what is the best jok you have ever heard?

Question

I will be happy to hear your funny jokes!!!!
thanks alot!!

Answer 1

Bill Clinton: I did not have any sexual relations with that woman!

Answer 2

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
Organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
That the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
Seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
Spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
Spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
Revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that
The spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
Frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
Better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
Man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace I t
With his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
Instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
Waiter's' fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same





String hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
Waiter,





"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time I n
The restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull
It out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Answer 3

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Answer 4

Three old man are sitting in a park and waiting for the other friend to come.One of them starts to brag about his son:My son is very successful in the car industry he even got his friend a new Lamborghini last month.The other man starts:My son is so successful broker that last month he gave his friend a lot of stocks.The fourth man came and the third man started talking:My son is so successful in real-estate that last month he gave his friend a big house.Then it's the fourth man's turn:What can I say?My son doesn't have a job and he's gay.The other three man had opened their mouth when they heard about that but the fourth man tells them:Oh don't worry that's not bad and he must be good at what he's doing 'cos last month he got new Lamborghini,a big house and lots of stocks as a gift from his lovers

Answer 5

This is cute, enjoy.


> >>> > Three men, one German, one Japanese and a
> Mexican were sitting naked
> >in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> >The German pressed his forearm and the beep
> stopped. The others looked
> >>> >at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he
> said, "I have a micro
> >chip
> >under the skin of my arm."
> A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese
> fellow lifted his palm
> >>> >to his ear. When he finished he explained,
> "That was my mobile phone.
> >>> > I have a microchip in my hand."
> >>> >
> >>> > The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not
> to be outdone he decided
> >>> >he had to do something just as impressive. He
> stepped out of the sauna
> >>> >and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
> piece of toilet paper
> >>> >hanging from his butt. The others raised their
> eyebrows and stared at
> >>> >him. The Mexican finally said.........., "Ay
> Dios Mio, will you look
at that? I'm getting a fax.."

Answer 6

once a miser mother fell ill. her daughter decided to cook for her. she cooked some spaghetti and gave it to her mom. her mom asked," did u find the spaghetti strainer okay?" she replied,"dont worry mom, i didnt find it. so instead of buying a new one, i used the fly swatter." her mom,"what?!" daughter,"yes and i used the old one." ha ha ha ha ha ha.

whats the difference between a fat person sleeping and a baker?
one breaks the bed and the other bakes the bread!

whats the diff between a teacher and a train master?
one trains the mind and the other minds the train!

how is 3+3=7 like ur left hand?
bcoz it is not right!

how long is a shoe?
one foot long!

why isnt ur nose 12 inches long?
bcoz then it would b a foot!


one day nita was praying very hard. her mom was surprised and asked her bout this," did u pray for something special this night?" nita," yes i prayed to god to make shanghai the capital of china." mom,"thats weird. why?" nita," coz thats what i answered in my geography test." ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

once a customer finds a fly in his soup,
customer: waiter, there is a small fly in my soup.
waiter: dont worry sir, ill find u a bigger one!
the next day,
customer: waiter there is a spider in my soup.
waiter: thats bcoz the flies r on a strike sir!

once a redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on an island. the redhead swims for 5 miles and then dies. the brunette swims for 10 miles and then dies. the blonde swims half of the sea, and then returns to the island. why? coz she was tired!

Answer 7

HOTEL KERALA-FONIA


On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here

His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar, I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!

(c) The Yeagles

The lyrics of Hotel California from which the above song was inspired as a parody is below...

Answer 8

The best Joke i ever heard is the Phrase:

I Love you HA HA now thats funny

Answer 9

A new type of technology has just been invented. It just came out yesterday. Sam was one of the first people to buy it. The product is a voice activated radio for your car. You say what type of music you want to listen to, and it immediately starts playing. So, Sam is driving to work one day. He just got his radio. He says "country", and then hears country music playing on the radio. After a few songs, he says "jazz", and soon he hears a jazzy tune playing now. Almost arriving at his work, he turns a sharp corner and suddenly slams on the brakes, because he sees some boys playing in the road, and he almost hit them. "F**king boys..." he says to himself, as a Michael Jackson song starts coming out of his speakers.

Answer 10

theres this girl that wants a blue baby so she asks a korean guy can u help me make a blue baby and he replies hell i dont c y not!
9 mos later she has her baby but he isnt blue so she gives him the baby.
the next week she goes 2 an american and they have the same convo and 9 mos later she has a white baby so she give the baby 2 the father.
a few days later her and a chineese man have the same convo and sure enough she has a baby 9 mos later only this time the baby is blue! she say OMG HOW DID U DO THAT I HAVE A BLUE BABY!!! and he replies hahaha i play trick me put windex on my dick!

Answer 11

The Hippie & The Nun!

A Hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun.
He said to the Nun, "I want to make love to you!"

The Nun replied to the Hippie, "I am a Nun, I can not have sex."
Shortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop.
The Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, "I know how you can make love to that Nun..."

The Hippie asks, "How?"

"Well," said the driver, "Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the cemetery and prays. If you dressed up in robes and had some glowing stuff on your face you could pretend you were God and demand sex from her."

"Good idea," the Hippie said.

So on the next Tuesday night he gets dressed up in some robes, puts some stuff on his face to make it glow and goes to the cemetery to wait.

Sure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and started praying to God.
The Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, face glowing, robes moving in the breeze and said, "I'll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to me."

The Nun is shocked to see God in front of her.
She said, "OK, but it must be anal sex as I have to keep my virginity."

"Fine," said the Hippie.

The Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and the Hippie does his thing.

When he is done he stands up, whips off his robes and yells, "HA! HA! I am the Hippie!"

Whereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said, "HA! HA! I am the Bus Driver!"