Am I right to be offended?

Question

My wife and I of 3 years are expecting are first child. We decided on the name Ross. My wife was married once before me to a man that died a year into their marriage from a car accident. She wants to name our son Ross Charles (his name was Charles) after him. I am greatly offended by this. Am I being resonable or unfair?

Answer 1

Did she ask first if it was okay with you? Sounds to me like she is trying to manifest her former husband in your baby.

Answer 2

I would not be offended but I would feel hurt that she was in some way still hanging on to her first husband if only by his name. The fact that you feel the way you do, and hopefully have explained this to her, then I don't feel you are being unfair.This is not about jealousy, the poor guy poses no threat to you, my view is that you and she have started a new life and have created a new life yet she is still clinging to the past. I would feel uncomfortable with that too. How would she feel were it the other way around?
If this is really an issue that you find unable to deal with, it could indirectly affect the relationship you have with your son, irrational I know but we humans are irrational when it comes to emotions.
I think your wife should take your feelings into account, even if she cannot or will not understand your objection. The fact that you do object should be enough. Good luck I hope it works out ok for all of you.

Answer 3

Had it not been for the accident of her first husband, you would not be married to this woman and expecting your first child together. Is this the reason that she wants to name him Charles? Is it to pay tribute to him for being such an important part of her life - your life? Or is it something more deep rooted than that?

Rather than be defensive about it, talk about it. Find out her reasons. Perhaps it really isn't something that warrants your being insecure and jealous about. Just remember, he was a very important piece of her life. It may be something you can accept. If not, if you think it will be something you are going to resent for the rest of your life, then you need to be honest with her. After all, it should be both of you that make the decision on the name.

Answer 4

Good news. Name the son Charles Ross if you are smart Because every Charles I know is nicknamed "Charlie" and they are treated like royalty everywhere they go. Even when they get rip roaring drunk every one smiles and laughs and says "that" charlie for ya!" He is very popular and everyone loves Charles. Then when he goes into the business world...he will become rich and do nothing for it. I know a few Charles and thats how they live. THey have dozens of hot chicks around them, and "Charles" is associated with "RICH" and "Charles and Diana"..Please believe me on this. On the other hand Ross....is a boring Accountant name with no friends. Sorry but its true. So choose your son's destiny wisely. Ross is a nice MIDDLE name, "Charles Ross".
I think your wife is wrong though. IF she wanted to name him "Peter" after her first husband I would say NOO WAY.
SO name him Charles and then always say that she was wrong to do so...but for the sake of the child name him Charles. When he is a millionaire you will thank me.

Answer 5

If it's your feelings, then you're never wrong. It's how you feel. Calmly talk to her why it bothers you. And let her do the same. Let her know that this is yours and her child. And naming him after her ex, is something that just won't sit well for you. And you'll be reminded if this for the rest of your lives. Maybe offer to do something else that can honor him, and ask if she thinks there is something else that would make her happy instead of naming your child after him.

I think you have every right to be hurt by this. It probably makes you feel like she's still holding a torch for him. But that's obviously not the case. She married you. But if you truly feel hurt by this, you have to be honest with her. And don't back down. Otherwise I think this is something that could slowly eat away at your marriage. And let her know this. Maybe when she realizes the seriousness of this, she'll back down. Good luck.

Answer 6

If you don't already know why she wants to give your child that middle name, ask her. If she replies (or you already know FOR SURE) that she wants to name him after hubby #1, then I would put my foot down and say no. I find it mind-bogglingly poor form on your wife's part to ask this of you, even though the man is dead.

The only exception I'd make is if her late husband was a close friend of YOURS as well. If not, I'd say NFW.

EDIT: The more I think about this, the more p***ed I get about it. This is not an appropriate way to memorialize a deceased spouse. I mean, she doesn't have to obliterate all traces of him from her life - keeping all her photos and mementos is fine, going to visit his grave (and place flowers on it) is fine - but you do NOT name the baby you have with your second husband after your first husband...even if the man is dead and it would be the child's middle name.

Answer 7

This person obviously meant a great deal deal to your wife. You do have a right to be offended, but the man she wants to name the baby after was probably a good man and she wants there to be some way to remember him. She loves you though and his name isn't a threat to your reletioship. Tell your wife how you feel. She might change it to something that would make you feel less uncomfortable.

Answer 8

I think it is a little unfair to expect you to enjoy having your child named after her ex. I really think you need to approach her with names from the family, fathers, uncles, etc, yours and hers.
If you don't, it will be a wedge between you forever, and may cause a rift in the relationship between yourself and your child.
Good luck.

Edit
I am really surprised by the people that think you should just go along with it. Come on people, this person is going to be a father, and you expect him to be happy with his son being named after his wife's first husband? Sorry, but that is unfair, and just plain weird.
Just imagine when the boy is old enough to ask who he is named after and he hears "Charles was my first husband, and he died, so years later I named you after him"!

Answer 9

Recognizing that your wife was in love before meeting you not only honors her but shows her that you trust her love for you.
The guy died dude, cut her some slack, if he hadn't you'd have never married one another and had a child to argue about, so count your blessings. Ross Charles is a nice name of distinction.
Unless dead Chuck was a rapist or something, I think you need to let it go, love your wife, love your son and not let yourself get so worked up.
Good Luck!

Answer 10

Hmmm, I understand your dilemma here mate. I would find it a little unsettling also, but then I also understand why she would want to do this. I don't think there's a definitive solution here on whether you should or shouldn't name your child that, although if she knows that your not happy with it then I really think she should re-consider.

I think you need to sit down with her and let her know your feelings so that you can both come to a comprimise.

Personally, I know this would bug me a little too much down the line, but everyone's different and will have different opinions on this.

To be "offended" i think is a bit harsh as I really doubt this is her aim, but I do think it is reasonable for you to feel slightly unsettled by this and you shuold def air your feelings with her.

Good luck and congratulations on your first child.

Answer 11

You are right to be offended. Even though there should be no jealousy on your part because the guy is obviously not around anymore and came before your time but still this is YOUR child as well and if you think of it....If this guy was still alive you wouldn't be with her...I don't know I don't think that is right...I would see no problem if she wanted to get a cat or dog and name it in respects of her ex but not the child.