My husband is raising 3 of his grandkids and they are putting a strain on our marriage. Do I leave or stay?

Question

I knew my husband had the kids when I married him. I did not know that they lied and stole like they do. They are 9,10, and 11. They have not been made to mind and are constantly in trouble at home and school. He says I am too hard on them but I made my kids mind and they have turned out good. The oldest has alot of mental or whatever problems. He is seeing a counselor and the counselor says they are rebelling because their mother left them and that is why they lie. They see their mother everyother weekend and every Wednesday. Other kids have been through worse and turned out ok. What do I do and where do I turn? I am loosing my mind.

Answer 1

You stay! "Through Thick and Thin"....remember your vows....

Answer 2

Honey, it is hell. I am at the point between there and been there. We've been married 10 years and they were brats at 8 and 2. I almost didn't marry him because of it. I had four well mannered, good citizen children. We made an agreement that no matter what, we would stand together as real parents for all. It worked great when you only saw the girls every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Their mother spoiled them and when they would lie and steal and we would ask her about it she would stand by them and deny it happened. They had to change daycares all the time, she would move them to a new teacher and even a new school with the claim it was the teacher's fault. They had no idea about hygene and still wet their pants and didn't know how to wipe.Through the years they have rifled through the neighbors house, stole from the neighbors, ruined two of my good friendships or chance at new friendships. They have alienated our extended family and my grown kids never come to visit anymore. They have lied about me in so many ways I can't even go into it. At 16 and age 10, their mother dumped them on our door step a year and a half ago. She had had enough of the monsters she had produced. Nobody asked me, but it really was the right thing to do. My husband, a peace loving soul, felt it was an answer to prayer. But he is an ostrich with his head in the sand. It was hell last year. I was surprised and hurt that all of a sudden he went from being a strong father that my kids loved for his gentle disipline to a weenie dad that put his kids before the rest of the otherwise happy household. My kids were stolen from, made fools of by their step sister's behaviors which resulted in misery in their lives. Every time they come back from their moms increasingly, they have to be detoxed and re-taught. I was reminded constantly that I should think about their feelings, and how would I feel if I got dumped by my mother. He told me I was too mean and all the rest - you've heard them all. I felt and still sometimes feel that I am in a prison and can't get out. Finally, after he mentioned divorce fifteen or so times, It came to a point that I said either we get a divorce or we go back to the basics as we did in the beginning. If I say something he has to stand by it. If he says something I have to stand by it. We don't always agree, but If he is not there to handle it, you have to be the boss and it has to be known you are the boss. The good news is, the mom has backed even further out of the picture. Yay. Without her influence, we have made great strides. I have a great knowlege that our marrage was to be and that keeps me going. I don't know all the answers, but just knowing somebody else is going through it really helps. You are a wonderful woman. I'd like to thing my step kids would say that some day, but it will never happen. But somehow I don't care. I'm just hanging on until they are out of the house.

Answer 3

Keep in mind that your husband is doing a very noble thing by taking care of his mis-guided grandkids. He's having a tough time too. Believe me. He needs your love and support. Be there for him. Work with him. You are a team and can battle most anything. Especially this. Don't give up. Instead, try to find the root of the problem and attack that. Not your husband by leaving him.
Don't let a 9, 10, and 11 year old beat you. You're stronger than that.

Answer 4

You and your husband, in order to be on the same team through this, probably need to sit down and discuss some set in stone rules for the kids. He thinks you're too hard. You probably think he's too easy on them. Find a medium. Set up specific punishments for disobeying the rules and determine what is absolutely not allowed. Whatever gets the kid's attention. Maybe taking away TV or phone or whatever each individual is really into. Kids will sense when you two are not on the same page. So you have to do this together or it will be a big mess. Just remember...this too shall pass. Good Luck and I feel for you.

Answer 5

Well this is a tough situation. First of all you need to lose the attitude that other kids have been through worse and have been ok. Pain is subjective. My pain is the same to me as your pain is to you...no matter what level it is on it still hurts. Not everyone deals with their pain the same way...and these children are obviously going through a hard time in their life.
They need consistancy and stability.
You and your husband need to sit down and have a serious chat. You are coparenting these children and part of coparenting is making decisions and setting rules of the household together. That is the most important and if you can acheive that you will see a change in them.
Now as far as whether or not you should leave him you and only you can make that decision.

Answer 6

These kids have probably been through a lot. They are victims of things they had no control of. They need lots of love and time. You can bring bees with honey not lemons. They need understanding but know what their rules are. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about whats expected and set rules together. The worst thing is for the kids to get mixed messages. They need to know that your house is home and that they are loved not a burden. If you can't do this then you should leave. They don't need to feel they are not wanted there also.

Answer 7

I totally understand your frustrations.

However, the kids need you, however rebellious or liars, they need som1 who can show them the way...trust me, the kids would eventually be really grateful to u when they grow up for not abondoning them like their mother. If you give up hope now, they would never improve.

And your marriage with your kids-loving hubby can improve when you Both sit together to solve your kid's problems and you will find him getting emotionally appretiative about u.

Well, all of the above was written keeping in mind an ideal situation. However, you could always try convincing your husbad to send them to a boarding school or you could also try going alone with ur hubby to a hillstation and have another honeymoon and come back with a fresh mind to tackle these domestic problems.

I wish you all the strength you need to get thru this.

Answer 8

"For Better or Worse" is what you agreed to Not; "ONLY IF YOUR GRANDKIDS ARE WELL BEHAVED". You took vows before God, now you need to trust God to bring you through the worse and into the better. Pray for them and if they will let you pray with them.

*But irregardless of your relationship with God, The man your with is your Husband not your Boyfriend so you don't just bail out because things are going your way for a while. Hang in there and do whatever you can to help him get the kids on the right track. But you have to work together or the situation will tear you apart.

Answer 9

First , I would confront the problem to my husband if I were in your situation.Why don't you try to help the kids? The situation might be a little too hard for them to handle.Try to do more of family oriented activities.Talk to the kids as if they were your own.Make them feel loved and appreciated.Get to know them( weakness ... strong points..etc and use reverse psychology with this in mind).Kids who usually act like this are missing something;maybe love, affection, self worth;maybe they are having problems in school( peers, not being social,etc) .Maybe you should enroll them in some type of sport or camp( something that can make them boost their confidence and to gain more contact with their peers.). No, why would you leave your husband?The issue is his kids, not him;and ofcourse he wouldn't want his kids to be perceived as deliquents, so he defends them instead.You have to understand him.Trust me, they are just missing something in their lives( they might also be jelouse of the fact that " you took their mother's place." They are just kids.Work it out.If it cannot be worked out, then I guess you just have to do what your heart tells you to do.Good luck! Everything will be ok.Pray!

Answer 10

it says for better or for worse. if u werent going to take those vows seriously then u shouldnt hav gotten married. that being said, those kids r going through a really tough time right now. they probably miss their mother and r resentful of their whole situation. how would u feel if u were in their situation? ur not sure what ur future holds, and the one person thats supposed 2 luv u no matter what, and b there and support u just abandoned u? and what about ur husband? how do u think he feels about all this? take som tiime 2 think things over and then decide what u want 2 do

Answer 11

maybe the best thing to do is to find some kind of family counselor that you can all go to to try to find out what the problems are and how to go about fixing them. Also he should realize that giving in to the kids to make up for their mother's abandonment is just going to make the whole situation worse. Let him know that if he wants them to grow up to be normal functioning adults that he needs to lay down the rules and enforce them. I also thing that you and he need to sit down and you should try to calmly express your feelings and views on the situation. I know they aren't your kids but it is your house and you do have a say in what happens in it. You should also try to show the kids how a mature woman behaves with her kids. I know you aren't their mom but maybe you can show them what a real mom is like. Let them know you don't want to take her place but you are there if they need to talk. If you love your husband, then there is most always a solution to a problem. As long as you are both willing to work on it you still have a chance.