I'm just curious. I've been married for almost 6 year now and have spent most of that in verbal/phycological abuse, that has slowly worsened. I'm ready to get out, because it seems like just a cycle. He pulls me in with sorry's and love, and then the next fight we get into it happens again. Then he pulls me in again. I think I've about given him enough chances now, and now he feels a bit threatened so he's pulling out all the stops and telling me that he will change and never treat me like that again. I'm not buying it, and I'm ready to walk out. What are the odds of men changing without the "wake up call" of a woman leaving. He tells me that he loves me so much, and that if I walk out the door, his whole world will too, etc. I'm so hard hearted right now, so I just listen and think "Yeah, I know it will hurt, but I don't think you'll change for the better?" What are the chances that he won't need to go through counseling and hitting rock bottom before he can change? Anyone been there?
2007-12-30 17:12:39 · 13 answers · asked by Corgis4Life 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Please no harsh answers, I'm just curious. He's not beating me or anything, but I've taken about what I can handle, and I don't want my 2 kids growing up in this enviroment if he cannot make a drastic change. He loves his kids more than anything and has never done or said anything to hurt them, and all the anger is aimed at me, thankfully, otherwise I'da been out LONG ago. I'm a stay at home mom, he says he doesn't want me to go to school because he's worried a babysitter will hurt the kids, a valid point, but I'm not going for it, my education is important too, I need to be able to support my kids if we split, so that's a no-go! Any advice would be helpful.
2007-12-30 17:15:48 · update #1
Thanks for all your answers. I think the babysitter thing has alot to do with the fact that he was molested as a child. We are christian, and I do agree with the people that said so, he needs God back in his life, because a Christian man would love his wife like Christ loved the church. Thanks for all the link as well... I've visited all the ones I've gotten so far, it's a really big help, any other advice is welcome.
2007-12-30 17:29:31 · update #2
emotional abuse is far worse than a beating... ask me, i spent an entire childhood of it.
abuse is a LEARNED BEHAVIOR, so you can probably thank his parents.. maybe your husband doesn't think a lot of himself, has low self-esteem, so he has to verbally beat you down to feel better. It's WRONG.
i don't think that a person who has issues like this can change on their own, unless they are determined.. and your husband isn't determined -- he just goes through the cycle over and over, promises not to do it again, when he knows it's a lie.
i suppose you could give him a "condition" to stay -- and that is counseling... marriage counseling might work just as well as individual counseling. you'd have to speak with a therapist to find out for sure.
you deserve good things, not a bunch of bullcrap from your husband... he could make an effort and do the work it takes to change. and if he doesn't, well he doesn't love you... you're just a convenience...
that's the way i look at it.
2007-12-30 17:31:50 · answer #1 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in an abusive relationship and even if you think its not hurting the children you are wrong. Children are not stupid they know what is going on. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse then physical abuse. No person has the right to treat his wife/husband or anyone else that way.You have tried for 6 years now and all you get are promises. Its time to face reality here.... get out before it causes any more damage to you or your children. This emotional abuse can damage your children emotionally. Don't let anyone tell you different.
I know all about This type of abuse. I was in a marriage just like it. 5 years I took it because of his promises.I had 3 children in the first 3 years of our marriage. I like you did not think I could support them because I only had an 11th grade education. My youngest was 18 months old when I left. I did go back to school. Got my GED and have college now too. Funny thing is I now own my own business and do not use the courses I took in college.
I am also happily married now too.
2007-12-30 17:52:47 · answer #2 · answered by BareFootBrunette 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Look. He will very likely NOT change on his own. The number one predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you love him and want it to work, insist he gets professional help. If he refuses, leave. If it devastates him as much as he says it will, then he will get help. Tell him that if he doesn't call tomorrow and schedule something with someone, that you will leave. Here is a link he can use to do that.
Edit: A qualified babysitter will NOT hurt the kids. That's an excuse. It sounds like a control issue to me. He sounds like he is scared of losing you and has issues of jealousy.
2007-12-30 17:24:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
6 yrs to wait for a change is long enough..and no he won't change...if he really wants this to work...he will and should seek outside help...good luck
EDIT...he doesn't want you to get your education and probably not even a job...he wants you totally dependent on him...so you're pretty much stuck..and this is hurting the kids..they see and hear how he treats you...do you think they feel good inside? maybe they just hide their emotions..or are still to young to realize the problem...any abuse does hurt the kids
2007-12-30 17:18:55 · answer #4 · answered by ~Jenny~ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Rarely
2007-12-30 17:24:57 · answer #5 · answered by Katie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through something similar myself. We both got counseling....I for my low self-esteem and he for his over-barring personality and abusive mouth and temper. We have been marriage for 15 years. I lived in fear for the first 10 years of our marriage. First I fought for myself and then the kids came & i began to try to tame him and us. So, our kids didn't have to live like that. But it didn't work. I became silent and he became more abusive. About the 10th yearI couldn't take how I was changing and decided just like you to leave. He didn't want me to just like your husband. So, I promised I would give him only one more chance but he had to go to counseling. He agreed and we both are different ppl they we used to be. And MUCH HAPPIER. He's not the same person. I don't live in fear anymore. He grew up in an physical and mentally abusive household. He had a lot to get out. I also grew up in one myself and I had a lot to get out too. Counseling WORK!!!!! But, you have to work with your self and your councilor to make it all go well.
2007-12-31 06:47:56 · answer #6 · answered by dreamkaztle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweety, I'm in a relationship like this. I have been married for 23 years. Get out now sweety. They get worse and I'm stuck with low self esteem and fear now. Please leave now before you are unable to.
2007-12-30 23:00:43 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No they cannot change on their own. He needs God in his life. That is the only way.
2007-12-30 17:16:08 · answer #8 · answered by conny 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, that is part of their behavior and they aren't going to magically wake up one day and decide to be nice. You need to leave him and you should have left 6 years ago. Better late than never though.
2007-12-30 17:18:53 · answer #9 · answered by Meg 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Abusive men are sort of like crack heads, you never know when that uncontrollable urge will return.
2007-12-30 17:18:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋