

Also, when I got in trouble I was punished. I actually went to jail for 5 months, that helped, only because I had constant supervision from a councilor.

You just need to get the core problems out in the open, let her understand you understand her issues. You might not agree with them but its not the time to argue them. Once you have an understanding of her issues, you should be able to start working on them.

Answer 5

Thats so sad. Yet it sounds so familiar. I remember being there in life, not like it was long ago. Im 21 and maybe got over my adolescent phase a few years ago.
Thats all it is, a phase, I promise. Stick to your guns, because now is when she needs your guidance more than ever, even if she dosent know it or want it. The way you react to her during this point in her life will affect her all her life.

There is a ray of hope though!

Listin to what you said....she is sneaky, and does not disrespect you or anyone around you. This is good. This shows that altough she is putting up this act to impress her friends and make her self feel in control, she still has respect for you. As long as you have this, you have the advantage. She knows her limits.

Now like it or not, you will be the bad guy for the next few years. "so say goonigh to da bad guy" (scarface, may favorite movie)lol ANYWAYS you are in control and stay there. Limit when she gos out, but not crazy like. If she misses up, then keep her in. If she is around 13 I know she has discoverd the invetion of the phone. DUH! This is the only link to the outside world for teens. Who pays the bill? You. So cut it out if she ***** up. This will piss her off, but give you a pawn to play and be motivation for her to act right. Tv, internet, you know? Cut anything and everthing out if you have to. As I said, the more you take away, the more reason she has to act well.

Also dont baby her. ALWAYS take her side, but fully listin to what the teacher has to say. As you know they are, most of the time, correct. Take care of her your own way.

All I can say is work at it and dont give up.
She is no longer your baby, shes your teen, and soon to be, women.

Answer 6

Oh, how I wish more parents were like you. Never give up on your children. Show her that you were 12 once, too. You have some idea of what it feels like to go thru all that she must be going thru now. Let her know that you understand she's becoming a big girl and that with that comes taking responsibility for ones actions. All I can say is don't crowd her, but don't give her a do whatever you want badge either. I'd say you musn't fear being unloved for being the disciplinarian. After all, its your job. You must protect your daughter from herself. This phase your daughter is going thru is not your daughter, its just a body and mind confused, she thinks she has to be a lot of things to a lot of people and its up to you to help her discover that all she has to be is herself. Screen those friends!

Answer 7

If she's been getting into trouble over anger issues then tell her how to handle the anger. Plus you might want to spend more time with her since that sounds like the best thing to do in this case. I don't know what she likes to do but just do it with her so that she has a better memory of you and vice versa with you and her. You can also give her better rewards for doing good things since positive influence makes for a great catalyst in many cases for a closer relationship between older and younger generations.

Answer 8

I think you remind me of my mom.
When I started reading your question, I thought you were a dad!!!
Teens can be quite a confusing time. And it is so confusing for so long that we think we can never ever forget our moments of trauma and utter confusion, however, I feel you have lost touch not just with your daughter but your own teenager years.
You should sit down and talk to her. She is not the same 10 year old girl. She is getting into trouble to get your attention.
Treat her like an young adult.
If she is not on drugs or bad company, I dont think you have a reason to worry.
Be for her in the back ground.

Your question also reminded me of a Japanese mother ( real life story )
This lady gave birth to a son who was severely spastic and no schools would take him. But she quit working and demanded and finally convinced one school to admit her physically challenged son.
This mother used to carry her son every single day, for 10 years to his school and stay around till he finished his classes and then carry him back home.
Then the son grows into a teen and starts rebelling, and though the mom feels bad about not been able to be for him, she decides to be there for him in the 'background'.
Meanwhile, her son develops an interest in Maths, and his mother recognizing this, encourages her son to enroll for a Math Scholarship. He starts preparing for the scholarships feverishly.
But then there is a glitch, her son suffers from severe spasms and in previous exams, he always lost a huge amount of time, picking up pencils that dropped while writing.
She wants to help her Dear Son, but does not want to get in the way. What does she do?????
When he arrives at the Exam hall, he sees that his name is not there on any of the desk, but to his surprise, he finds a larger table. His mom had arranged for him to be seated in a larger table, so that his pencils would not fall down.
He at that moment felt like he had his mom right next to him when she used to drop him at school.

He gets the scholarship and becomes one of Japan's most famous scholars!!

Moral of the Story:
Stick by your child. It really does not matter whether you are at the front leading your child or at the back, lifting him to greater heights
Let them make their mistakes and beat their own paths.

Cheers!!

Answer 9

wow .. i read all the answers..arent we lucky to have the internet to help each other thru these confusing times! i remember i had turned introverted and very quiet..my daughter turned from me too..but now she is 23 and i think she is beghinning to understand why i did what i did to stay close to her..u have to hang on..not loose your temper, or say bad things, put her childhood photo on the fridge to remind you waht a lovely angel she really is, try to get tpo know her freinds, do cool things with her,,like shopping, or going out, eat out, cook nice meals for her and her freinds, dress well and stay well groomed when her friends come, do some thing you are good at that she can talk about to her friends ...so she can model her self on you, read up on problems kids her age get into and find answers from internet , watch movies on family issues, boyfriend issues, puberty and how to handle them, peer pressure, and what to do about them.. the answers are on this wonderful inverntion called the internet where all your freinds and supporters are offering their life experince and wisdom for free..so i am sure you will find the right solution for you and your daughter..coz u want to find the answer and you are a devoted mom who really cares and wont give up.
all the best!!

Answer 10

Puberty. Remember it? Parents are uncool at that age. Just wait for her on the other side of this phase of her life. She will return to you.

You need to cut the apron strings as well. She is becoming a young lady and needs her space. The more you crowd her, the more she will force you out.

Just chill, maybe have a girls day out if you really need to be with her.