My best friends daughter uses and verbally abuses her all the time, I want to tactfully step in, any advice?

Question

This girl is an adult and an only child, and she is the rudest, nastiest, selfish, know-it-all I ever met in my life. She uses her big mouth to get whatever she wants and has the entire family scared to death of her.
I've gently hinted around that I'd never let either one of my children cuss at me and tell me how much money to spend, or let them just dump their children on me whenever they wanted expecting me to watch them for 10-12 hours at a time and not offer to pay me. (Or having the gall to ask me to babysit while I hang out with my friends and my husband goes and plays golf...and the husband only works part time!!)
I've also said that I'd never let my children disrespect me and talk to me like I was a piece of dirt, but it all seems to go right over her head, like I'm not referring to her precious Monster child.
I hate to see my recently retired best friend be used and abused like this, any constructive advice is appreciated.

I planned a long weekend in Saint Augustine FL next week to get her away from all this mess and stress and hopefully have her relax a bit. The stress and abuse has gotten so bad, I hardly recognize her any more....she's kind of become a "stepford wife, " and when her daughter says 'jump' she's like 'how high dear?'
I just want to scream!!! But I know it's not my place to interfere with how she lets this ungrateful b*tch treats her.

I forgot to mention that the daughter and I don't get along at all. I can't stand to be in the same town as she is.

Also the daughter is not a little kid, she's 37 years old!

This b*tch has a daughter also, I can only hope and pray that since she is seeing all the abuse that her mother gives to her grandmother, that she will think it's the right thing to do, and treat her mother the same way.
I hope what goes around comes around and that she gets royally paid back for her behavior. The little girl looks just like the mother (homely, poor kid,) and the mother named her a boys name to boot, so I'm sure the poor kid will be teased in school.

Answer 1

As long as the mother allows this woman to abuse her she will not stand up for herself. The mother needs to find a common ground with her daughter. The mother needs to find a place to get away from her daughter to get her spirit back. This situation took a long time to develop. I also suspect that the mother has had other type of relationships like this in the past and found this to be acceptable. It becomes the norm for her. If you can get her to go to a sanctuary where she can work on her spirit and resolve past hurts she will be able to stand up to her daughter. She is really hurting her daughter and grandkids by allowing this behavior to continue. The grandkids will learn this is acceptable and will abuse others. I am quessing that the daughter is already abusing others, maybe just verbally but it will eventually become physical because she thinks she has power and it will eventually lead to assault of some kind. If this woman does not get help the whole family will be injured in the long run. The mother also needs to find a support group . This is going to be a long drawn out change but if they do not change the family will be in turmoil and someone will eventually get hurt.

Answer 2

Well it's a catch 22 here i'm afraid. You step in and tell her what you think, then your run the risk of losing her, you might be considered nosey or told it's none of your business. And on the other hand if you don't step in you'll see your friend's upset continue. I think doing something rather than not is the best option. How old is this daughter? If she's a teenager, then, unfortunately this is relatively normal, not all teenagers are like this (i'm 18 so I know that for a fact) but a lot are, especially if she's an only child she'll be use to the special treatment. If you talk to your friend about this you run the risk of her thinking your questioning her mothering abilities. At the end of the day it's your choice. I can only tell you the consequences, but i'm sure you know them already.

Answer 3

Although it isn't your place to interfere....as a Best Friend...and depending on how long that relationship has been going on with her....I would say to her, and the daughter if she happens to be there when you are....and the verbal manipulation begins...."That you will not stand for the daughter to talk trash to your Best Friend while you are visiting" Also, interject here that she is a rude, manipulative and potty mouthed spoiled brat, and your Friend doesn't deserve that from anyone....especially her own child. I would then cut my time short and leave, saying I wont listen to this, nor watch the drama. Call your friend later to say to her how you feel and you can't be a party to that because you love her and care about her.
I have done this.....no I didn't loose a friendship...it started my Friend actually thinking about what is going on with the Kid...In this case her Son. When he came in and I was visiting...and started in on his Mom....I stepped in and told him off....and did this more than once.....He learned that if he was going to be a brat to at least not do it in front of me or where I could hear it. She started speaking up for herself and telling him off....and in time he gained respect for her. When does a kid loose respect for the parent....over time, and if they get away with it a few times....it just doesn't stop....Your friend has allowed this to continue.....she is the weak one....and the child has no respect. That kid needed her butt paddled a long time ago......and more than once I would say.
You just stand up and take charge.....and start your BFriend on the right track.....

Answer 4

Wow, why is this kid so out of control. She must have been spoiled growing up, and her mom gave in to every word. Now that she's an adult, there seems to be less help for her. If you step in, be prepared for a total ***** out from this *****, she doesn't take **** from anyone. If she can't respect her own mother, the person who gave her life, how can she respect anyone else, or herself for that matter? Maybe it's time for the mother to tell the daughter "No more". She doesn't deserve this, from anyone. She deserves respect, and if this daughter won't give it, and she's a woman now, then she has to live with the consequences of being alone and having no help if she can't be nicer and have respect for others.

Answer 5

that's definitely a tough situation. you will need to fully deploy tact when addressing this situation. your friend is apt to believe that you are criticizing her parenting when you talk about the grown daughter.

perhaps the best way to handle that situation (if you are determined to get involved) would be to address your concerns straight to the grown daughter. if she has a big mouth and is accustomed to telling people exactly what she thinks, then return the favor. make sure that you include a few of the things that you believe the grown daughter does well. but then tell her where she is taking unfair advantage. and point out some of the abuse issues.

make sure you commisserate with the daughter about how difficult it is to rear children etc etc etc. and it might be a good idea not to tell your friend about the conversation. make sure that you keep it as a conversation and not a confrontation.

good luck.

Answer 6

As her best friend, you have an obligation to infrom her that you see her dauighter abusing her like this and ask her if she wants to change it ... offer to help in this if she wants help (If she doesn't, then ask why not.. the answer may lead to a reason why she lets it happen and find a solution).
If you witness this abuse, say to the daughter that you think that was not nice, rude, or uncalled for, etc. (soudns liek she was a spoiled brat growing up, though, so your friend may be an enabler).

Answer 7

You do not have any respect left for your best friends daughter
But your friend suffers. Why he refuses to wake up to realities of life and niceties of existence. Tell him to Omit her and do not give attention to her tantrums, abuses, demands, which unfortunately have paid GOOD DIVIDENDS which she could not deserve.

Tell your best friend that the daughter who threatens and abuses has been a successful by procuring what she wanted though she did not deserve. You also describe her behavior as very selfish and she lives on these acts which meet her needs satisfactorily for her.

Just learn to OMIT her unworthy behavior and attend to he sensible way of life and living. You can certainly tell this to your friend and watch what happens next. See that she doe snot practice threats to ruin the house or belongings under any circumstances, to gain something she cannot deserve.

Answer 8

Don't go there. "Stepping in" not only won't work, it will very likely ruin your relationship. Instead, listen to her after you ask her to express her feelings, desires, needs, and wants. And then listen some more--as long as it takes. IF she talks about how she feels mistreated, tell her she doesn't need to live that way but do not under any circumstances tell her how to fix things.

Answer 9

do not step in at all ,you will only become an enemy. your friend brought her daughter up like that.let the girl learn by her self the value of a mother , one day hes will say sorry for all she is doing now to her mom when her daughter comes up

Answer 10

You shold tell her best friend off, she doesnt have the right to do that. The parents of that girl made mistakes while raising her. And they have to show who the boss is, or send her to one of those camps, that should help.