how do i forgive my husband and love my step daughter?

Question

my husband and i have been married for 2 1/2 years we have just recently gotten back together after being seperated for 8 months the reason we seperated is my step daughters mother i felt like he always put her before me becacuse he didnt want to fight with her and have her take his privelages with his daughter away. this woman hates me and would do and say anything to ruin our marriage she even said about a year ago that he was cheating on me with her (he denies it) thats been almost a year ago he seems to have chaned hes putting me first in his life and seems to be doing everything he can to work on our marriage i love him and want our marriage to work i also have a hard time with my step daughter who is only 3 i know she is only an innocent child but being around her only reminds me of what her mother did and all he hard hard times i have had becacuse of her mother. how do i deal with this

Answer 1

start spending some time with her. for example go to the zoo, go to the toy store, you know, start talking to her. build a relationship early and get to know her!

good luck!

Answer 2

Yes, the daughter is an innocent child....I say....you need to find some way to deal with the feelings of anger that you harbor....maybe see a therapist? Or talk to a neutral friend...try to vent and get it off your chest....without inflicting it on the daughter. Write out and then burn it, and let that serve as your letting it go and starting fresh.

If you choose to stay with this...it is in your best interest to find someway to connect to the child. You are lucky in the respect that she is young and still able to connect with you without all the baggage. I know the mother is being distructive, but you need to find someway within yourself to rise above that....it will be difficult. That's why I think you need to be sure if this is what you want. If you cannot let go of the anger....this will be impossible to do.

I had a friend who was in this position....she married a man with kids from a previous marriage and the youngest was a 3 yr old daughter....which she has bonded with her and fulfilled her needs as a mom (the real mom had issues and perhaps didnt always put the kids' best interests first) So my friend embraced this, and her husband was supportive, and she became like a second mom to these kids.

Try to block the mother out....you are allowing her to be in control when the child triggers the bad emotions of what happened. You can change that....and hopefully with the help of your husband....make a nice place for the child to come to when she visits. Show her she is important you and try to spend time with her alone and/or with her dad....do fun things like make cookies...play dolls with her....take her to the park. She will only be this age for a small time so make it count....she will always remember you as being a part of her life. Remember things you did when you were young, that were fun and magical and try to do those things too....if you and your husband decide to have kids....she should be excited and supportive...because you will have already laid a good foundation with her. Just love her....that's what she needs...and the love she will give back to you...will be infinite....for the safe, loving place you provide for her when she visits. Good luck....I hope this helps.

Answer 3

No surprise here. This is to be expected. You knew what you were getting into before this started. Something I learned a couple of years ago and I will share it with you.

Relationships are about the ability to make and keep agreements. If you can't do that then there is no relationship. Agreements can change by both parties coming to a new agreement. If you or the person you are in a relationship with can't do that, then there is not much hope for a happy marriage. It is really very simple. What works and what does not work.

If it works then there is no problem, but if it does not work then you have an option. Either accept it the way it is or change it. It is up to you. Good luck.

Answer 4

How would his ex know whether your husband was cheating on you? Did she mean with her? If not, does she follow him around, 24/7? What's her source?

If you love him, accept that he's trying, now. You can't make yourself love his daughter. You are putting too much stress on yourself, trying to do that and feeling guilty because you can't. You can't automatically love anyone, which is one of the many problems with the instant families of second marriages. Your first concern needs to be your relationship. She goes with him, not with you.

It is excellent that you realize she is just an innocent three year old. That's the right attitude. Just take it slow and be honest about your feelings. If the best you can do right now is to be a benevolent babysitter, then so be it. As a previous poster said, baths, bedtime stories, food - bonding in these classic mother and child ways will help the feelings to grow naturally. Just let that happen in its own time - young children are often remarkably easy to love.

Answer 5

You have married you husband knowing full well of his situation. I'm pretty sure you must have anticipated some of the trouble you will encounters with regard to the ex. I'm in the same situation. Because of what the child mother does that made you less inclined to be closer to the child.

You have forgave your husband and accepted him back. Don't let his ex action do more damage to your relation with your husband and your step-daughter. It's not fare to make the little girl pays for what her mother does.

Open your heart again to your step-daughter ... slowly, one act at a time. This is what I'm doing to ease myself into accepting and loving my step-son (he's 4 yr old). I think the kid needs graduallization too. It's not natural to suddenly being all lovy-dovy for you or your step-daughter.

Answer 6

Hard times take time to wear down abit-so give it that. As you are, you are making new and better memories with your husband and you need to do that with your step daughter. You never know-she could be the boon of your life and with your hubby's attachment, he can only love you more if you take the time to make that bond with her. Do some things with just her-even if its only a trip to the park or to the grocery store. Get to know her-at 3 she's already her own little person, do something that is just you two-but maybe with Dad too. Cooking and then serving cookies, making easy sandwich dinners. My daughter and I are well bonded from starts like this and shes my best friend (beyond hubby and son) at 13 yrs now. Shes my own daughter-but it still works the same. Marrige, family and life itself is a building process, it takes time and work and is well worth it. And one never knows-she may need you more than you know-God has his ways of working things out like that. Good luck

Answer 7

You can't "force" yourself to like someone. If you and your stepdaughter are not getting along, then the best thing for you to do is to simply avoid her as much as you can. Your husband HAS to apply rules...this girl has been getting away with too much already...and she knows she can keep doing it because her dad will allow it. It's up to you to make your husband understand that the two of you need your privacy. The daughter can come visit, but NOT stay for a year! That's why she has a mom! I'm afraid if you don't do anything about it....you're marriage will suffer the consequences. Stand up for yourself, talk to your husband...things just have to change.

Answer 8

You deal with this by never letting the ex-wife have power over you and your relationship with your husband. Everytime you allow her to upset your life she wins and you can never ever let that happen again! Look at that little girl and love her and make what time you spend with her very special. She is a part of the man that you love and always remember that this precious little girl did not keep her father with her mother. He divorced his ex because he was not happy with her and he did not want to fight and save it. Your husband was very miserable with the childs mother and he is just tired of the fighting with her and how she still can affect his life through you now. He divorced the mother from his life but he did not divorce his child. When you are a parent you love your children more than your own life. They are a part of you and a part of everyone you have ever loved or lost in your lifetime in your family. When you married your husband you also accepted everything about him and with that came his daughter. She is not a threat to you or your marriage to her father. The best advice I could suggest to you is for you and your husband to get marriage counseling and when all is well with the two of you I would start having my own family with the man you love. This will connect all three of you in that your own beautifull child that you love with all of your heart will also be a part of the step daughter. That is the part that will remind you that she is a part of you to. If her mother is this bad then realize that she may need you in her life to love her and be there for her in the future because you are the one she may turn to someday. You get what you give in life .....be supportive and understanding to a man that loves you but also loves his little girl....don't ever make him choose between the two of you. I am not saying not to set up what is acceptable and not acceptable with your husband. You will need to have guidelines and rules that are appropriate in your home and discuss how things should be handled where dealing with the childs mother is concerned. Go to the book store and find readings on blended families and marrying a man with children .....get all the information and knowledge that you can get on dealing with the ex and not letting her affect the relationship between you and your husband now.

Answer 9

You need to grow up first. That is a child and she has nothing to do with what adults do. However he had that child before you and him married. You need to understand that his child's mother is going to be in his life the child is only 3. She has to have contact with your husband. How have you treated her in the past. Own what you did too. She could have been in a relationship when you came along and she may feel you are partly responsible for her unhappiness. Seems to me that you need to check yourself. You are his wife yes, but his child is his flesh and blood and you are an adult being 3 she can't make decisions. Come on act like an adult. If your husband feels like you have a problem with his child he is going to leave you. Can you say DIVORCE!

Answer 10

By separating and having problems the ex-wife has won. It is hard to be in the middle of two different families and families are what they are. On one hand your husband was doing what he needed to do to keep his daughter in his life. By doing so he alienated you his other family. Jealousy is a strong weapon and his ex-wife used it against you to gain what she wanted. If you are secure in your relationship you won't let her interfere with your relationship with your husband. One thing that is positive is that he didn't hook back up with his ex-wife while you all were separated and he came back to you. That should show you where his loyalties lay. Now for the little three year old. She is the innocent one here. You need to look at her as your child too when she is with you all---as you knew when you got with him he had a child. When she is there treat her as your own---remember she don't know any better and if she says something negative her mom has said but it down to her mom manipulating the child. Just love the little girl---make her feel loved---don't punish the child for her mother's actions because in the long run it will come back on you. Learn to bend when it comes to the ex-wife and always be honest with your husband but in private if something happens or the ex-wife says or does something to upset you. It sounds like she has regrets and would do anything to separate you all for good. Remember those who anger us control us. Also, the best revenge is to go on and have a happy life with your husband and step-daughter. There are reactions to every action in life---just because the ex-wife does something you don't like doesn't mean you have to show her a negative reaction. We are the only ones who can change things in our lives. Also, remember ANGER is one letter away from DANGER. and.......the one that stands out to me from my Gramma is---you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. So, be better than her and always be nice. It will help with the relationship with your husband if you don't let the ex-wife rile you as she wins when she does. It has to mean something that you all got back together and if she is smart that should tell her that there isn't ever going to be anything but their daughter to keep them together and not in the way she wants. She may make accusations but listen and trust your husband until you have solid proof he has done wrong. A marriage without trust as a foundation will fall apart. I hope this has helped you some.

Answer 11

Well think about it!
If she reminds you of her thats only genetics!
She's only 3 years old and its not like she is her!
Just love her like you would your own child and be happy with your husband! If she turns out to be like her mother always remember god made people for a reason and she just might turn out to be a really great person in a few years!
I've been around babies a lot and my friends little brother was a spoiled little brat but he turned out to be a really great person so it doesnt matter who the childs mother is as long as you love the child! Every child deserves a chance to prove she's not her mother as long as the mother is good she can end up to her mother lol! Also you can always email me anytime I'm 12 years old and my email is [e-mail]!