relationship let down...help plz?

Question

i met a guy about 7 yrs ago and after about 6 months of us meeting he asked me out..at that time i said no because his ex-wife was still around lots they do have children together so i understood. about 2 yrs ago we started dating and like every relationship we have our ups and downs..recently his ex called me to let me know that on their anniversary he called her to say happy anniversary to her and asked her not to tell me cause i would be mad..i did confront him with it and his response was that he did not know why he did it..i asked him if he still loved her and he said no ii also asked if he wanted to be with her and he said no..the other things that i am aware of is that he will go to her house on occasions to see the children so he says and will go into her home and make himself at home but if i am with him he will pretend like he can't stand her..my question is "should i drop him" or should i quit looking into things too far.maybe it is innocent.his sis says theres nothin there

i sure appreciate all the answers so far. let me add that the children involved here are 16 and 18..and until 2 years ago he was still sleeping with his ex saying that it's a man thing they have to get it somewhere.when he does go to his exs house it is after work or on a day off and i have no idea where he is until one of his kids calls asking if i miss thier dad.i know the kids want the parents back together and that is all good. i still trusted this man after the visits happened and until a couple days ago things were cool. her called changed everything.i still love him but i do not know if i can or should trust him.especially where she is involved.i don't think i am jealous at all i understand the relationship with his kids. we do very little together and i find he treats our home like a bed and breakfast motel. we do not have sex cause i am not sure that he is not sleeping with her still and i have told him that.maybe i need to move on with my life. thanx all..

the home of hers that he is making himself at home in is not the family home...they both moved to different houses. she is also in a relationship with another man and would never tell him about her ex calling her cause the new boyfriend would leave. also they have been apart for 18 years now..IS THERE STILL AN ANNIVERSARY THERE?? i do believe she is causing some problems with me and her ex but it is not all her fault. i have not heard anything about where any kind of blame comes onto my man. maybe there is none..am i blonde and naive?

Answer 1

trust the power of the sis. But if the trust is not there. Move on. And find somebody you can trust.

Answer 2

well to the first part of your question I would say your reading too much into it. My dad and mom have been divorced since 85 and my dad will some times still call her on their anniversary and my dad's gay. So I would've said try not to read into it too much, but after reading the second part. I don't know I think you should move on. If he's treating your home as a B&B then theirs no point. You haven't had sex cuz you can't trust him then that's a big problem. How can you been with some one you can't trust and will all ways have questions. It's not like you can tell him that you don't want him over there. I think his sis will say any thing to protect her brother, she doesn't want him going back to her when you confront him. I think you should just let him go and figure out what he wants. I have a feeling if you do do that he'll run right back to her cuz as he said to you where else is he going to get it!

Answer 3

This "man" has not let go of the past so how can he possibly go on to a future with you... Let him know that you care and want a relationship with him but that he is going to seriously have to break off with the ex,, maybe some counseling wouldn't hurt either. I understand he needs and wants to see his children, but this is not good for them either, he is playing here with their lives also... they are going to be so confused by his actions, they will always think mom and dad will get back together from the way he acts and when they don't it is the kids that will suffer the most... Tell him to get on with his life once and for all and if he wants you in his life then she is out of his life, except where the kids are concerned...no more calling on their anniversary etc... Sure he is going to remember those things, heck I have been divorced over 20 yrs and still remember my exes birthday and stuff, but I sure don't call him, though now that I think about it that sure would piss off his wife of now, my ex best friend.... hmmm I won't but it was fun to think of for a second...

Answer 4

when a person has kids from another relationship, there's always gonna be baggage. actually, anyone who ever was in a long term relationship has baggage... but that is the past. what was and what is are two separate things. you cannot fault him for having a life before you, just as I'm sure you did as well. and you do not know why he called her... maybe he was being a smart a$$, maybe it was just a gesture of good will,as they have children together and are always gonna be in each others' lives, so why make it horrible when pleasant is a lot less stressful; maybe he was nostalgic for a moment, who knows? my husband's ex wife pulled that kinda stuff (calling, etc.,) for a couple years, here and there, the happy birthdays, merry Christmas, etc.,and that is a hard pill to swallow at times, i can relate.. but I'll tell ya, and this is truth- those witches do it to get under your skin and pick away at any stability and whatever confidence you are trying to build and maintain in your relationship. i repeat YOUR RELATIONSHIP. it's not hers anymore, and you are a woman, so I'm sure you are aware just how catty, vicious and possessive we are.... he\\, we get pissed off if we are out and another woman across the room has the same shoes. same same..the shoes might pinch your toes and blister up your feet, but let some other chick be wearing the same ones, and how dare she, that B%@(* !!
we might hate the frigging shoes, but sure as he!! no other chick better have them... same with all of our possessions. and at that point, that's what they become, our possessions. now, all this making himself at home- was it their home, and he moved, or did she? regardless, there is a familiarity that allows him to feel more at home, because, again, the past they shared that you were not a part of; so he makes himself more at home without you because you weren't a part of the past he knows with her.. that does not make your relationship any less valid, i promise you, just different- and more importantly, current. if he wanted to be with her, I'm sure he would still be with her; never underestimate a persons ability to change in order to get what they want... he does not want her, or he would be with her, and his kids. he has many possible angles to try and work to get a foot back in the door( hell, i know this girl that is with her 1st husband for the 2nd or 3rd time around, and this is AFTER he held a shotgun in her face and pulled the trigger.. she just had a baby with him. go figure.)long story long, quit looking so far into things, but do not walk around blind and dumb to the world.. it sounds pretty straight forward from where i stand; put faith in your relationship and trust in your man; give them both the amount you can and 13% more. if not, you are yourself creating a springboard for disaster(:

Answer 5

After reading your last extra I just wanted to say I think its time you should really think about what it is you want in life. Do you want a man to treat you like a treasure or some extra baggage. From what you have written your man is not right. He obviously knows that it bothers you but yet he doesnt do anything different to change it.
It kind of sounds like your boyfriends x really isnt interested all that much in him but he is in her. SInce she has a new boyfriend that might explain why he is spending so much more time over there because he is jealous. I am sure he loves you and everything but will always have to share him with her.
There are a million men out there that would be happy to dedicate all the free time to you. You shouldnt have to share him with his x . Only you can decide what is best for you . and what you want and feel you deserve in life.

Answer 6

Its very hard to tell- I mean, the guy should definately be seeing his kids, and its good for the kids if he and their mother can maintain a friendly relationship. I would say that you should just try to be around when he goes to see the kids as much as possible. I guess you dont need to worry too much, since the ex wife called you and told you that he just called her about the anniversary thing, I guess if he tried something more serious, she'd definately be letting you know, which is a good thing. So no, I dont see why you would need to dump him, other than you have been dating for so long and arent getting married yet, but thats another conversation altogether ;)

Answer 7

Well, It sounds to me if there is nothing there then he would not be calling her wishing her happy anniversary. He may not like her, but he is holding on to something. I'm remarried. No children in the first marriage, but it was hard enough getting over it. I can only imagine how hard it is with children involved. When you have a child with someone your connected to them forever. That person will always be a part of his life. If you love him than just be patient. I'm not saying let him see her romantically, but maybe suggest some counseling. So he can let go of the past and totally move on.

Answer 8

A woman's intuition is a very powerfu thing. The sad part is that women try to fight their intuition to save their relationships. I am not saying that you shouldn't try to save your relationship, but I am saying that you shouldn't ignore the obvious signs. He is not telling you the whole truth. He says he doesn't know why he called his ex-wife, but he does know, he just doesn't want to tell you. Your suspisions should not go unresolved. Trust and honesty are the most important parts of any relationship. You should deal with the issue now because once the trust and honesty are gone, the relationship is too.

Answer 9

My opinion is that you just believe him. If you are truly in love than nothing should stop you from believing him. About the visitation, he wants to see the kids, so that makes sense. The at home thing is kinda normal. He doesn't want you to think the wrong things so he acts like he can't stand her. He's just trying to protect you.

Answer 10

I am SURE he loves her still. Anyone who had a relationship with someone, and children for that matter will still have feelings for that person. That fact if the matter is he is with YOU!! He must really care about you, or else he would not be withyou. Tell his ex to stop with the drama, and save it for her MAMA!!! Sounds like she is jealous.,and trying to add fuel to the fire. Stay with this guy if you want. If your having doubts then hit the road. The discission is YOURS sweety.

Answer 11

He's trying to please both u and her. u by pretending not to like her so you'll feel more secure about their relationship and her by showing her that they can still be friends. i think ur not looking into the big picture here. with the info u gave it seems to be innocent. he's just trying to create some harmony in his life but if he sees that ur not trusting then he's gonna end up dropping u.
i'd give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him...