I'm in a situation where my husband is not meeting my needs emotionally or sexually. He spends all his time either at work or doing something alone, like reading, or arranging baseball cards. We rarely are intimate.
I'm at a point where I am so lonely and feel so disconnected from human contact generally that something has to change. I feel it is unfair to be married and get the emotional (and physical) needs from outside of the marriage, but I also don't want to give up on this. I want things to work out. I also can't continue on like this. It's affecting my health at this point.
He knows how I feel, we've done countless hours of marriage counselling. I feel like my only option is to terminate the marriage. Is there an option I haven't considered that you can think of to save this marriage?
Thanks.
2007-12-30 07:23:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Marriage is a two way street. In order to be happy and to bring happiness to the marriage, you both need to have the same vision. It is obvious that you want your marriage to work. My question to you is to ask your self what does your husband want? He is not showing you any interrest, are you happy with the situation?
Are you ready to be on your own? Being single is very hard. and starting over is even harder. I would say keep yourself busy so that you won't even think about him. You do not need to cheat in order to enjoy yourself. Do not let your life revolve on him. Make a life for yourself. Find a hobby or a carreer that takes your time. Once you are busy ou will stop thinking about him. Maybe he will come back to his senses if you do not pay attention to him.
From ready your notes I see that he is keeping himself busy by doing what he likes while you are waiting for him. Do not wait on him. If he is playing with his baseball card, go to the movies, or go out. When you come back do not pay attention to him. If he wants to have sex, do not give up easily. Tell him that you are tired. Always keep him guessing be unpredictable. Man likes guessing. If he does not response to that know that he lost his interest. You need to move on. This time be strong and start building a life for yourself without him
2007-12-30 12:40:53 · answer #1 · answered by Dina 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell him exactly how you're feeling without anyone being a mediator and ask him if he wants to save the marriage or not. If he says he does then tell him the things that you feel you need the most from him but also make sure you give him the oppurtunity to tell you what he needs. This might open up a great conversation that could make you both feel better and it may also spark some old fires. If he says no then you know what to do.....no need to waste anymore time trying to please him. You could put all your energy into a person who will appreciate and love you!
2007-12-30 16:39:21 · answer #2 · answered by jeannie78 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are no competition to his reading or arranging baseball cards? He must be lonely like you. Men also have feelings. Circumstances in your situation drifted the two of you apart. You two were once in love. If you are being honest with yourself that you want this to work out then you can bring it back. You are the woman. You have all the power. Scratch the counseling and the communication... Be nice to him. Just be kind and patient. If he was good to you in the past he will come back.
2007-12-30 16:21:58 · answer #3 · answered by knowitall 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG, welcome to my world! I know exactly how you feel. My husband is "married" to his job. He is there constantly. He has worked every weekend since mid-November and I have not seen him. When he is home, he is either drinking, eating, sleeping or watching tv (and that is the exact order it goes in). We have sex once in a blue moon and usually I'm not the one getting off.
The sad thing about this is we've only been married a little less than 4 years. Altho this is second marriages for both of us, it should not be this dead after such a short amount of time. My holidays were spent alone. My husband worked Christmas Eve and went upstate to see his kids Christmas day. My kids were with my ex for Christmas Day, so yes...I sat alone all damn day. And here's the kicker for New Years. He's working both New Year's Eve day and New Year's Eve night and never even asked me if I wanted to do anything before he took those hours. He is also working New Year's Day. So as for NYE...I will be alone again, since my kids are back at their dad's that night. These holidays sucked for me so I can honestly sympathize with you.
My husband also knows how I feel but always claims he has to work to keep a roof over my head. The other day he said we would go out for drinks the next time he's not working. Oh, and that would be about 3 weeks from now.
I don't know what to suggest for you to do hun. I hate my marriage probably as much as you do, but also love my husband still. I am also tired of the disappointment. He has gotten fat, drinks like a fish and eats like a pig. I will stay here tho because I really feel there's no place else for me to go. I've already lived at my mother's and don't want to take my kids there again. I love her but can't live with her and I don't make enough to support myself in an apartment.
My kids are at their dad's every other weekend, leaving my husband and I "time alone". Do we ever try to re-ignite our marriage? No, because he is too tired, too full, too drunk or too sleepy. I wish I knew what to tell you. Marriage couseling is not going to work if it hasn't already. If you don't love him anymore, I'd have to say leave. If there's no kids involved, I'd really say leave before you have them and then feel you can't go.
The only thing I can say to you is to try to find things to occupy your time. I don't work, but I do sell Avon and do pretty well at it. For a while there, it was occupying my time so much that my husband actually started making comments about how I was never around anymore. It felt good to know the shoe was on the other foot, even if it was for a fleeting moment.
Try to find a job that occupies your time on the weekend and at night. Let him sit and see what it's like without you for a while. I truly know your loneliness and I know it's not fun.
Good luck
2007-12-30 16:09:57 · answer #4 · answered by kikio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married for better of for worse. Marriage is a lot work and the minute you have to work at it, everyone wants to run away. You are going to have dry spells every now and then, no marriage is perfect. Make it a point to please him with food, message or taking him to his favorite sport, movie etc. You get the drift. Sometimes men get very busy working and have a lot a stress on their plate, they want to do things that won't make them stress out. If you whine about every little thing he does, that is stressful and he will avoid you. Be spontaneous, sex wise, show him love when he comes through that door, and DON'T talk about your needs all the time. It gets tiring. Good luck!
2007-12-30 15:37:29 · answer #5 · answered by radbagm3 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to talk to your husband one last time and give him an ultimatum.
He needs to see that you NEED things in a marriage in order for the marriage to work.
Be open and honest with him and make him see that you have needs and wants that need to be fullfilled.
He may not be seeing that part of it. I have never known a man to not want sex and quality time with his wife.
Have you considered that he is unhappy and could possibly be cheating?
If he cannot see that you are unhappy then you have to tell him that you want him to change or you will leave him.
Be firm and follow through and who knows...maybe this will change his ways!
Good Luck and Best Wishes!!
2007-12-30 15:40:38 · answer #6 · answered by Blue Jade 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he has already given up on the marriage, if you've told him and gone to counseling and he's still not getting the message. You really might think about getting out while you still have your principles and go find a man that does want to fill those needs.
Sorry
2007-12-30 15:37:06 · answer #7 · answered by vjustmehere 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you have any children, besides the one you are married to? How old are you guys? Was he EVER very intimate with you? I can't believe this issue wasn't noticed before you were married. maybe it made you feel safe at that point of your relationship. You might ask him if he wants to stay married. I can understand your dilemma. You are going to have to answer the question of how long can I put up with this? But promise me; no affair!
2007-12-30 15:52:37 · answer #8 · answered by Proverbs twenty7 7teen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well show him what he has to lose leave for a couple of days with out tell him where you are and after 2 day call him and ask he if it is better with out you .
then tell him that is how you have been feeling when he is not giving you any affection .
it should show him what is really impotent.
that will be allot better then cheating
2007-12-30 15:44:59 · answer #9 · answered by Bobby T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may also feel that you are not meeting his needs. You really have to treat a man like a baby to make them happy. He is happy and he will make you happy. Give him lots of attention, show him you love him, and show an interest in sex. Be aggressvie. Stroke his ego.
2007-12-30 15:58:04 · answer #10 · answered by heather b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋