Here is a verse I wrote about dreaming.. Whats your opinion?

Question

Phantasea

As I plunder afloat upon the silky abyss,
I wonder what really lies beneath this thin sober air.
Ill just let drift in the weeds, sails flapping and clapping,
For that who really cares and the warm waves brush over my side.

Are you in there? Can I feel what your feeling?
Are you too flowing seemlessly through the sea of transience?
Dreams, are they of liquid light and distant depth?
Do you reside inside a sunfilled chasm?

The clear blue ocean can tear us apart..
A sudden sense of fickle trickles down my spine,
But i feel sunshine, I can taste the whispering wind,
The daisy meadows fresh greens seem to agree.

As the melting buttercups flutter and nod,
And swimming with honeycomb nectar we swirl,
And in tranquil dance in a coffee cup of creamed dreams,
We paint epic burls together that just seem wander along.

Puffing white cotton clouds sprinkle and caress the sky,
Horizon to horizon we fly in harmony with our discovered realm,
For we couldnt care what lies beyond.
May we remain right here just together and only forever..

Thanks guys for the positive response.. I really wasnt expecting that!! I didnt want that verse to be as dark an mechanical as they sometimes are.

Duisend-poot: Neednt worry bout that, I copyright my work as soon as its written..

Answer 1

Hello Again

I really enjoyed reading this visual piece. It takes my mind to an Astral Dreaming state as it flows into different state's that dreams may do.
It is very colourful to which I loved and I could feel the different aspects eg. The warm waves.
The melting buttercups reminded me of a book I have started writing about a lost land beyond the Oak Tree.
It is a slightly different style to what I have read of yours so far.
I really enjoyed it. :)

9/10
Tricia
xox

Answer 2

good, i like the questioning of if other people really exist and that
they well could be a figment of your imagination, and that you can never know if other people feel the same as you, your sensation of hot may well be theirs of cold, who knows?

yet we all seem to have the same attitude to things. maybe they all feel different but society has taught us how to feel about them.
yet so magical, we cannot help but think of a conspiracy because of our minds, why not just enjoy it!


I enjoy writig poetry also.
keep on with your poetic writing, it has potential to be published; yes, you should copyright it!

quite inspiring!
8/10

Answer 3

O_O all i can say is...........wow.
Happy New Year 2K8!

Answer 4

The verse is extremely long, perchance you're able to be able to desire to evaluate halving verse one and use the 2d a million/2 as verse 2? The pre-refrain is stable, in the 1st occasion it suits, yet perchance the 2d time around you're able to be able to desire to easily bypass into the refrain (leave out the pre-refrain)? frequent, nicely executed! wish i became a sprint help.

Answer 5

Lovely, you must be a romantic person. Love reading poems , hope you keep them all in a safe place so that you can look back one day and reread them all. Someone might swipe [ steal] them, can i steal them:))

Answer 6

omg i absolutely loved it, im apoet myself and this is honestly a piece i can look up to, its full of vivid imagery and theirs good use of other literary elements i love how nature was used to convey your message and the ending was perfect wow omg now im inspired to write lol yes continue writing like this i think its great it has meaning and depth i loved it!!

Answer 7

thats brilliant i thought it was more like being in heaven than experiencing a dream though

Answer 8

This is great... GOSH you are really talented... Thank you for the great verse .. Happy new year

Answer 9

Fantastic, it is lovely and very meaningfiul.

I love it!

Answer 10

Beautiful, I would replace fickle with fear...beautiful...

Be Loved.