Ex wife is driving me crazy! How do I get through to her to just stop already??

Question

My ex wife cheated on me and I divorced her. I met someone else and am engaged. When the ex found out, she started calling me and cries and wants to know everything about my life. She told me that I never tell her anything and that's why she has to ask. We have kids together and she questions the kids about what I do and about my finacee. How do I make this stop once and for all??? She refuses to listen and won't leave it alone.

Answer 1

You have to set boundaries with consequences for over stepping the boundaries. Make it clear to her. Tell her your contact is to be only concerning the kids and that you would like to maintain being friendly and civil concerning them. That you have moved on and she should do the same. The only business the two of you have are the kids and tell her it should be a co-parenting relationship that does not include personal information beyond that. Do not answer her questions and tell her it does not pertain the to the kids. If she keeps at it, hang up on her or walk away. This is the consequence for over stepping that boundary. She should eventually get it and although it may be tough in the beginning, being passive in this situation will probably not pay off. I have read that the #1 reason for second marriages failing is because of an ex.

She no longer has a right to know everything about your life if you don't want her to. You are divorced and I wouldn't entertain the crying fits and questions. Your only obligation is to your kids, not your ex. I am sure it is difficult, because you don't want things to turn nasty, but how long will you and your new wife allow it. Stop it now before it gets worse and if you passify her, it most likely will. She will still get info from your kids and there isn't much of a way to stop that. Maybe once she understands that your life is your life and you do not like what she is doing and won't tolerate it, she will lay off questioning the kids. Best wishes and congrats on your new marriage!

Answer 2

This is not a good situation. I wish women (and men) would understand that questioning the children is VERY unhealthy. You may want to remind her of this. Would she agree to counseling? She really needs to understand how this effects the children. If needed, seek court ordered counseling. Unfortunately, you may have to involve the courts or the law (restraining order) to get it to stop. The only thing you have to answer to her for is where the children are DIRECTLY concerned. Other than that, she really does need to butt out (but you know that already). Also, from experience, if you involve the courts or law, be very careful of your own actions because she will, most likely, do the same. Document everything and I mean EVERYTHING...time, date and content of every conversation and also document every time the children tell you she was asking. When you think you have written enough details, write some more. The more detail the better. This will be helpfull should you need to go to court. This is harrassment and it needs to stop.

Best of luck to you. I am SO SORRY you are going through this!!

Answer 3

well get ready for some real psycho behavior when u remarry is all i can say. been there done that. my ex did the same thing... cheated on me. i eloped to avoid the hassle of her interference. since then she has went berserk to the point it comes between my visitation with our son. funny how they don't want u but don't want anyone else to either. women who do this don't give a crap about looking foolish. all they concern themselves with is trying to make u regret the day u met someone special. she will begin to poison the children's minds against your new wife. she will tell the kids daddy doesn't love u anymore. God forbid u have a child with your new wife.all i am saying is restraining orders don't work. how many people have been killed that had them??? the answer LOTS!!! i have went to the police and they wont do anything until they catch her in the act of craziness. besides that they look at u like be a man. all this does is put the children in the middle and even more pressured by mom to perform spy duties. change your number to private and call ur children when u need to talk to them. u may not get to see them much but maybe she will realize her actions cause the kids pain. my ex ignored our designated visits. it takes time and money to change it. i had to let it go since it so severely affected my son. confront her and let her know u r only concerned for your children together and good luck.

Answer 4

Move or get a restraining order. Her actions are a form of stalking. Depending on the status of your custody with the kids...get away from her. The only conversations that should had between you are re: the kids. Hang up the phone, or demand she leave your property if she won't leave you alone. It ain't right. You divorced her for a damn good reason. You deserve to not be punished for a good decision. She's punishing you. Make it stop.

Answer 5

It sounds like you have taken everything away from her because she cheated on you. I am very sorry for you. Your ex-wife still has valid emotional ties to you. It upset her that you replaced her with another woman. Apparently you have her children as well. Why wouldn't she want to know how they are. Can you try to be a little more understanding and start talking to her. Then maybe she won't have to ask the children questions that she has. I am not sure you can make this stop unless you move farther away and who would want you to do that? I hope you have the insight to let her back in just a little and then the irritation may go away.

Answer 6

Since I assume you must talk to her about the children it would be impossible to stop all communication, but you can change the way you deal with her intrusions on your privacy.

If she gets no response she will start to feel foolish for continuing to ask questions (at least most people do). Decide on some noncommittal answer that provides no information and does not add "fuel to the fire" so to speak. This is called the "broken record". You might try, "I'm not going to discuss my private life." No matter what she says don't deviate from this one sentence. She is getting something from these interchanges and that is why she keeps rattling your cage. You have to change how you react and I believe eventually she will give up.
As to how to get her to stop asking the kids questions, that may be more difficult, this puts children in a very awkward position. They may feel uncomfortable about talking about you, but they don't want to disappoint their mother either when she questions them. You do need to realize it is natural however for her to ask what you did during the time you spent with them, it is not okay for her to question them on aspects of your relationship with your fiance. In private tell her this. Again just repeat the same statement. For example: "I understand that you will want to know what the children and I do over the weekend, but please do not ask questions about my private relationship it makes them unconfomfortable." Keep repeating this same statement. Don't get into a discussion or an argument, that is what keeps her going.

Answer 7

as far as her bothering you, tell her the only way you will talk with her is if it is concerning the children. she has no right to interfere with your personal life. you have moved on and it was her own mistake to lose you! she also has no right to attempt to involve your children in this. of course i'm sure nothing bad happens when the children are in your care and/or your new love! so anything they do say to your ex shouldn't worry you unless they have issues with you having a new one...sometimes having a step family is a complicated and emotional issue. believe me, i know that from experience. either way stick to your guns. if your children are old enough to stand up to their biological mother and tell her i'm sorry that's dad's business i would tell them to do so. i would also suggest finding out if you can recommend counseling for your ex wife somehow. was an attorney involved in the divorce? if so maybe you could contact them for a legal means of making her leave you alone. you could even place a restraining order against her for harrassing you and make someone else take your children back and forth for visiting each of you. that would also make you look better if you are planning to make a bid for full custody. good luck and congrats on the upcoming marriage!

Answer 8

Is there someone on her side of the family who you can talk to about her behavior? This might put things into perspective someone else telling her that her behavior is unreasonable. I would also tell them that she is harassing the children which is totally out of bounds. You don't have to tell her anything about your current relationship, it's not her business anymore. When you talk, discuss the children and if she deviates from the children hang up. Every single time! That way she knows that you're serious. Good luck.

Answer 9

There is a wonderful written piece on divorce and such situations written by Bill Ferguson, and if you google him and read it is great.
We are all 100% responsible for our own actions. So if you review your relationship with her, you can see some patterns in your life that you can change to ensure that your life with your new bride is lasting and loving.
If you concentrate on your children, and always do what is best for them, this will help you deal with your ex-wife. It is a choice to handle this firmly and rise above the drama. If on the other hand you engage emotionally, by getting upset and trying to make her do anything, then you are making a choice to stay involved, and feeding into a situation which you chose to leave.
However, with children involved it is important to show them how to behave, so keeping respect, honesty responsibility {for your actions and past actions] and compassion in regard to dealings with their mother will go a long way in your children's eye's. Allow this trying time to bring out the very best of who you are.

Answer 10

Your ex got what she deserved. Dumped. You don't owe her anything but you do owe it to your children to show what values and morals are.
If your wife continues to grill the kids, talk to an attorney. We had to do that to my husband's ex and it worked. The attorney explained (in a letter) that involving the children is harmful to them and if she persists, she'll face charges of violating a court order AND have to pay for all court charges. Guess what? She stopped!
Good luck and congrats on your engagement!