Can anyone criticize my very short story for me? Please and thank you!?

Question

As memories crept up on her, tears came trickling down her cheeks. They formed a pool in the hollows of her eyes before splashing onto the photograph below. The photograph was of her and her beloved ex-boyfriend, who left her at the height of their relationship for a reason she did not know.

With the last tear slowly seeping down, she whispered to herself, “I can’t do this anymore.” The sorrow girl now realized what she hadn't known before; he had been utterly deceitful with her, saying she was beautiful; the best thing that could have ever happened to him; that she was the only person he wanted to be with the rest of his life. And she fell for those convincing lies.

She tugged on her hair, sniffling, as she grabbed his last letter. She heard the buzz of an engine driving down the street that sounded like his car. Was that him? Could that be him checking on her? How could he not miss her as much as she missed him? All the memories left behind made her do nothing but weep. They had been through so much together, and he had to leave it all behind for nothing.

Recalling the incredible sensation he had made her feel-that she was something for once in her life--his parting made her deem that she will never love again. He was the one for her, and she told him that. But he never understood how much she loved him and what she would do for him. He never thought that she loved him as hard as she did. And now that she is trying to forget the memories of them, he will never know that she felt the same for him that he felt for her.

The real reason why he broke up with her is because he was too afraid. He was too afraid to be rejected by the one he loved the most. But she never knew that he felt this way towards her, but she will never know this, because he will always be afraid to tell the love of his life the feelings that he has for her, and by the time he's able to tell her his feelings, she'll be over him.

Answer 1

SHOW don't tell. Instead of telling: "saying she was beautiful; the best thing that could have ever happened to him" show how the boyfriend did this, with the way he touched, the way he talked, the way he looked. Make it more active, more alive

Answer 2

Always keep your story in the active voice. You can set your computer so that it will let you know if you use a passive sentence.

Answer 3

although a lot of your discriptions are good, the scene itself bored my terribly.
I'm sorry!
We've all had the broken heart love scene, what makes each one fresh is the little twists that make it different.

I'm thinking you should've shared memmories they had together, something to keep the reader interested.

other than the story the writing was good.

good luck and happy new year!

Answer 4

What you've written is not a short story, but a scene -- in other words a "snapshot" of a certain moment in the life of a character.What's good about it is that it establishes the character's motives for what she might do next. That is, she's heartbroken, feeling dumped so what might she do next -- take revenge on the SOB; go out and find a replacement; or _____ (you tell us)?
This is something like the original "Lethal Weapon" movie with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. The movie opens with a scene of Gibson crying over his dead wife, and establishing the fact that he's just as soon die as live. So his "solution" is to take on a dangerous case and pursue it with suicidal tactics -- while dragging Danny Glover along for the ride. See what I mean? As a writer, you want to invent juicy characters. As a reader, we want to know "what happens next?"

So have he DO something next -- something we'd love to know about.

Answer 5

"As memories crept up on her, tears came trickling down her cheeks. They formed a pool in the hollows of her eyes before splashing onto the photograph below. "

Although using words like 'as" to begin your sentances is always a good idea once in a while, and can make your writing 10x better, be careful when and where you do it. The way these two sentances are worded gives it a kind of "And then we did this" feel.

The straightforwardness of the entire peice isn't very appealing to me, although this is where personal taste comes in as well. Try to play with her emotions rather than outwardly stating what happened between them. Lure the reader in so that they're asking 'What happened to make her feel this way?" And slowly reveal it to them.

"The Sorrow girl" I assume this is a typo, try something like "Tearful"

Good writing all together, though. ^^ Your conventions are great- try to let your pen (er..keyboard?) Speak from your heart rather than trying to make it sound perfect.