been with my bf for almost 3 years. about 3 weeks ago we decided i should move in w/him (my apt lease is up in Feb) so i gave me apts my notice to move out. i have 3 girls part-time ages 8,6,and 5 that he's very close to (i'm 28). he's 29-no kids,never married or lived w/anyone.
over the past 2 weeks-the kids and i have been spending everyday/night there. we spent christmas at his sister's house.
tonite about 10 mins before i was supposed to leave for work-he tells me that he's not ready for us to move in!! I was SO upset. he said that he just needed more time to get used to the kids being around 24-7 and since work has been really stressful for him (which it has)-he hasn't had time to focus on getting used to them. i started to cry and got up to leave and he said he was sorry. i got so angry at him for waiting to tell me right before i had to go to work and he said there wasn't really a good time TO tell me. please read rest..important
2007-12-29 18:58:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he said that he was doubtful about it before i turned in my notice at my apts but wanted to give it a try b/c he loves me and the kids but after the hectic week at work right before christmas and coming home to the kids making noise, him not being able to sleep,etc he realized it was too much right now. he didn't want to tell me right before christmas and have me upset so he waited.
i'm devastated!! i am thankful that he was honest w/me but why wait till RIGHT before i had to go to work?!! i ended up being an hour and half late b/c i was so upset.
he said that he didn't want to break up with me and didn't want me to leave him but he just isn't ready for us all to live w/him and promised to help me find somewhere to go.
what should i do? i really do love him but I'm so hurt,stressed out,and sad.
thanks for all advice!!
2007-12-29 18:58:44 · update #1
Please go back and read what "baseball" wrote to you He is right on.......no ring...etc.....I don't think your boyfriend is a bad guy' It may of all started out for the right reasons....but now its just sex, and he can't take having the kids around....and think of this...what kind of example are you setting for your 3 little girls...shacking up....not a good idea....no marriage no sex....come on mom set those kids a good example....get your own place again ....give this guy a date ...and i mean for marriage and that includes 3 little girls...I'd guess he's going to run.....It's probably time to move on.....Will it hurt...darn right it will...but it would hurt a whole lot worse 1 year down the road and with 4 kids .....and he says he can't deal with it all.....he has a lot of growing up yet to do. Go now.......
2007-12-29 19:37:18 · answer #1 · answered by Marie 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is hard. I want to say no, don't leave him...he was just being honest. On the other hand, he was very inconsiderate, after you gave your apts notice already (and I assume your girls know they were moving), he tells you sorry, he's not ready...will he ever be ready? He cannot ever give you a time limit of when he will be ready. You don't have any control over this situation. It's whenever HE feels HE's ready.
My advice: YOU take control of the situation. This isn't all about you and him. It's also about 3 innocent, wide-eyed souls - your babies. They need a stable, consistent life. You can't lead a life where a man (your bf) dictates where and when you and your babies can live.
Tell him you appreciate that he told you the truth that he's not ready. This made you rethink the whole "move-in" situation and now you decided that you will not move in with him (or any man) until you get married. Tell him it's not about pushing him into a marriage or anything like that, but you need to make a predictable, consistent life for your girls. It's not fair to tell young children (and get them excited) about moving to a new home, and then a week later, tell them "sorry, you aren't moving". That's heart-breaking.
2007-12-30 03:33:45 · answer #2 · answered by luvly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All of us here have no rights to tell you whether to leave this guy or not because you have spent 3 years with him and we don't even know about him.
It's obvious that you know him better than anyone of us here, right? I think you still love him and deep down in your heart, you know he feels the same. If not, you won't be asking this. When you ask this question, it means you're having doubts.
Listen to your heart. Sometimes, we get so upset that our mind is not working or thinking properly. Our heart speak the truest. He is just not ready to step into this commitment with the kids around because as you said, he's not married before, he has no kids before, so it's normal for a person like him to have stress and he needs time for the adjustment.
For him, it's a big change in his life because all of a sudden, there's four people in his house (you and your 3 kids). So, I suggest you give him some time and try to work things out.
If you leave him, you didn't solve the problem because you're running away from it. What if you met another guy and has the same reaction as this one? Are you going to run away again? How many times you wanna leave and walk away each time the same scenario happens?
Don't forget that your kids are growing up each day and moving here and there without a constant fixed home is not healthy for them.
2007-12-30 03:44:08 · answer #3 · answered by Calvin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Taking on three kids is a lot more than you realize since you gave birth to them. You said he hasn't even lived with anyone let alone have 4 women move in with him. So the timing was bad. Get over it. If you love him and want to keep him, give him space and more time to get used to the idea of a ready made family. By the way, are you ready to have more children? You know he will want at least one or two after you get married. Are you prepared to give birth to two more children and raise 5? Also, I hate to tell you this but after three years and no ring and date??? I would question where this relationship is going anyway. But that is just me. Maybe he wants to keep you without marriage and living together but have a steady date and sex partner. This may be all he is looking for anyway.
2007-12-30 03:07:26 · answer #4 · answered by baseballdad69 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He should of thought of that before he had you move in. He was caught up in the moment when he told you to move in. Infatuated with you because he loves you. But the reality hit when you were actually there that it wouldn't be the fantasy he pictured in his mind. Stress at work, kids being kids and the chaos and stress of the holidays took it's toll and was too much for him. He has to realize that it's not always that stressful and until you get a routine with all of you together it's going to be chaotic. He needs to give it more time than 2 weeks before he makes a decision like that. Talk to him and see if he'd be willing to just give it a try for a little longer.
2007-12-30 04:44:39 · answer #5 · answered by T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, his timing does stink, but at least he made it clear he wasn't ready before you and the kids moved.
It may be selfish of him, but would you rather have found out later? It could be that the sharing 24/7 is really not what he thought it was, and that the holidays gave him an inkling of what it could be, and he wasn't happy. It does involve a LOT of change and compromise to have space for kids in your life (I know, I have 4) and maybe he's not able to deal with that yet.
It's up to you to decide if he's worth waiting for or not, but either way I'd put off even trying to live together for quite a while.
2007-12-30 03:10:56 · answer #6 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think I would leave him. I mean it stinks as far as the timing and you giving notice to your landlord, but you also have to think of it as a good thing for more time to consider all of this. You want to be sure that both of you are on the same page. If you aren't, this moving in together could be more harm than good, not only for your kids but also for your relationship. It is a big step to be with each other 24/7 and if he is unsure about things, maybe you just need to give it a little more time. At least he is being honest and open about his feelings. Try to tell your landlord you need the apt back and hopefully its not too late. Good luck!
2007-12-30 03:05:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
He has given you notice. If this happens now, what will happen when you have four kids and one is his? He has never been married or live with anyone and now he has an instant family? He does love you but he will get tired and say he made a mistake. You need a mature man that knows the awesome responsibility of raising a family. Your boy doesn't. Don't move out, don't do anything until he really sees what is in store for him. If he can handle it, good for you. If he can't you will have to adjust. Good luck
2007-12-30 03:13:08 · answer #8 · answered by Modern Man 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take a deep breath. You are too emotional about this. I'm reading it from an outsider's perspective, and it sounds to me that he is a great guy who loves you dearly, but 3 kids in his normally very-quiet home, and admidst a stressful period at work and the holiday season.... I can see why it would be a little much for him to handle. However it seems as if he's sincere in that he does care for you and want to work things out for you, he just found out that having three kids under his roof is one step too fast for him right now. If you love him, you will understand that moving in with you and your daughters is a HUMONGOUS step for him, and you should applaud him for wanting to give it a go. Now it's your turn to be understanding and realise that he can't become father overnight, and it will take time...start with spending more time with him and your daughters at fun events, like theme parks. As he builds a solid relationship with you and your children, and he gets used to having some 'noise' around him, then he will find it easier for you all to move in with him again. He's a Keeper...because he is trying for you...thank him for loving you enough to do that.
2007-12-30 09:39:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well first of all honey, he should have realized what he was getting himself into, and even if he didn't he still made a promise and he needs to hold his end of the deal, your lease will be up soon and you'll need to move, i would say go live with your mom or a family member or something, or go apt hunting yourself, you might or you might not be able to do any of these things, I don't know the whole situation, but if you can than leave as soon as possible, and if your credit history sucks, or you can't afford to live on your own right now, or maybe you have no other family, than he'll have to understand, and keep his promise and let you stay there as long as you need till you find an answer...hope that helped....
2007-12-30 03:08:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋