My husband's grandmother totally offended me in front of the family...what do I do?

Question

My husband's grandmother offended me by telling me that my daughter and I were fat. Given that at the time my daughter was 13-months old and had just begun walking, yes she had baby fat, but come on. And me, well I am 5ft8" and 152lbs...I wouldnt exactly call that fat! What would you do? I am from Australia and they are from the southern US. I understand that you have to respect the elder generation, but dont you have to give respect to get it?

Just so you know...my husband did have something to say about this so dont think that he didnt. He doesnt think that we are fat :)

Answer 1

Sounds like she is uncouth. why lower yourself to her level?

or if you just have to tell her:

"I may be just a little overweight, but I can diet and lose weight, but you will still be rude!"

Answer 2

I had the exact same thing happen to me at a family reunion (on hubby's side) several years ago. And I wasn't married to him yet!! I was floored! It was my husband's great aunt and she was very old and was beginning to show signs that she was losing her faculties, so I just smiled at her and let it go. She died within two years and I was glad I didn't lose my head in front of the rest of his family, because now we have been married for many years and I see these same people several times throughout the year. I do however believe that among people that can control themselves and should know better than to be so rude, you should expect the same respect you give. If she were to say anything again I would probably say something like "Well you got old!" If you are interested in maintaining family relationships, you could talk to the woman in private and tell her how she made you feel and ask her if she would like someone to make that same comment to her in public.

P.S. I live in the south.. I don't think geography gives anyone the right to be rude and obnoxious.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like your husband took care of it. There's a little legend here in the States of the Hatfields and the McCoys - two southern families who got into a dispute when Grandma Hatfield called Jimmy McCoy's new wife fat (of course, she was 8-1/2 months pregnant at the time). Well, that may be open to interpretation.

But, think of it this way:

1. Your husband cared enough to come to your defense (awwww).
2. In some cultures, "fat" is beautiful. Certainly it would seem to be a popular body type in the South. Perhaps it was a compliment.
3. Do you really want to spend every New Year's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas - not to mention every birthday, wedding and funeral - exchanging cross-the-room evil eyes with Granny and trying to force the rest of the family to take sides between the two of you? Or, worse, make your husband have to choose sides between spending time with his family (including Grandma) or staying home with his child and his sulking wife?

I didn't think so. So, before you get your queen-sized panties in a bunch, consider the source, be grateful for having such a wonderful husband, and learn not to take yourself so seriously. If she does it again, sit her down a few days later with a cup of tea, and have a calm heart-to-heart about how you're hurt by her little quips and that Australians have a genetic abnormality that eliminates their sense of humor about themselves (or something equally creative); you love her grandson and are proud to be the mother of her great-granddaughter, so please knock it off granny.

Or just do like the rest of us do, and laugh the whole thing off as the ravings of a crazy old coot. It could be the beginnings of dementia or maybe granny is just the Don Rickles of Arkansas.

Answer 4

I have this same problem. Every time my husband and I go to a function on his side of the family, his grandmother ALWAYS says, "You look soooo pale and sickly dear", even though I feel and/or look fine. My skin tone is a little on the pale side, but I have never, ever been able to get a tan and she knows this. I do get tired of hearing it every time I see her but........

......the way I look at it is most older people usually say what is on their mind without much regard for anyone else's feelings (why, I don't know), so I never pay much attention to what she says. I let it go in one ear and out the other and it makes my life much, much easier.

But of course, it is not good to let negative feelings build up inside of you, so perhaps you should tell her how much her statement hurt you. Hopefully, she will understand and never do that again. Good luck!

Answer 5

Families are engineered to drive us crazy, especially in-laws, who always seem to generate some kind of offhanded comment that guarantees certain levels of discontent.

What matters most is that you are healthy, you are happy, and so is your family. Grandma can say whatever she wants, perhaps you remind her of someone when she was younger, perhaps she's jealous of your youth, perhaps she's just rubbed the wrong way for various reasons. One thing is for sure though: it has nothing to do with you.

There are many reasons why people say mean things that make no sense to other people: boredom, loneliness, passive-aggressive tactics, irritability, sadness, grief, fear, suspicion.

You don't have to accept her view of you, try to stand in your grandmother-in-law's shoes and see a bitter old woman whose children are grown, and all she has left is the opportunity to take her frustration out on people she barely knows with inflammatory comments about their appearance.

When you look at it from this vantage, you can really see how there isn't anything she can do to hurt you, she is hurting herself. All you can do is look upon her with kindness and let her sad little comments roll off your back, she can't hurt you.

If she presses on, just be even and kind with her, you can simply say "I don't agree. Your great grand daughter is in perfect health for her age group, and I am in fantastic shape for a woman of my age for this time, but thank you for your concern."
Handle it with grace and compassion, it will disarm her, or frustrate her more, which will only make her appear more silly.

Answer 6

My husbands grandmother told my husband in front of me and his huge family All of the 9 aunts and uncle plus their spouses and all of the grandchildren and great grandchildren and so on that he should get rid of me because I play the field.

I just ignored her and my husband ignored her. He knew it hurt me a great deal.
When we announced that we were getting married and I told them I was carring his grandfather hankercheif down the isle as my something old they were livid. They told me I should carry something from Grandma not grandpa. At my wedding his aunt came up to me and said I am so glad you decided not to carry their dad hankerchief . I just smiled and excused myself.
had they looked any closer to my flowers the hankercheif was what was holding them together.

I have found that when women get old and they are not the center of attention then they get mean.

She died about 2 years ago. I went to the funeral and I did cry because she lived a hard life. But when I was around her I could feel she disliked me. But I know she treated my MIL the same way and so I just smiled at her each time I saw her because she and I both knew deep down inside that I had married her grandson and I could tell it was eating her alive.

so just smile and excuse yourself. I do that to my MIL now and she is getting the picture. And my mother is 5'8 and 152 also and she looks great I am sure you do too. Just smile you have her grandson and she does not.

Answer 7

people say foolish and hurtful things all the time especially family. my suggestion would be to let it go. sounds like your hubby supported you that is more important than stupid comments from unhappy or ignorant people. Some people have their own agendas, others don't know any better and for some reason as people get older they often say unkind or foolish things without any thought, but you can't let your life be ruled or day be ruined by these things. love yourself, your husband and baby and focus on the blessings in life.

Answer 8

no you're not at all fat!!! you're actually one of the only people in the united states that is at their proper weight. (lots of people starve them selves too thin or over eat, not everyone mind you, but, well watch the news). anyway, don't be surprised (or let the old ***** surprise you) when she pops off at you that way. she can be jealous of you too. and she really doesn't deserve anymore respect than she gives. she simply doesn't like you and that is that. accept it and move on. and the truth is she really doesn't have much respect for your husband either, hard to believe i know, but why would she try to cause strife between you too. (unless of course you're a raging alcoholic or out of control nympho drug addict. lol just kidding).

Answer 9

I would say that you should have confronted her in front of everywhere, chalenged her to a duel or slap each other silly. Seriously though, rednecks are usually rather blunt, disrespectful adn very opinionated. I'm sure one of these things had something to do with it. A lot of times, they don't think before they say something so, you can't take anything they say seriously...

Answer 10

Then thats all that counts. Older ladies just say stuff. They feel that age gives them the right. Ignore it and keep the family relations in the clear. What YOU think of yourself is the most important.

Answer 11

I would not take it personal some old people are crazy sometimes ( SOME.. NOT ALL). As long as you feel good about yourself thats ALL that matters. theres always someone who lacks common knowledge, courtesy, or is trying to bring someone down. Somone can only make you feel inferior only if you give them permission. I would kindly tell her that you don't want to hear it so she does not continue to make her inappropriate comments. Best wishes!