how do I accomplish this?

Question

My wife and I are having marriage problems, we will be going to marriage councling next week. We do fight all the time, about very trival stuff. Most of the time I don't remember what is about untill she brings the confrontation back up. I do love my wife, but I've read the other day about how couples fight over things that they are not mad about, and not getting to the heart of the problem. She wants to advoid fighting for a week, which sounds like a good idea, so that we can become friends again. One of my many problems is that I don't give enough positive renforcement to my wife. If I try now I'm afraid that she wouldn't take me seriously. My question is how do I accomplish this without sounding like a fake. I don't want to fool my wife I want to sinsear with this.

Answer 1

Sounds like the problem is not that you don't give her reinforcement, it's that you don't know how and she takes that as a personal insult because to women it should come naturally if a guy loves them, which for some guys it is hard because they truly do not know how.

I know some things women do love and that's finding a note from you hidden in something of theirs, such as a lunch bag they take to work or a bag, in their car. All a note has to say is something short and sweet like "Good morning! I love you". Nothing long and drawn out.

Doing something to help her out that she normally does around the house without her asking.

Think back to when you first met her and how you got her attention. What worked back then would still work and bring back memories of you first meeting because women never forget that stuff. A lot of times guys try the big stuff to impress when its little stuff that really get women going.

You don't have to go overboard but do show attention and show that you remember things she likes that she won't think you remember. Write it down if you have to but DON"T let her find where you've written it.

Answer 2

The main thing is to listen when she talks.When she's finished let her know how not serious the situation is and get past it.People have broken up over the stupidest things,and later down the road have regretted it.Because despite the fights they still love each other. All people have fights big or small.Talking calmly about issues and problems and trying to come to a solution is the best way.Specially over something small,solve it be done with it and the key is never bring it up again.The past is what it is and should stay just that.Good luck

Answer 3

Sincerely tell her all that fighting about trivial crap is getting on your nerves and is making you want to walk right out that door.

Answer 4

Talk to her and tell her that you love her. And you want to be with her forever. Tell her, too, that you are afraid you will come across as insincere and fake, but that you love her.
If you really want to compliment your wife, take things slowly. Look at her - tell her you like what she is wearing. But mean it. And I think you're right - bickering covers up the real problems underneath. I'm glad you're going for counselling - I hope it works.

Answer 5

she announced that she wanted to avoid fights. You announce to her that you would like to give positive reinforcements to each other. It will sound a bit forced at first, but it will come more naturally as you keep doing it. Comment on the things that you really do appreciate.

The counselor will have you do this, but you could get a head start on it if you like:

Each of you makes a list of the things you like about your spouse or things that your spouse does well that you appreciate.

When you are both willing to work on the marriage, then you have a real chance to save it.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Be humble. No, you don't want her to feel like you are being condesending at all, and since she is sensitive right now it may come across like that. Explain to her, honey, I'm learning as I go along, thank you for wanting to improve me, thank you for being willing to improve each other. I'll need patience, but I will do this for us, because I want to be the man to make you happy, and I need your help in doing so.

Answer 7

Am glad to hear that you are getting counseling... it may work if YOU are willing to put some effort into it. You made me laugh... you don't give her enough positive reinforcement to your wife? You think you might seem like a fake if you start now??? Geez louize!!! It sure sounds like you are setting yourself up for failure instead of making a sincere effort. You'd like to SOUND good... but I'm willing to bet you are as insincere as it's possible to be!

Marriage is about growing together and learning cooperation and compromise... it's not about YOU versus HER. You can only win in marriage as a couple. Start by listening to what she has to say without opening your mouth. Stop sulking. Good luck and Happy New Year to both of you.

Answer 8

Well first you cant start out scared about seeming fake. If you are sincere than you will seem sincere..if you say something positive and she barks back then stop her and make her understand that her reaction will not help better this relationship. Reassure her that you have realized you have not been the best at using positive reinforcement and this is why you are trying to fix it becasue you seriously feel that you lack it and want to work toward doing it. Have faith in your relationship, if you go into the process feeling negative about there is a good chance that your results will reflect the same.

Answer 9

You may want to step back from this situation from now until you see the marriage counselor. If she wants to avoid the arguments and the fights to so. You may want to write down how you feel about your fights so when you go and see the counselor, you can discuss how these fights occur. What kind of positive reinforcement, does your wife need? Complaining her, helping her around the house, tuning up the car or giving her a hug is good.
I hope the counseling helps you both.