Ladies....why does this mean he doesn't love you?

Question

I'm wondering why so many women believe that if they don't get engaged by a certain time, their partner does not truly love them. Why is it that, if your partner says that he's not ready for marriage, you believe that he doesn't love you or is holding out for something better.

I have always thought of marriage as something to be done when both partners are wholly and entirely ready. Considering the current divorce rates, I find it admirable when a man can be honest about being scared, rather than rush into engagement to satisfy the woman's desire for commitment.

Am I the only one who thinks this way?

Answer 1

I think it means different things to different people.

I can only speak for myself. When I was younger, I was in the mindset of either we get engaged or move on. I had a great BF after college and we had a great relationship. After 3 years, I was ready to get engaged and plan the next phase of our lives. He wasn't. I said, either we move forward or we end it. He wasn't ready and so I ended it. He then proposed less than a month later. I said no and that was the end of our relationship. I didn't want him to marry me out of fear or because I broke up with him. I wanted it when things were good, because they were good...
I don't regret it either.

I've been married since and divorced.

I'm with my current man for over 6.5 years. We got engaged a year and a half ago. He's the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. We aren't that concerned about getting married (we are both divorced) but we will eventually figure out a nice cermony that will please both sides of our families.

We both knew we were going to be together and I always knew he would eventually ask me. He was waiting for the timing to be right and he also wanted to save up and buy me a great ring.

It took a long time but it was worth the wait. My ring is amazing and he proposed to me while we were in California on vacation. It was wildly romantic and I'd wait another 4.5 years to marry him.

KNOWING you are with the person you are meant to be with is worth more than a ring or any ceremony. He and I talk about this and are in agreement.

I think the only time you have problems is when you aren't in sync. We always have been. I know he's my soul mate and I'm his. I've always known that. Getting married doesn't change it.

But as I said, I'm older now and my perspective changed a lot. I wasn't always confident or patient. =) Now I'm both. I'm also with the person I will be until we both die. We both know this. THAT changes everything.

Answer 2

I FEEL YOU GIRL CUZ AINT NOTHIN WORSE THAN BEING STUCK INA A BOND YOU DONT WANNA BE IN.

Answer 3

I lived this. My boyfriend would always tell his family when they asked "I'm never getting married". It secretly hurt me but I never said a word. I knew he loved me by the way he treated me. We lived together then eventually he asked me to marry him. It was never my idea. It was a total surprise. We've been married 14 years! I also waited until he said I love you first. I didn't want to scare him off. I did this because of mistakes from a past relationship.

Answer 4

I agree with you. My husband wasn't sure about marriage when I got pregnant, but he proposed any way. I turned him down saying that yes we loved each other but I wanted to wait until we were ready, even if that isn't until after our son was born or not at all. I had been divorced once after getting married when I had only known the guy for 9 monthes, I didn't want to go down that road again! So he proposed again 2 weeks after my son was born and it was right. We did what was right for us.

As far as women who think that a man doesn't love her if he doesn't propose, I think she needs to look inside and see if she loves herself or is she only worth something with someone elses love?

Answer 5

It depends upon what the reason is. If it's just a "I'm not ready" that's a BS reason (IMO). Another BS reason would be "I'm waiting for my divorce to be finalized" (oooooo bad sign)

If a partner is unable to even *commit* to marrying (engagement ring) after about 2 years, IMO it's time to tell them you "want to date others."

ADD:

Invisigoth is right on target: it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he doesn't want to marry you.

Answer 6

I think it is ok to wait but it depends on the person. I just do not understand why people do everything that married people do but never get married if marriage is an option to one partner. If someone wants to get married to the person they love they should not be engaged for 10 years though.

Answer 7

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he doesn't want to marry you.

It depends on your age, but when you want to have children, until medical science or evolution *guarantees* differently, then women are on a set time schedule for their fertility.

By the time you are a fully functioning adult, you already know how you feel about marriage. You know if you want to get married or not. You know if you want children or not. 3 years of dating only 1 person is enough to know if you want to marry that person.

If you love the person you want to marry but they aren't sure they want to marry, then you need to decide what is more important to you. Do you want to marry and have children or do you want the one you want. If the answer is marriage, then this person is not for you even though you love them. If the answer is them, then wait and risk the chance that you have to go through expensive fertility treatments or not having children at all when they finally decide that they want to marry and have children with you.

Answer 8

the older i get the more experience i gain...i agree with you 100% ......now...15 years ago...ooooppps..trial and error

Answer 9

No you are not. I waited 6.5 years before saying yes to my husbands proposal. No one should rush into marriage and I congratulate your man on his honesty and maturity.

Answer 10

i see both sides. I am on the other side of your comment right now. And its very hard. Because to my boyfriend, engagement, changes nothing to him. We live together, we have joint accounts. we have lived together for over a year. I do all the laundry and the cleaning. and i have had the wedding date picked out (its significant to our relationship, we picked it together) and we have talked about wanting that together. (the date is in 2010, so we would not be rushing into marriage) So in my spot, it changes a social status to him. I dont ask for any extra effort on his behalf. or that anything changes. I would just like for there to be more of a commitment. And i am frustrated because i am not sure why there isnt, after everything between us. Its not like we dont have the same account, or we dont live together. Thats where i come from. If we didnt have all we already do, then i would probably move on if he didnt ask when i was ready.

But to not live together, and to not have joint accounts, and everything else pretty much a married or engaged couple has. I wouldnt push the issue. If you two arent "bonding" the way you feel each of you should be. Then maybe its for the best that things see a different path. Both mine and his parents got married after a year of being together. is mother was 17 when she was married, mine was 28 (her second marriage, her first husband passed due to cancer RIP) and both of their marriages still last. and very strong. People that have never lived together, or done anything big as a joint couple, they honestly shouldnt be engaged. Thats where the divorce comes from. People who have no clue if they are even capatible to live with each other get married. and that might be the old fashioned way. but the old fashioned way is also stay married. So in my opinon if you live together, and you work and you are just as much as in love with each other as the first day then you should be married, because the world needs more people like that. If you are not living together, or anything else, wait, live together... give that a while to subside before making the life altering decision.