I do not love my mother. What should I do?

Question

I had a very difficult childhood, and had many mental health problems. My mother didn't abuse me but I do not feel I was loved...
I was always the person in the family who was in the wrong.
She would often tell me she loved the dog more me, and she wished I wasn't born.
She would not talk to me for up to a week if I was 'naughty' and every birthday she would deduct money from my birthday present for any misbehaving I had done in the previous year.
I had bulima through my teenage years, but my mother still would often say how fat I was.
I was bullied at school..but felt I recievd no support at home..when I wanted to tell my mother...she would ignore me..and not talk to me because I had upset her in the house. The only thing she ever said was deal with it yourself....

I was very unhappy as a child...but I am now happy because I have moved out , emmigrated to a different country, got married and I'm expecting.
I don't have any bad feelings towards my mother now, but I did when I was younger.
I would like a relationship with my mother, And she said she wants to be friends with me.
However she only talks to when I have 'happy news' If I am feeling sad she tells me it is not her problem.

I don't really want a mother as a fairweather friend but as a real mother who is there for me.?

Is this wrong? I feel guilty because she is my mother but she does not act like a mother to me, and I know that honestly I would not miss her and would feel better to cut of all memories of the past.

What should I do?

Answer 1

Well I came from a very simular life and if you dont feel love from your mom than its not unusual that you cant feel love for her.Me and my mom were astranged most of my life except when I had something good to say.But then one day my mom called and said she had cancer my stepfather had passed away 2 years before and she was all alone.The doctors gave her 6 months to live.None of the other family would help 3 older brothers and it was on me now anyway to make a long story short my mom came to live with me till the day she died 6 mo later and we tried to fix our relationship but even on her death bed she still could not bring herself to be the mother I needed and wanted to have.Sometimes this is just the way it is dont be sad or mad at yourself or even with your mom not everyone was cut out for motherhood do what you can to keep some kind of contact with her unless it has a negative result on you but keep it limited if your relationship is unhealthy.Live your own life and be happy with the people you do love dont stress about something you cant fix, fogive her and yourself for feeling this way and give yourself permission to be happy with or without the love for your mother.It will take time but you can do it I have faith in you.And maybe try telling your mom what you told us be honest with her about how you feel then move on.Good luck and congrats on your new life live it dont let it live you.

Answer 2

First of all don't expect her to change. She might, but don't depend on that. It can help to talk to her, but only if you are strong enough to handle it if she puts the blame on you or if she denies things.

The best you can do is try to heal yourself from the mental abuse you have suffered. To grow up like that can give deep wounds and can have a huge influence on your life.
It might help you to look for a professional to help you dealing with your past.

Anyway the fact that you don't love her comes out of self defence. Because to realise deeply that the child in you needs(and deserves!) a loving mother the hurt can be just too big.
I think you should not feel guilty for not loving her. A child deserves a loving mother and there is nothing a child can do to not deserve a loving mother!

For years I have hated my own mother. My story is off course different then yours and we don't have the same mother.
I had to deal with my past before I could open myself up to her again. My mother has also a loving side, so in that way I am lucky. I have a good relationship with her now, we both worked on that.
Again, my mother is not yours. Maybe you will never be able to restore the relationship with her. Don't feel guilty if you wil never love her.
It takes two to tango, the fact that she gave birth to you doesn't mean you owe her anything.

If you want to cut yourself loose, do it. Free yourself! No-one else will do it for you.


I wish you a lot of strength!

Answer 3

Greta,
As children, we are powerless over adults. A child does what s/he has to do to survive - avoidance, denial, etc. However, these tactics don't work to our advantage when we become adults.

If you haven't already, I urge you to seek professional counseling from a licensed psychologist who will help you heal.

Contrary to what you say, your mother was/ is abusive. Withholding parental affection and verbal assaults are just as damaging as physical blows and causes a child to believe there is something intrinsically wrong with him/herself. It is not surprising that you are bulimic.

If you are going to have a fighting chance to thrive as a adult - and may be a loving and nurturing mother one day - Greta, get professional help. Women who do than more than survive the kind of childhood you've been through find themselves in counseling - off and on - for a lifetime. The path is painful and mending isn't a one-shot deal, it's a process.

If you do not get professional help, you run the more than likely chance of becoming like your mother. We do what we know.

Peace, Enlightenment, and Best Wishes to You

Answer 4

Just so you know, you WERE abused. Your mother may not have hit you but she killed your self-esteem little by little with nasty comments and unfair discipline. It's called emotional/psychological abuse. You may want her to be your mother, not just a friend. Sadly, it seems that she's proven that she is either unable or unwilling to assume that role. I understand that even a grown woman with children of her own needs a mother. Are there any women in your life who have filled that void for you in the past or present? I would look to them for the nurturing that your biological mother is incapable of. If you don't have someone like that in you life, then go out and find it. It could be a neighbor, a lady from church or other community activity you're involved in.

Answer 5

It is better to surround yourself with people who support you. We choose a new family of friends if the family we are born into doesn't nurture us.

Answer 6

you should cut her out of your life you dont want such a negative person around your child. just remember to do and say the opposite to your child .

Answer 7

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