My m-i-l always invites the family over & we can only use so many excuses before we run out of them & HAVE to go. She guilted my hubby into coming over last week & I had to vacuum the floor because it was covered in debris (hay, dirt etc). Her kitchen is nasty: piles of dirt & onion skins all over, a 30 gallon trash can that's ALWAYS full, counter covered in dirty dishes & eggshells. She has pets so there is hair all over & chickens outside that she lets roam free (if they come inside she thinks it's cute). Who knows when the bathroom was cleaned last. I've never seen the master bath, but my hubby says that she uses the shower to store potatoes & there's a huge pile of rotting onions on the floor. Summer is even worse because of flys and gnats. I know it's HER house & her choice to live that way, but it's gross. We HATE going there but always get guilt tripped into it. (My b-i-l & his wife feel the same) How do we nicely tell her that we aren't going there until she cleans her house??
2006-06-06 10:03:49 · 17 answers · asked by amylynn25 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
She's in her early 50s and in fine health. She works 40 hrs/week, and lives by herself. My husband isn't insulted by how I feel about her house, he feels the exact same way and he's the one who does most of the complaining about it (he grew up in an immaculate house w/ his dad and step mom). But he's also a good man and really doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and she's ultra-sensitive!
2006-06-06 10:17:10 · update #1
Yeah, I have a friend who lives similarly. I would just keep making up excuses, since it's your MIL, you know? If it was just a friend, I just wouldn't come. Ironically, she always wants us to come over to their pig sty and bring my precious baby over there. Yeah, right. I'm too scared my poor child will catch a staph infection on her feet if she stands on the floor in socked feet. It's that nasty. I wouldn't even offer to help her clean it, I mean, did you help junk it up? Exactly. Not your problem. Have them come to YOU.
2006-06-06 10:09:30 · answer #1 · answered by Tiki 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well first I think it's your husband's place to do it! I'm a firm believer in the theory that blood children should address touchy issues with the in-laws.
He could start out by asking her if she's feeling overwhelmed (as people get older it gets harder to do the basics, like cleaning - my grandmother, who passed recently, had always been a clean freak, but it got to the point I'd have to clean her toilet before I'd even sit on it). If she says that she is, would you guys be willing to spend a little time to get the place ship-shape - might take a weekend, but get it *clean*. Then maybe everyone can chip in to hire someone to come in once a week and do some cleaning? If she says she's *not* overwhelmed, your DH needs to tell her that it's uncomfortable to come over for the very reasons you listed above.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this (but it really should be your DH that talks to her - Moms can always be forgiving for the most part of things their kids say, but when a DIL says something like, "your house is dirty," LOL, it's much harder for them to forgive!) Good luck
2006-06-06 17:09:57 · answer #2 · answered by tagi_65 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe try pampering her by giving her a day at the spa while you gals go in and scrub the place spotless for her. I know it's disgusting and you may feel she should do it as it is her responsibility, but you never know what the outcome may be. Keeping a clean house clean is much simpler than cleaning up a pig sty, so maybe she's just a major procrastinator, and may find that once it's clean, it's easier to keep that way. That makes it easier for you to visit, and may build stronger bonds along the way.
Just a suggestion. Good luck!
2006-06-06 18:01:37 · answer #3 · answered by hayaa_bi_taqwa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't tell your mother in law her house is filthy unless you want war for the rest of your life...be smart and develop severe allergies to what ever kind of animal(s) she has...the next time you go...rub your eyes until they are red...sneeze...whatever you have to do to show how horrible you feel there. Get a migraine and ask your husband to take you home...by the way...be careful about what you say to your husband...he may agree that her house is nasty...and may agree to help with your "allergy problem" but that doesn't mean he likes you talking about his mother...it may hurt his feelings or embarrass him. Any way, once you have had your attack...call your mother in law a few days later and tell her your doctor said you are allergic to the dander or what ever. The next time she invites you over, have your husband talk to her and tell her just how bad your allergies have become...he can offer to visit her alone and help her decontaminate the furniture, carpet, ext. If she likes you at all she will try to do upkeep to keep you comfortable and able to visit...yes lying is wrong as is deception, but do you really want to insult your husband's mother? She will make him miserable with guilt and he will blame himself...and you.
2006-06-06 17:12:15 · answer #4 · answered by tams 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pretend that you have this friend that has a filthy house and tell her how you hate going over there and she needs to clean up her house and that you can't understand how she can invite someone over to that nasty house maybe she will get the hint if not just tell her that her house is nasty and you don't feel comfortable being over there
2006-06-06 17:09:38 · answer #5 · answered by toosexy4thisshit 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is no nice way of saying "hey man i'm not going over there anymore cause you are a filthy person" there are no words in the english dictionary that will make that nicer. the only thing you can say to her is that the smell of her house and her lifestyle is fine by ya'll but that you refuse to smell her house anymore. and then right when you are finished saying all that then you can invite her over to her house and show her the difference. show her the errors of her ways and the benefits of being clean. cleanliness is next to godliness.
2006-06-06 17:08:42 · answer #6 · answered by oaklandolee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could make a joke about it, like "Damn mom, it's a wonder you can walk in here" (or something funnier than I could come up with) and maybe offer to help her start cleaning up. If she invites you guys over could you say you have allergies to hay, onions, and/or dust, maybe she'd get the hint? Invite her over to you guys' place. Make your husband tell his mother that she is living like a pig, sons can get away with that more than daughter in laws can.
2006-06-06 17:07:58 · answer #7 · answered by sgrjackson1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure this is just a lifestyle choice and not the beginnings of a bigger problem? I mean using your shower to store potatoes is simply not normal. This could be one of the beginning sign of Alzheimer's disease or some form of senility or dementia. Has she always been this way?
2006-06-06 17:17:40 · answer #8 · answered by kitcat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
non saliently call her up before one of these gatherings, and ask her if she would like you to come over and help clean up a little bit because you, or someone else has developed an allergy to crust.....you don't gotta put it that way.....but sometimes a subtle hint will do way more than you think!
2006-06-06 17:08:46 · answer #9 · answered by whoanelly00 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have the same problem with a friend of mine....i have never said anything to her either, buti think she knows. she always just comes to my house now. but i know what you mean and i don't know how people can live like that. my advice invite your friend over before he or she has a chance to invite you!
2006-06-06 17:06:46 · answer #10 · answered by grateful6979 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋