What do u think of my poem/song lyrics?

Question

Please tell me what u think of my lyrics for a song. They are copyright protected so pls dont go stealing them. Would love ur point of view.

Whisper to your soul

I saw u weeping like never before,
Like rain drowned your soul away
How could I hurt u so deeply.
I was looking inside but not out
If only I could whisper to your soul
And ask for its forgiveness

I closed the doors to my heart so you could never come in.
I latched all the windows so you couldn’t see in.
Keeping you out was my biggest mistake.
The key to my heart dissolved when you left
Now my whispers to your soul remain unanswered

I left you sleeping in bed all alone
Like stars without their moonshine
When did my star leave so hasty
I was building a wall to encase me.
If only I could whisper to soul
And tell it I miss you

I closed my ears to your laughter so I could never be glad
I shut my eyes so that your looks couldn’t keep me.
Keeping you out was my biggest mistake
The key to my heart dissolved when you left,
Now my whispers to your soul remain unanswered.

Love will not bother to see me again
Cause I threw its love away
Did I ever hold you so tightly
I was loving me more than you
If only I could whisper to your soul
And ask for its love back.

Answer 1

First and foremost, you need to decide if this is a poem or a song...because there is a difference. Additionally, when you post something for review it should be in its final form...which means spelling, grammar and format should be as you intend it to be published. "u" is not a word...poetry lives or dies by the words it uses...how it treats each word, the nuance and subtle differences between to, too, two and tu, yew, you and ewe...they sound alike, but have vastly different meanings, so please give "u" a cold shoulder and use the word you actually intended...poetry is not text messaging, it's art created from words.

Aside from that, the lines are uneven and the beats are not the same for each stanza. If this is a song, one would need to hear the music because there is insufficient lyric cadence to provide detail as to how it would flow. You've chosen a free verse style, and that too makes it especially difficult to hear the song in the words alone. If it is a poem, it needs editing. There are some good lines, but they are spread within others that are very superficial. There are other lines with incomplete concepts/thoughts (e.g. "I shut my eyes so that your looks couldn't keep me").

I'd recommend you decide if it is a song or a poem, look at your line breaks and lyric pattern...do the words sing in your mouth or do they lay flat...are your thoughts complete and concise, or do they wander? Again, you have a good theme, but you need to edit, edit, edit...and please, use "you" instead of "u".

...and most of all, keep writing

Answer 2

dont listen to these people just look at it and decide if it is a peom or a song. if it is a song then i needs a chorus, that catches peoples attention. Remember we all gotta start some where, so dont worry about people calling you a noob, or what ever.
If it is a song you can right out the words anyway you want as long as YOU understand what YOUR saying.
And they arent bad cause i understood what you were saying.

Answer 3

I think it is amazing...I cant tell that u really felt it, and that it came from your heart instead of your mind...I just wrote a poem, and all my friends think it is very weird, and I told them that it came from my heart, and thern they understood.

Answer 4

yea thats only a little bit nOOb. save it for the coffee shop readings and dont lose ur day job.

Answer 5

Looks great.. Keep it up..

Answer 6

wow you are really good