Help! How do I get out of a wedding party without drama?

Question

I the maid of honor for a bride whom I barely know. I thought it would be fun, but as I get to know her, I find I do not like her. She is possessive over me with other female friends, she puts my hubby and I down in front of others by telling them we have "issues" and that her relationship of four months is much more solid, and the other night she lifted up my skirt in front of a barroom while I was shooting darts. I was wearing a thong and totally embarressed even though they were all women. Last night she called me at 1:30AM to ***** about something that happened with her daughter. I told her unless she was dying, do not call me at that time again. I want to get out of the duties of being a maid of honor because I don't want to be associated with this person but am afraid I will cause a bunch of drama. I am a yankee in a small southern town. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings and creating drama? She is totally unstable and I really don't know what she will do.

Maybe I should wait until it is over and then stop hanging out with her. the wedding is 9/3. Can I do it without going crazy? And I have to plan her bridal party and help her decorate. I don't even want to talk to her but I am her maid of honor and people will talk and I will make an enemy out of her which I really don't want. Help!!!!!!!

We are both not from here, so she asked me. We worked together and I thought she was fine. However, her work ethic is completely different then her personal ethic it seems.

Also, she told me that this would be a small wedding with no reception or bridal party. Now it has turned into this huge ordeal. Its her second wedding. I am at the point were I want to refuse going to the bridal party. I am not sure it will be worth it.

Answer 1

How long until the wedding? If it's in the near future, it's probably too late to back out.

If it's several months in the future, I would tell her that, after much consideration, that you don't feel that you are the right person to stand next to her at her wedding. Wish her well, and cut off the friendship. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship to me at all, and I wonder if she asked you since she doesn't have any really close friends to ask due to her warped personality.

Answer 2

In a small southern town, everyone already knows that this lady is ... um ... not always easy to get along with. They will be watching you to see how you deal with this. You'll earn a lot of "Brownie Points" by sticking it out and open yourself to lot of criticism if you don't. If this lady is 'possessive over' her friends, then there is no way to renig without hurting her feelings, and she sounds the type to create maximum drama at every opportunity.

You are going to have to continue setting boundaries, as you did with last night's telephone call. You are her maid of honor, not her therapist. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or blackmailed into activities that are not among the ordinary functions of your role.

As for the skirt lifting episode, I'd let the first instance go and laugh about how "Bridey" had a few too many that night. If she persists in that sort of bullying, you will have to avoid seeing her socially. For all but the most essential of your functions, you can develop "tension headaches" and leave early or skip them entirely. People who know this lady will understand.

After the wedding, make several public offers to help her with her thank you letters, and then drop her like a hot potato. Remember, you don't have to LIKE her or even PRETEND to like her -- you just have to fulfil your duties as maid of honor.

Answer 3

Go to her and tell her some of the things you said here. Or buy her a book on wedding etiquette. It will have a place about the wedding party and how to treat to them to some extint. But if all of this causes drama then really get into it and make a gigantic scene in the bar with her and tell her all the things you would reported on here for saying.
Or you can keep your mouth closed, smile, and keep a distance that would give you room to breath around her. Don't go out when she is going too. And when she does do these really degrading things, smile and say "You know that could be a point but I really don't think so." "Maybe things will turn out different than you think." "Don't you have a back porch that needs cleaned off first?"

Answer 4

wow what a mess!! you should not have to deal with or go along with something that you feel pressured into doing. that said there is going to be drama, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. if you want her out of your life forever I would be a Bi*ch right back... i would wait until the wedding day ...say 30 minutes before the service to back out, there will be lots of drama..but it will not last forever...the show must go on...right? then I doubt she will ever talk to you again!
or wait until the next time the two of you are with other people say your husband and her husband to be and perhaps a few others... tell her out lound in front of them, be nice but very frank. that way you have witnesses and she can not make you out to be the bad person and it won't be the big "he said" "she said", and she can take it as she will. like it or lump it.
and I'd let her husband to be know of all the reasons why he might be sore at you now but in a year when they are getting a divorce he will be your best friend!!!

Answer 5

Tell her that you don't feel like you can give her the 100% commitment that she needs. Drama or not, you don't need the added headaches that she is causing you. Anyone is allowed to say NO to wedding duties, absolutely no one is obligated to say yes and then become someones beck and call person.
I think that she is jealous of you and possibly your relationship. She spends a lot of time drawing the attention away from you and onto her. Why is it that you don't really know her and yet she wants you to be her maid of honor... no closer friends or family. That seems kind of odd.
Tell her face to face and make sure you have someone with you. If you tell her on the phone, I have a hunch she might "not remember" having the conversation with you.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Ok...WHY did you accept such a big "position" in her wedding if you don't know her that well? That's a rhetorical question, but I had to get it out.

The answer is....there is no way to get out of it without drama unless you flat out lied and said a family member is sick and you have to leave for a few days/weeks to be by their bedside. There will definitely be drama.

You don't know this chic well and I would be straight up. Tell her how you feel about her behavior, but keep it very brief- don't get too specific. Say that you feel uncomfortable playing such a big role in her wedding and apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. I would do this over the phone just in case she flips out and tries to like....slap you or something.

Good luck. I'd like to know how this turns out.

Answer 7

How did you ever get asked to be the Maid of Honor for a bride you barely know? And why would you have ever accepted?

Both you & the bride have some major issues. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 8

dukalink6000 said it all. If your heart is not in this, and you are mistreated this badly, you have all the right of the world to leave (preferably shooting and slamming doors). :)
But by stating that you can not be for her what she needs, (which is true, apparently she needs a pushover she can mistreat) there is no fight, no fuss and you can leave with a clear conscience.

Be firm though, don't let any sudden butt-kissing (as this kind of people have a way of doing when their victims stop playing along) convince you to do it anyway. Good luck!

Answer 9

you could desire to enable it pass. You 2 are no longer that close and you merely asked her as a courtesy on your fiance. She is pregnant and DID tell your fiance; it rather is adequate. She is pregnant and has plenty extra on her ideas than your wedding ceremony. to no longer point out the reality that her husband is the excellent guy in a marriage days from the start of their newborn. This became into no longer a private situation-free at you, merely congratulate her, tell her you're sorry she will have the means to no longer have the means to be interior the marriage and enable it pass.

Answer 10

Its pretty obvious she does not like your or respect you, so stop worrying about hurting her feelings, she don't worry about hurting yours- How the hell did you get into this situation in the first place-

I would tell her that you do not feel close enough to her and future husband to be in such a position as MofH and to find someone else.