What do you do with a rebellious 12 year old?

Question

Nothing I do or say gets thru to him. about a month ago he was great but I recently found porn on his computer. the concensus then was to remove the computer which I did.

Now he's angry all the time and has become rude. Walking into rooms without knocking. And won't respect my privacy. He's gone into my room while I'm at work and uses my computer now. he's been in my bedside nightstand and looking thru my most private and "intimate devices" Then mentions it in the heat of any argument. He used to clean the house. Now I find that he has dumps my dirty clothes in a pile. He even tore my stockings for whatever reason. I've yelled and grounded him. None of this works. He's 12 years old. is that too old to strike him? I've about had it with him. Cause I really think he needs an old fashion beating!!!

a little clarification:
I'm a widow. My husband died in a car accident 6 years ago. he was a great man and terrific father. If he was here this wouldn't be happening.

It wasn't just an old straight porn it was "incest" stuff with cartoons,stories drawings of families and mother&sons and daughters&fathers. also I don't have a problem with him masturbating I know that's normal. but its what's he is masturbating to that I'm conscerned about.

I figure a summer without the computer will do him good. but he's furious about the idea. says he can't chat with his friends,read emails or surf. I told him that's too bad.

All of this "acting out" has to stop. And why should I have to lock up my things. Yes okay I own a vibrator. But I never gave him permission to go into my nightstand. That's just an invasion of privacy I won't tollerate. I like the idea of taking his door off of the hinges just to show him how it feels to be exposed like that. to be humiliated

he once called me a slut. I couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth. I could see the moment he said it. he wished he hadn't and he ran to his room.

I don't know what I've ever done to give him the impression I'm a loose woman. I haven't dated. My husband died six years ago. and I've been celibate. So I can't figure why he would say that?

Answer 1

ROFL !!!!!!!!!!!sorry but I have raised 3 of those little tigers....... and yes a beating is a natural reaction on your part, but I do not think it would work..... it would prob make it worse...... you have a boy that is turning into a little man right before your eyes...... the hormones , mood swings the talking back are all NORMAL things..... don't let him get to you sister !!! the more you react to it the more act he will put on for you..... they have a job to do, and that job is to drive us crazy or as close to it as they can get....... write down the house rules on a board along with the punishment that goes with each rule if broke.... explain it to him in adult language, that is what he is needing, to be treated as a young adult, remember he is between worlds right now.. so tell him you will treat him as he acts...... he acts like an adult he gets treated as such....... if he acts like a child he gets treated as such...... do NOT argue or yell or show fear or anger.... they are like wild animals at this age....... ROFL, sorry again, but I just had a flash back, and it is NOT from drugs !!! take a deep breath and plane your strategy, and get Dad involved if possible... a united front is what is needed here............ a big hug and a bigger GOD BLESS

Answer 2

You can't let him get away with this. His butt needs spanking but he may be too big (in size) for that. Something kids don't realize is how much he needs stuff from you - like rides, meals, clothes, money, all those things he takes for granted. So, tell him that if he treats you badly and doesn't do what he should, you will do the same and then make him walk, don't fix his meals, don't wash and iron for him, don't buy him anything he wants, walk in on him when he needs privacy, etc. and every time you say no, tell him why you are forced to do so. Make sure he realizes that he doesn't just get what he wants, that living together is a 2 way street. And lots of luck, this is just the beginning of 6 years of hell. I loved my kids so much, but when they hit their teens. Oh Mama.One other thing- sex is a big deal now and when they used to buy sex mags, they now can get on the computer- which is something I never had to deal with. but I think you should tell him your concerns, let him know you understand and try to work out some computer use without sexual sites - make him give you his password or just put yourself on the computer as the "owner" which gives you the power to see what he is doing whenever you want. This is important - you can control the computer totally by signing yourself in as the owner. Apparently you haven't taken advantage of this or he wouldn't be able to use your computer whenever he wants. You could even assign his password - threaten to make it "acts like a silly baby" LOL.Just getting upset and taking the computer away won't solve the problem. You could also use it as a reward when he behaves.Lot's of luck - the trick is to be smarter than they are and not to let them back you down. Hang tough.

Answer 3

There are three things you must never lose with your children, love, respect and communication. You are the adult in this situation and yet you disregarded these things. You should know that all young men his age are curious about sex, which includes wanting to look at naked bodies. It's normal. I would be much more concerned if he wasn't interested. However their needs to be open, relaxed communication about it. So he can learn to control it so it doesn't become an addiction. You need to learn how to listen and compromise on decisions for him in his life. It is his life. Not just lay down the law and expect him to obey. At 12 years old he is on the verge of adulthood. By now he should be knowledgeable enough to help make decisions for himself. How can he ever learn to make those decisions if not allowed to make any? So what if he makes mistakes, who doesn't. That's how we learn many things. So let him. Just help guide him in doing so. This requires trust and free, open communication. How can he ever become trustworthy if you don't trust him? True you should and have the right to check his computer usage but you didn't respect him or his space enough to do it with him. You went behind his back to do it. You didn't have enough respect for him to allow him his privacy. Then you took away his computer instead of listening to him. You bet he's angry with you. Would you want anyone to do the same to you? The way he's being now, with you is only the way you were with him. You set the example. You set the precedent.

Answer 4

Spanking him, a long time ago, would have been the answer. At this point you may be too late. I've found that if kids respect you, they will learn to love you. If they don't respect you, they'll stop loving you. Sounds like he neither respects nor loves you. So, at this point, your options are to gain his respect or become his friend (at his level). Option 2 usually backfires. So, step 1: get a safe and lock up your stuff. #2, get another safe or chest and start locking up his stuff as punishment. #3, whip his little hiney immediately whenever he does anything wrong. If you are in public, leave right away and wear him out at home. In a short while he'll hate you but will listen. Then he'll stop hating you and continue to listen, then he'll start respecting you and continue to listen. Then he'll love you. #4, Give him personal one-on-one attention beit video games, or McDonalds. Either spank early or spank often but w/o spanking, you'll have a bigger mess

Answer 5

I think you need to whack him hen he needs it, he's probably as big as you by now anyway. But I see a much deeper problem here. I think he has an Oedipus complex with you, I think he fantasizes about you sexually. that's why he is sneaking in your room, looking for intimate things. That's why he attacked your stockings, they are a very universal male sex trigger.

It's the hormones, along with the no father thing. He is starting to feel like the man of the house. He needs some male intervention, and you need to lock your door ans set boundaries.. It would probably have been better if you had a male friend by now. It would have defined his relationship with you. You have to discipline him back into the mother son thing, and break him out of his delusion that you are partners.

Answer 6

So, where's the Dad in all this? Did somebody trick you into thinking it would be easy to raise kids by yourself?

Why take away the computer? Why not just get parental access control to block porn sites?
Or, work up some kind of trust thing where he agrees to stay away from them.
By the way, what are you doing leaving your vibrators where a kid can find them? Are you TRYING to drive him nuts? I mean, here you are testifying by your actions that masturbation is a reasonable approach to sex, and then denying him the inspiration for it. That is weird.

Answer 7

He is probably trying to provoke you into spanking him. Hold him over the end of the sofa, take his pants down, and administer six hard whacks with a wooden spoon on his bottom. That will at least take the heat out of the situation.

Just one point which occurs to me. If you want him to respect your privacy, can you respect his a bit more? Does it really matter if he looks at incest porn? To be specific is he really showing signs of fierce sexual deprivation and could you try reducing his needs?

Answer 8

i was the same way, he is probably curious about girls now and his friends are telling him stuff. since he likes the Internet jump on sites for sexual education and give him a scare and find an std site with pictures and detailed descriptions. as for his acting out and being disrespectful you got to be firm and stand tall, let him know who is boss. don't feed him for a day or two and you will see some change. dont take him to a shrink. it will only make it worse. trust me i was there. they will say he is depressed or bi-polar. hes a kid full of hormones. they will put him on remeron , zoloft or something else. this will make him or any teen unstable mentally. then is off to the mental ward and maybe he will come home one day. just treat him like an adult but teach him respect.

Answer 9

Has someone said something bad about you to him, has he overheard something he shouldn't have ( sex related) that you have said not knowing he overheard or even seen something-maybe he went to the porn site to find out more about something- sounds to me like he is angry with you and is acting out . hope you can help him resolve the problem, just ask him, sit him down and tell him we are not getting up until we talk about all the things he is doing even if it means seating in front of him all night after all he is only 12 and something is really wrong

Answer 10

sounds like hes having a surge in hormones. my sons 13 and hes fine but is lazy we made a consequence jar and a reward jar in both jars we have written and folded papers which say things like clean out the refrigerate, clean moms car out, no PC for a day , have to baby sit nieces kids ( mine hates doing that) , in the reward we have things like order a pizza for dinner, rent a game or move, get an extra $5. , etc when he does something bad he has to pick from the bad jar when he does something that we dint expect he picks from the good jar might work for you might not good luck