We;ve been together for for almost 7 years. He has violated me in the worst way. Now he says he's changed and he shows it. He's going to church now, got baptized and it appears that he is working hard to start a new life. He says and shows me he loves me and I care about him but I refuse to be hurt by him again. Sometimes, I except his love and give him my love in return. Sometimes, I am mean and cruel because I refuse to be betrayed by him again. Our past haunts us. I've worked hard to forgive him. But trusting is the problem. When you allow yourself to get close to a person, that's when they can hurt you the most. I am scared of loving him, but yet I do. but when those past thoughts creep up and the thought of feeling betrayed again come to me again, I shut down.
I don't want to hurt him because I am hurt. I don't want to be cruel. But I can't help it.
I love him. But I don't want to. But yet I enjoy his presence.But yet I push him away.
Help. What do I do?
2007-12-30 17:28:15 · 20 answers · asked by just curious 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We have been seperated for 2 years. We've both attempted to get a divorce but never went through with it. I'm comfortable being with him as long as we're not to close together. The minute he try to spend the night over my house for more than a day, I shut down. My friend think I am crazy because we pay so much to live seperate lives but yet we're always together. I don't want him to go to church with me because it's a sign that we are trying to get back together, and I'm not ready for that.
2007-12-30 17:44:03 · update #1
I understand how past mistakes tend to make you a little jaded however if you really love your husband and are committed to your marriage then you need to find a way to get past these feelings. I think that you would benefit from some counseling both together and you individually. The thing to remember is that it is in the past and it sounds as if he is working on his end now it is time to work on yours . It is important that there is communication and trust and they are both skills that continually have to be worked on. One way or another you have to pee or get off the pot cause he is not going to stay and work on himself and your marriage if he keeps getting mixed signals from you. You need to figure out what it is that you really want and take the right steps to achieve what that is. Once you do this you might find your happiness again.
2007-12-30 17:46:42 · answer #1 · answered by gouldygirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Coming from experience, a toxic past takes a while to recover from. It sounds like he is taking the steps to earn your trust back. And that is what it takes...he has to earn it from you.
Consider this when dealing with forgiveness. Forgiveness is FOR YOU!! You can forgive someone and it does not mean that you are saying the way you were treated is okay. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the behavior nor does it have to mean that you trust the person. Forgiveness frees you!
I would suggest getting some counseling. Counselors will get to the issues that the two of you will most likely never reach. If you are both comfortabloe in the Churh then seek your counseling there. This will also be another indication to you if his heart is REALLY in it and if he is really changing.
If you really want to work it out then don;t let the fear of getting hurt again stand in your way. Just be prepared to make the tough choice to leave him for good, should he hurt you again. If you are talking about extreme physical abuse then I would leave him for good and seek counseling yourself.
All my best!
Kerri
2007-12-30 18:31:13 · answer #2 · answered by Kerri P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to forgive him for yourself. But forgetting is another story. Trust is hard to rebuild and takes time. If you truly want your relationship to work, you need to let it go and take a chance again. Work toward that and being kind to him while he works on starting a new life. Time should bring the two of you together. You are still hurting and he needs to understand what he has done to you and how long it takes to get over it. You can't have love without letting go and trusting and a life without love is not a life at all. Just take your time. Maybe find someone to talk to-your minister, a good friend or a professional so you can let some of it go and get some help. Your feeling are natural and it the hurt sounds fresh. Give it time and let him prove himself.
2007-12-30 17:48:34 · answer #3 · answered by towanda 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The 1 and only thing you can do is to forgive him. I could see if he was the same old person. What might happen is... if he's trying to change and have shown a big improvement, yet you still act hateful in some way, it could push him to give up the change and resort to his old ways. I know past hurt can cause a great deal of pain. It is hard to let go and allow that person in again. The worst fear that you have right now is of him doing it again. If you love him then, you should work hard to give that love back. When those thoughts come to mind, tell yourself that... that's in the past and I will not let the enemy cause me to lose what could the best thing on this earth. Continue to go to church with him. Hey, at least he is trying. I've known a few that only pretend to change, just to be in your good grace and voilate you again and again. When you feel your self getting mad, do something else and stop bringing the past up to him. He can't change it now. If it hurt you that bad and you can't let go of the past, then maybe, you need to move on. I really think you can make it. God Bless.
2007-12-30 17:46:23 · answer #4 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one. People have to earn trust. So, it might be that time will be your only friend here. The important thing is that HE understands and realizes it was HIS actions that led to this, and lets you know he will be patient with your feelings. Along with that, forgiving him is actually a benefit for you, as it is letting go of the hostility, ( I know, easier said than done) but we are all human and make huge mistakes, but if God is willing to forgive, then you should consider doing this for the present and the future of your marriage.
I truly believe that if you show your husband appreciation for how he has changed for the better, that he will respond in a positive way and continue with his good behavior.
Don't waste precious time on what ifs? Just be honest with him and tell him you wish more than he that you could remove it from your memory, and that you are consciously trying to do this, for your sake and for his. Best wishes to you.
2007-12-30 17:44:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you've been betrayed, it's such a hard thing to do to put it behind you. I know that you feel vulnerable, but sometime in life that happens.
He seems like he is trying. You have to give him a chance.
If it happens again, then say BYE, BYE! If he really is working at it and has changed, then you just might have a great life.
You said you love him...don't let that go.
It's so hard to put the past behind you, but you can't change it.
Look forward.
If you have one foot in yesterday, and the other one in tomorrow, you're pissing on today. That may be vulgar, but I think that you get the message.
Take it one day at a time; you'll find your way.
Love
2007-12-30 17:43:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-10 17:00:12 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What's to gain by holding a grudge? You both love each other and he has repented. He's a Christian now and it sounds like you are too. You're not divorced so you need to live together. Forgiveness is very important now. Stop looking back and move forward. Get counseling if you need to and pray. We've all sinned.Life is so very short, savor every minute. You are so fortunate that he has changed.
2007-12-30 18:01:56 · answer #8 · answered by sandy t 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You guys need counseling. I'm amazed at the number of folks who turn to Y!A for help...go to a professional! My gut says that the past is so toxic that you won't be able to overcome it without a break of some kind. Some way to reset the relationship, but I don't think that's really possible. If you don't trust, then you don't have a relationship. Honestly, go to a marriage counselor they have ways of helping to rebuild trust. If you are both invested, it will work.
2007-12-30 17:33:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If he has betrayed you - why do you want to love him? He says he is going to church, but may I ask, is there a change in his behaviour. Do you honestly think he will change for the better?
If the past haunts you, why are you still living with him? Why do you love him?
If you don't have any trust in any relationship - please pack up and go because you cannot build a relationship without trust.
2007-12-30 17:36:21 · answer #10 · answered by Black Rose 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋