best joke gets 10 points!?

Question

ill take any joke you got

Answer 1

How do you get 4 gay men on a bar stool?

Turn it upside down.

Answer 2

A man walks into a pet store. "I want the most beautiful bird you've got!" the man says to the store clerk. The store clerk goes to the back of the store and comes back a few seconds later with the most beautiful bird the man has ever seen, with every feather a different color. "This is a weeble, the rarest bird in all the world." the store clerk tells him. "I'll take that one!" the man says. So he goes home with the weeble. When he gets home, he tries feeding the weeble birdseed. But the weeble just sniffs the birdseed and turns it's beak up at the food. So the man tries fish. The weeble does the same thing. This goes on for a week, each day the weeble getting hungrier and hungrier. Finally, worried sick, the man brings the nearly dead weeble back to the pet store. "It won't eat anything I give it! And if it doesn't eat soon it's going to die! What should I do?" the man asks the clerk. The clerk looks at the weeble, and slowly pulls out a $1 dollar bill, offering it to the weeble. The weeble quickly eats the dollar bill in one gulp. The clerk then gives the weeble a $5 dollar bill, and the weeble does the same thing. "What are you doing!?" the man asks. The clerk looks at him strangely. "Don't you know? Money is the fruit of all weebles!!"

Answer 3

An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says......... "No ****, what law firm do you work for?"



There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that you're a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place.

When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already ******* someone!"

Answer 4

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"

"Nope" the guy replied.

So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"

The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."

The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"

"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."

Answer 5

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can putty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b*tch."

Answer 6

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he
Realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

(You'll love this one...................)

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"Cleanup, Register 5"

Answer 7

ok there was a british guy, american guy, and an irish guy who walked in a bar and the bartender said, what is this come kind of joke???


ok there was a french guy, american guy, and an irish guy who ordered a whisky and the whisky had a fly in them all. since the french have weak stumaches he orderes a new one. the american throws out the fly and drinks it. and the irish man takes the fly and yelled at it"SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT U LITTLE BUGGER! SPIT IT OUT LAD!"


ok ok there was an old couple that was going on a trip for they're 40th anaversery and so they went to they're honeymoon suitein florida. his wife got tied up at work and said ill meet you there tomorrow. so when the husband got there he sent his wife an email. he accidently sent it to an old widow in winsconsen which her husband had just died. she read it and it said " GOOD NEWS HONEY I MADE IT SAFLEY! I AM WAITING FOR YOUR ARIVAL TOMORROW!!!! LOVE YOU!

P.S. IT IS F***ING HOT DOWN HERE!!!!!!

Answer 8

three girl a burnet,blonde and a red head were schudueled for deaf they were gonna get shot the red hed is first the police men said ready aim and the red head shut tornado the cop looks around and nothing hapenned the cop back at the red head but she gone.next the burnet come up and says earthquake the policmen look around and nothing they look back and she gone.By now the blonde know what is happening the policmen says ready aim and the blonde shouts FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

theres a baby tomatoe and a daddy tomatoe and theyre walking down the street. the daddy tomatoe is really really late so hes walking really fast and the baby tomatoe is having a hard time keeping up. so the baby tomatoe looks at the daddy tomatoe and says dad can we please take a break and the daddy tomatoe says no and walks even faster. the baby tomatoe falls behind so the daddy tomatoe turns around and smashes the baby tomatoe with his foot and say catch up!


hahhahahahah i love this joke....you should too!

Answer 10

"Best joke." Now where's my 10 points?

Answer 11

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.