Anybody know a really funny joke?

Question

Care to share the love?

Answer 1

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 2

Chuck Norris.

Answer 3

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Answer 4

The Teletubbies are a big joke. Especialy that Tinky Winky freak. Ohhh...I hate the name.

Answer 5

Ok. Well this is a kinda a dumb blonde joke...but here it goes. There was this blonde cheerleader and every where she touched on her body it hurt. She touched her head, her nose, her lip, her stomach, her hair, everywhere it hurt so she went to the doctor and said get me fixed doc I have serious problems and he goes what's wrong and she said everywhere I touch it hurts............. Come to find out her finger was broke.

Answer 6

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel balls? SPARKY
What do you call a guy in a mailbox? BILL
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in ur front door? MATT
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on top of a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging from a tree? BERRY

Answer 7

After 50+ years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the old man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly, "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Answer 8

I got a couple.

Story One (least funny, but still pretty hilarious)

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"


Story 2 (Great Dumb Blonde joke)




bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at
a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their
voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks
over to the table. sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up
jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives,
all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"



Story 3(Read this one a couple of times, it is pretty funny)


Judi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Judi -- the Blonde."

Judi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. (Duh).

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Judi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"







Story 4 ( It didnt seem funny at first, but when I kept thinking about it, I was rolling on the floor laughing!!! You may think it is kinda corny, but u will be loling!!!)



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.