I dont understand it...How can it be over just like that?

Question

Im going through hell right now because my wife just told me she doesnt want to work things out in our marriage. She didnt want to go to counseling at all. We just bought a new car 2 weeks ago and it was all good. The I love you babe and all that.. now when i ask her if she in love with me she says no. we have 2 young kids my son 6 , and my daughter 2. we split before and we got back together agin to make it work. I just feel like she gave up on our family....she has been clubbing really hard with her friends. maybe she misses the single life but damn ya know. Im just devestated , and feel lost. We are both 25 but I just dont know what to do. She doesnt show me affection like a wife normally would....we have sex like once every 2 weeks which of course i dont like...but i was willing to make this relationship work. Now she is like nothings is gonna change how i feel and she doesnt even want me to touch her. This feels like a terrible dream that i cant wake up from

Answer 1

It is never over just-like-that. It would have secretly been brewing for awhile. When she suddenly tells you this - it has been on her mind for a long time .. you just were not aware.

Also - when a person hits the partying scene really hard - the partying changes them, and they often think they want something else. For lots of people, the partying-scene grows old ,, and things happen ... then they want their old life back again .. the good life which they gave up.

You love your wife .. you love your family .. and it sounds like you have been sorta 'sucker-punched' ... meaning you didn't see this coming - and you are in shock.

Give yourself some time .. let it sink in .. then face it.

If she does not treat you like a woman should treat a man - then think about it -- what do you have anyway? It sounds like you have a wife who let you buy her a new car - who party's a lot - who does not want you to touch her .. and she admits to you that she does not want it to work out .. so she has another agenda for her life.

Just know .. that it has not just suddenly been over for her ... she has had this in her thinking for a long time .. and it us just now surfacing where she will tell you.

She just did not wake up one morning and decide it is over.

For you, you got the news delivered to you .. just-like-that.

It is sad, but you will have to accept it, and let her go do whatever.

Answer 2

Mr. Confused,

At this point there is nothing you’re going to be able to say or do to “win her over”, get her back, or appeal to her better judgment. Maybe she’s going through a phase or some personal issue, but it still doesn’t make her present actions any less inexcusable.

The only thing you can do right now is safeguard whatever dignity you have left, and be as grown up and mature around her as you possibly can. Fine… if she doesn’t want to work things out… and you are going to redefine the boundaries and parameters of your relationship… then do so. Lay down the boundaries and parameters… and stick to your guns. Be assertive. Don’t let her walk all over you. Your heart isn’t a two way swinging door.

Seeing a councilor may help you with your grief and strategy to get through this.

She’s F’d up big time. If she ends up getting some sense knocked into her and has some kind of epiphany… then you’re in charge and you lay down the terms of getting back together. She’s still needs to be held accountable for her actions. Couples counseling sounds like a good requirement for her.

In the end…. You should forgive, but never forget.

Wishing you only the best
Ask.oliver

Answer 3

It can be like that. People just change their minds sometimes. Do you really want to be in relationship with a person who isn't there most of the time bc she is out clubbing? Or someone who just might leave you at any time (again)? Or have sex only once every couple weeks? You need to think about getting good and healthy things into your life like a woman who cares and who will be there for you. Put your mind on fixing that situation and you will see your wife will not be as much of a problem.

Answer 4

I know this is very hard for you right but if you clear up the confusing a little bit and look deep inside yourself then you can see that this was slowly going to happen. Sexual problems in relationships are usually a sign of a bigger problem. Your wife has probably distance herself from the relationship for a while already. The best thing you can do right now is to concentrate on yourself and your kids.
You guys should try a temporary break up, if after that your wife still doesn't miss you or want you, then your better of finding someone who does.

Answer 5

I'm sorry for you sweetie.... that hurts, and there is nothing you can do if only you want it to work... and no, it probably wasn't over with just like that... your wife has a bf. (Been there).

And the real loss is to your children, who never asked to be here, and have every right to wish for two loving parents to raise them. And I'm sorry that she would not go to counseling with you. But sweetie, if she cheated on you (and I'd bet 3 teeth out of my head that she did) you don't want her back.... only 20% of marriages survive 2 years after betrayal, and that is with both in counseling, and both wanting to save it.. That, hon, is an F in school, and an F in life. And the fact that she will NOT go to counseling proves that she has betrayed you.
Sad for you, sad for your children, and sad for her as well...

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear that you married the wrong woman. You sound like a loving family man and you have married a selfish immature woman. She wants to go clubbing and misses her single life. What about the kids? How selfish of her to break up your family and deny the kids the opportunity of having their Dad living with them full-time. Talk to a divorce lawyer and begin the proceedings before she turns up pregnant with some other man's kid. Single life won't be too much fun for her with 2 kids.

Answer 7

She might have been thinking about it for a long long time before she decided to quit on you and your kids. I think she tried to act as normally as possible during the last few weeks, maybe because of the kids.

It seems like she's having the mid-life crisis in her 20s, I mean you both have 2 kids and are very young.

It's very selfish on her to leave her children and you like that, so why would you want to be with a person like that anyway? It's time to focuse on your children b/c unfortunately it does not seem like its her first priority.

Answer 8

brotha, it sucks to be you right now but remember, "trouble doesn't last always." the hell you're going thru now will not go on forever. obviously, you two started a family and began living the married with children lifestyle early--much too early--in life. clubbing every once in a while is not so bad but the lack of affection toward you, the severe decline in intimate relations and her unwillingness to try to make it work spells it for you--she wants out.

it's like trying to save a drowning person: she's thrashing around in the water fighting you while you're trying to stay afloat. is such cases, the drowning person can/will bring the rescuer down... you trying to safe your drowning marriage, with your wife resisting and fighting you, will only wear you out and bring you (and the rest of the family) down.

life is too short to waist time with someone who doesn't/wont reciprocate the love, affection, intimacy and support you have to offer. it will be difficult and painful--no doubt. but stay strong and strive to make the best of it.

i am very sorry...

Answer 9

Have you tried counseling? It's possible that there is something going on with your wife that she doesnt want to tell you but may tell a therapist.
If she wants out of the marriage though there is nothing you can do to stop her just be there for the kids.
Good luck.

Answer 10

She shouldn't be what your worried about..if she wants to leave let her,if she wants to party let her, if she wants to act like a little immature brat then let her, because she sure as hell isn't acting like a mother, worry about those kids who are the one's who are going to go thru hell if ya'll get divorced. You shold have a woman who would walk to the ends of earth for you, not some 1 who is depressed in a relationship and bringing you down. That's not happiness, that's just mean, and it's not necessary. Seperate.