Should I get a divorce?

Question

My wife and I have been married three years; been together for 9 years. We fight everyday. She is overly controlling. She is bipolar. I love her when she is in a good mood, but I feel I can certainly live without her. I am unhappy and do not see myself with her for the rest of my life. We are very very different people.

I HATE arguing but she always seems to drag me into one.

And thankfully, we have no kids. I grew up in a home with lots of arguing and violence and if my kids end up in a household like that, it will break my heart.

It seems I have answered my own question, but I would appreciate input and advice.

Thanks.

More details:

We have no house or many assets. She can have it all. I just want my clothes and laptop.

We do not have sex often.

She does not clean or cook. Not that its a women's job, but we should both do it. She cooks once in a while, but she is terrible.

She is lazy. When not working she does nothing. No hobbies, no interests.

We are very different. I love to read and am very inquisitive, whereas she probably doesn't even know who our Senators are.

We are both still young and good looking. We are both in our early thirties. Have been together since college.

Another issue is we live in New York which is *** backwards. We have to live apart for a year before we can get an official divorce.

I am a realist. I understand most people cannot change. She is not the type of person who can. In face she has changed little.

However, she certainly needs some help.

More info:

She is bolemic. Throws up everyday. When i try to discuss it, it becomes a big argument and I am the bad guy. Then she blames the bolemia on our financial situation (not having house etc.)

I tell her that things will never be perfect. That is life. You always thinks it will be perfect one day, but thats not how it works. You need to enjoy life for what it is.

The final straw:

Yesterday I went and saw the new Tom Hank's movie with my father. My wife figured out there was nudity in it and she flipped out. I am totally serious. She has major problems. Any she sends me nasty texts and when I get home I see my books in my study all over the floor. Literally a hundred books covering the floor.

I stayed calm, asked if she wanted to apologize. She laughed and told me I am a pig etc. Then this morning I was hoping she would be normal, but she was not. Told me that maybe I should hang out with my father tonight and go to a strip club.

Thank god for this site because this situation is embarrassing.

But this is the type of person she is.

She can be very funny and sweet, but it is so not worth it.

Answer 1

I hate arguing too. Is she taking medication for the bi-polar?

It seems simple enough to just say get a divorce because you have no kids. I think though that you must remember that you are affecting 2 lives by your decision.

If I have invested this much time into a relationship I think I would first talk to her(on a good day) suggest that the two of you meet with her Doctor to explain the personality swings. Maybe her medication can be altered.

So based on your updated info I would encourage you to get a divorce. Not because she is crazy and irrational but because YOU do not love her.

Answer 2

Like you said, you answered your own question. In the long run you'll probably both be much happier. Counseling is always a good option but in this case is sounds like there are some feelings that are lost, which no amount of mediation will bring back.

Answer 3

It all depends on whether or not you believe in divorce. See for me, the only reasons for divorce are: infidelity or abuse. Otherwise, working it out is so much more rewarding.

So she's bipolar, does she see a psychiatrist? If she doesn't, help her get one and make her take her meds. So you argue. We ALL do. I've been married 1 year and six months and argue with my husband daily. It's gotten really ugly sometimes too, and we've threatened each other with divorce. It's a horrible threat though - like saying, well I just give up.

Unhappiness is a feeling and as such will not last forever. As far as loving her when she is in a *good mood*, I find this statement contrary to the concept of marriage. Remember, *for better or worse*? It is not normal to always be in a good mood. Normal is to change - not wildly like in bipolar - but to have good moments and not so good moments.

I noticed you said that you are very different people. Well that's a GOOD thing because it makes the marriage interesting. How boring to be married to someone just like you. I think what you want is some peace and quiet. So go get it by yourself by visiting some friends, or the library or the coffee shop. But remember that you married your wife because at some point you DID love her and being with her made you happy. Try to figure out what happened and observe your interactions more objectively to see if what you say/think/do may in fact be triggering fights too.

Believe me it takes two to tango.

Lastly, your wife deserves your support if she is sick. Bipolar disorder is a serious mental illness that requires psychiatric care, medication, follow up and talk therapy. At the very least, help her to get the help she needs.

If you feel really enraged about this, watch the movie A Beautiful Mind to get in touch with your empathic side.

Good luck =)

Answer 4

You want out so don't waste anymore of your life being unhappy. Choose better next time.

Answer 5

Thiers one very good thing here, & thats the fact that you have not built a family with this woman! Thank god for that. Now if you claimed you had children I would have begged you to make it work for the sake of the kids, but being that you two didnt have children is a blessing, with that said & done I recomend that you do some major soul-searching, your gonna need to dig way down deep into your mind & brain & think about why you married her in the first place? Dont make a fast hasty decision, as you dont ever want to look back & have any regrets. The reason I say to look back at the reasons why you married her is because if you do leave, many people start having regrets as they only begin to see the good in the person they left, they begin to weaken as time goes by & thier without the person they were with for so many years, so look at the whys, and good stuff now, rather then later, just get that out of the way, & if you still want to leave, then I recomend leaving, but keep in mind that once you sign divorce papers & walk out the door, its final, so do your homework, leave for the right reasons, if you really believe that theirs no future for the two of you then sit your wife down & explain it to her, but make sure you are really serious about leaving, as this is a very big step that can cause this already mentally un-stable woman to go overboard.

Answer 6

hello.. Mike.. you should get divoice..
if I were you.. I'll do the same. I want to be happy for rest of life without arguing.. lol
good luck!!

Answer 7

My mother is the same way - she seems to live to argue. Then two days later, claims (in all sincerity) she never did. It drove my father crazy for 50 years until he finally died.
He left when I was 16; I knew why and didn't blame him. She hounded him for several years to get back together, and against his better judgement, he did. He never said so, but I knew he always regretted it.
Just remember if you do go back, things are not going to be any better.

Answer 8

You said that she is bipolar and its obvious that she needs help. I have been married for six months and I have been with my husband nine years and we were on the brink of divorce for the same reasons. I think you both should go get her some help and also seek God as your refuge (or whoever you believe is your higher power). I believe you can work it out. You didn't marry your wife to divorce her. Be patient with her and you will get through it.

Answer 9

My wife is exactly like your wife and I have been married to her for 36 years. Think about it! A life a misery or happiness?

Answer 10

If you are not happy you should leave.