I do not love my mother. What should I do?

Question

I had a very difficult childhood, and had many mental health problems. My mother didn't abuse me but I do not feel I was loved...
I was always the person in the family who was in the wrong.
She would often tell me she loved the dog more me, and she wished I wasn't born.
She would not talk to me for up to a week if I was 'naughty' and every birthday she would deduct money from my birthday present for any misbehaving I had done in the previous year.
I had bulima through my teenage years, but my mother still would often say how fat I was.
I was bullied at school..but felt I recievd no support at home..when I wanted to tell my mother...she would ignore me..and not talk to me because I had upset her in the house. The only thing she ever said was deal with it yourself....

I was very unhappy as a child...but I am now happy because I have moved out , emmigrated to a different country, got married and I'm expecting.
I don't have any bad feelings towards my mother now, but I did when I was younger.
I would like a relationship with my mother, And she said she wants to be friends with me.
However she only talks to when I have 'happy news' If I am feeling sad she tells me it is not her problem.

I don't really want a mother as a fairweather friend but as a real mother who is there for me.?

Is this wrong? I feel guilty because she is my mother but she does not act like a mother to me, and I know that honestly I would not miss her and would feel better to cut of all memories of the past.

What should I do?

Answer 1

This makes me feel that your mother did abuse you - not physically or sexually but emotionally. This is a valid form of abuse, and like any other takes a lot of time and love to heal.

I suggest that if you have now moved out of the family house, you write a letter to your mother, telling her how she made you feel, describing both positive and negative situations. See how she responds. If she responds negatively, denying or invalidating your feelings, then have very little to do with her. She is your mother, but there is no reason you have to see her if it makes you uncomfortable. If she responds positively to the letter, apologising, wanting to build a better relationship, try and build a new relationship with her.

Counselling may help with this as this was child abuse. The most important thing is that you don't hold on to this hurt and get bitter, but let it go; your mother doesn't owe you anything. This is very difficult to do, but eventually you will be free from this pain.

Answer 2

First of all....I'm really sorry for what happened to you growing up.

The most important thing to understand and accept is that nothing is going to change anything that happened in the past. You can paint a rosy picture that everything is different now - but the problem is you are still dealing with the same person.

She just does not know what she has done wrong - if you confronted her she would probably tell you how everything she did was somehow related to your behaviour and not her fault at all.

When we grow up we want to have this 'perfect' relationship with our parents. It's just not always possible.
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You may have to accept that she can only offer you what she can in this relationship. You wont be able to rely on her to help with your problems or even see your side of things.

It is what it is!!!!!!!!!!

I still think it's better to have her in your life, if you can. She wont ever be the MUM you deserved but you may have to make allowances and move along the best you can.

Good luck and I hope that everything goes well with the baby. You deserve to find YOUR happiness now. Don't let the past or other peoples actions take anything away from your special time.

Answer 3

Commiserations on haviang had a terrible mother and miserable childhood. I had similar, and though mine mother was bad, yours sounds like a Stephen King character. A mother is supposed to love, unconditionally, blindly, to say 'I told you so' when you fail again, but love you anyway, and do all they can to help you. Else, what the hell is parenting. Your mother is a classic passive/aggressive, and she should not have the right and privelidge of only associating with you when all is rosy in the garden. If this was a boyfriend or husband, the advice would be clear. Ditch them, for your own sake. But you can't really go get another mother, one that you deserve. You shouldn't spend any more time in the company, or in contact with, this conditional witch/hateful biatch!
The hardest, most clear-cut break that will speak directly to her, is one of a jaded attitude to her. Let your calls dry up. Be to busy this week to have her over, or visit her. Let it happen again, and again. Field calls with an answerphone. Let six months go by, or more, without talking. She'll see that you stnd on your own two feet without her. That you don't need her permission or authority to feel good about yourself. That you don't fear her, so she cannot bully you. It's a fight you win, by not being there. DON'T have a blazing row, a big scene, angry letters. Let ennui be your arrow, it will strike as deep.

I hope you enjoy your children, you will probably show them more love in a year than she deigned to give you in a lifetime. And if you feel yourself acting as she would have towards your child, stop. Back-up, count to 10. Chill.
All the best for your new happy life.

Answer 4

It sounds like you had a terrible time!

I didn't have good relationships with either of my parents. My dad was an alcoholic, but I made peace with him when I was older and I am glad I did, as he died of Cancer shortly after.

I feel that taking the 'adult' role is not always for the eldest party - sometimes the younger person is more mature and able, if you can try to have some kind of relationship with her, at least you will know you did the right thing in the end. She may be mentally unable to cope with other peoples problems, my mother is always disappearing when the chips are down!!! Don't expect a perfect mother daughter relationship - try to create that yourself with your own child.

Best of luck, good wishes to you for a wonderful future

Answer 5

I think you should put up with your past, take it as it is and not to worry about it. Your mother will not probably change. You need to be a balanced wife for your husband and a loving mum for your coming baby. Let your past go away without your feeling guilty, ashamed, or whatever. Concentrate on your present life. I hope you have a loving husband. If so, be happy and maintain your relationship. When your child is born, be a loving mom, avoid all mistakes and faults your mother used to make, and be wise - always consider how your behaviour and treatment can affect your baby's life.

Answer 6

I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I suffered much mental abuse from my mom when I was growing up. She even told me when I was younger(and up until I quit speaking to her) that the doctor told her when he found out she was pregnant with me to get an abortion because he believed pregnancy aggravated her M.S. Even after I married, she still mentally abused me.

I no longer have any feelings toward my mother. No love, hate, or indifference. If you can get over what she did to you, then you are the better person. As for a relationship, that is solely up to what you think would be best for YOU, not her. It's not something that can be found here.

Answer 7

You cannot change the past but you can decide whether or not you want your mother to be a part of your future.She may never be the mother you are hoping her to be but that doesn't mean you can't try to have a relationship with her,good or bad she is your mom and you should at least try to love her. If she just becomes a burden in your life then move on and let her do the same.Then you can say at least YOU tried!!!!!

Answer 8

I do not mean to be ugly or mean but your mother sounds like a very selfish and self centered person.
It is unfortunate that you had to be the recipient of her "mental illness". Yes, mental illness. There is something wrong with someone who tells a child that they love the dog more or tells a bulimic child that she is fat.
You are looking for something from her that she is incapable or unwilling to give.
You are married now and expecting your first child, create your own little family.
Surround yourself with those who love you and don't let anyone ever put you down again.

Answer 9

Well, your mother has done a lot of harm to you. She has not been a mother to you and either does not know how to or does not want to. A mother should be there and want to be there for all the events in her child's life, happy or sad. I am sorry for you but I think if your mother continues this way, you may be better off without her. It might hurt you more to have the "wrong" kind of relationship than to not have one at all.

Answer 10

Well, you're mother is your mother, so I'd recommend keeping in touch. Luckily though you live in a different country so you won't have to see her too often! But you've learnt how not to be a mother so hopefully you will know what to do with you're own child, this is a fresh start.