I was protecting them!?

Question

Six years ago, my husband committed suiside, my kids were 11 and 7 years old. He rammed his car into an oncoming truck and yes there were witnesses. My kids still think it was an accident and put him on a pedistal. How do I tell them the truth now. I feel I need too, he was selfish and left us to fend for ourselves and I have suffered since then to try and provide for them. Should I tell them so they get the picture I can;t always provide maybe then they will understand why I can't always afford nice things for them. He did not believe in policies, he only had one and because it was self infliction they did not pay the whole policy. I don't know what I should do!!!!!!

Answer 1

First of all, I'm sorry about your loss. It must be hard to deal with it.

I think that first and foremost you need to deal with your feelings towards what happened. You're still angry over what happened, after all those years, and that's not good. You need to deal with your feelings, even with professional help, so that you can move on and not let this be in the way in your life.

You said your husband was selfish for committing suicide. I don't agree. Suicidal people are depressed and the depression effects the way they think. There's not enough "happy chemicals" in their brain, so they feel miserable and suffer a lot and desperately look for ways to end the pain. Unfortunately they often see suicide as the only way. They don't do it out of selfishness or because of lack of care for their close ones. They do it in desparation when they can't handle the pain anymore and think they're doing everyone a favor by just killing themselves. To put is simply: it's the illness that kills them. The illness effects the brain and the patient's thoughts and makes them suicidal, insane.

I don't think you should tell your children the truth, not right now anyway. Don't ruin their memory/opinion of their father because of your anger towards him. It would only create more issues. The children might blame themselves or think they're father didn't love them. I think they're too young to understand, at least the younger one. Maybe one day when they're older you could tell them the truth, explaining it to them carefully without being upset yourself at the time. If you do tell them the truth, I think it's important that you explain to them that you lied to them for all those years to protect them while they were still too young to understand it, but that now that they're a bit older you wanted them to know the truth.

I don't think you should tell them the truth for the sake of explaining your financial situation. I think it's better to keep the way their father died out of that. Just explain to them that it's hard to get money on your own and that you only have a certain amount of money each time and that that's why you can't always afford to buy them nice things, even though you would want to. Paying the bills, buying food and other necessities for the family is a priority.

Answer 2

Your husband taking he's own life has nothing to do with you not being able to afford the best things your children want. Your husband must have been dealing with some serious problems for him to have done that. I don't see why you should tell your children "the truth". Let them live with the memories they have of their father!! "The truth" of their fathers passing will come out when the time is right. It sounds like you are bitter about this whole situation, which you have all the right to be upset about but at the same time you have your kids to think about and raise. You are the one who is here with them so make the best of it. Kids have a hard time understand that you are single and you are able to provide what they need and at times you are not able to provide them with the extras, what they want. They don't know the difference between the two. Maybe that is what you need to sit them and talk to them about. Maybe you should look into getting some help an support group for not only a person who has suffered a loss but a single parent support group.

Answer 3

Wow - my heart goes out to you. How about you going to see a counselor about this first (or even a school counselor) or something. It's hard losing anyone. Losing someone to suicide is harder and the kids are going to have a rough time with it. The counselor could tell you what you can do (grief counseling-groups -- I am sure there are suicide groups too to help people cope). I know where I live you can see a counselor for free as my son lost a friend to suicide and then another in a car accident a week later and it devestated him. The counseling helped him quite a bit. This is a very SERIOUS subject and I think you are going to need some professional help with it. Best of luck to you and your family. My husband is still alive and we don't have any money either and I've even had to rely on help from my son for groceries and all so I know how hard that is. You're stress level is probably extremely high right now. Please see a counselor for you first and then take the kids!!

Answer 4

First of all, you should have never withheld the truth from your children. Him dying was painful enough, but now they will have to suffer through an entire different set of emotions after six years. They will probably also feel betrayed by the fact that you lied. No good ever comes from lying even if your excuse is to "protect" someone. Honesty is often painful but it's always the best policy.

You definately should tell them because it's their right to know the truth. You simply need to call a family meeting and sit down with them and explain everything. I'm sure they will understand and they will have to come to grips with reality.

I hope you have learned a lesson from all of this and never lie to protect anyone including children. It's better to go through the pain all at once, rather than to have to open old wounds while creating new ones later on.

Answer 5

I would wait until they are older and can understand the motives behind suicide. Yes, it is selfish, but people who are clinically depressed sometimes don't have total control over those emotions. Also, I understand he left you in a difficult position, but you sound as though you're still very angry ~ and you have every right to be. It's part of the grieving process and it takes time. You're dealing with the death of your husband as well as his choice to abandon you and the kids. But it's not fair to make them feel angry toward their father because of his illness. They're still very young, and they need to remember their father in a good way. When they're older and can understand things like depression, tell them the truth. Maybe by then you will have worked out some of your feelings as well. It might help all of you to talk to a family therapist or your pastor about how to address the subject.

Answer 6

Why do you feel the need to hurt your children now? Will you be the "hero" to them if you say his death was suicide, after 6 years of being quiet? Probably not, they will question your honesty about everything else that happened over the last six years. This will not vilify you, if you're angry that they revere his memory, too bad. Make time for them. Do things with them that don't cost much money. You can plan for the future, and get low cost policies as you can afford them. Explain to the children that "we never know how long we have-" The only one you will help by spilling the beans now, is you, but only for that first short burst. Is it worth hurting your kids, and losing their trust? Don't do it.

Answer 7

I would let the children continue to believe what you told them. If you change the story now they will not trust you and will be angry that you didn't tell them the truth from the beginning. You sound very bitter for the circumstances he left you in. He sounds like he was a very selfish man and a coward. You can and are better than him. It is not worth the pain and permanent scarring to the children to tell them know. It will increase their chance of committing suicide by 4X. You lost your husband and you do not want to loose your sons. For the sake of your son's please don't tell them the truth. If the memory of your husband brings back such bad memories make an effort not to talk about him and if the boys do answer their questions and go on.

Answer 8

I think it would be better to wait until they get a little older and will understand it better.

And I think that before you tell them, you need to understand suicide better yourself. Suicide is not selfishness, it's a consequence of a very serious mental illness. When people are suicidal it's because the chemicals in their brain are out of proportion and it effects the way the person thinks and feels. They become depressed. A depressed person feels horrible and can't think clearly, all their brain lets them do is to think of ways to end the pain and misery, and a suicidal person sees just one way out of it - suicide. Their thoughts are so messed up that they might even think that they're good for nothing and that everyone will be better off without them. They're not being selfish, they're just very ill, completely out of their mind.

I suggest you read something about depression to understand it a bit better. I think that might help you deal with your husband's suicide better and be better capable of explaining it to your children one day when you think the time is right.

For now I'd settle with explaining to them that you can't always buy them nice things because you don't have much money, you only get a certain amount of money per month that you need to use to buy food, pay the bills and so on.

Answer 9

They are going to find out some day and it's better the truth comes from you. Maybe not right now but sometime in the future. Be gentle and kind with the truth knowing this will be the first time they will have had this new information. They will need to grieve again. Children grieve over and over anyway with going through the different stages of their lives.

Answer 10

It seems like you are angry at the dead guy. Maybe you should try not to focus your thoughts on him. 11 and 7 are too young to understand. If you must say something because they may figure it out from somebody else, you can say something like, not everybody is perfect, nobody could figure out what really happened at the accident, he was not very smart to drive onto the incoming traffic, people sometimes do very stupid things when they are depressed/angry, I'm sure he didn't mean to harm you or me, the insurance company didn't want to pay a lot of money to us because he could have avoided the accident, etc. Do not say it was a suicide. Just give them an idea there is a cloud of doubt. At the end, they may figure it out.