Can you help me understand my mother?

Question

Since my mother turned 60 she is not the same woman. She says all the time that she doesn't care about anything or anyone and she only wants to do things for herself. She took off for 3 days right in the middle of the Holidays when all her children and grand-children were reunited (only happens once a year). Her excuse: she was visiting her sisters. And she took off the morning her youngest son got into town and she had not seen him in 6 months. My father had a stroke a few years ago and he's disoriented sometimes and she is just not there for him to physically help him or emotionally support him.

What's happening to our mother? I am 42 y/o and I never ever questioned my mother about anything, I have the most respect for my parents but I am starting to wonder if I should for once say something?

No, she did not have to do anything. Since my father's stroke all family reunions are at the house of their oldest son so they don't have that burden anymore.

Answer 1

Your mom had a "rude awakening". She realized that after all her years of living, she wasn't living for herself, she was living for her children, her brothers, sisters, mother, father, and most of all, her husband.

We as women tend to put everyone else's needs above our own. We sacrifice the little pleasures in life that makes us happy, to ensure we see a smile on the face of those we love most. Your fathers stroke was taken as a wake up call to her that soon, she may be on her own. So she's trying to make up for the "lost time" where she feel she "lost herself" in everyone else (mainly her husband)

She's stepping out on her own and doing some of the things in life she's always wanted to do because in her mind, she may be losing your father soon (and I hate to say that), So she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life being his life support, In so many words.

She probably reflects on things that have happened to her in the past and asks herself a lot of "should have, could have, would have questions" filled with regret for not taking the chances she wanted too, or by doing what she felt would have been in her best interest. I'm not saying she regrets having a family, but she feels like she's missed out on a lot in life by dedicating her life to her family.

It's almost like an identify crisis. She's in the state of mind where she's forgotten who she is as a person, and she's trying to find the old her that had dreams, wants and desires that where set aside for everyone else. And honestly, there's not to much you can do about it but be there for her when she needs you to be.

She's scared, confused, hurt, and angry all at the same time because the possible loss of a loved one will conjure all sorts of emotions. She feels she's depended upon him for so long, that it's now time for her to depend upon herself. Or, she's been the very stitches in the material that has held your family together, and she feels like she's bursting at the seems.

Sit down, and have a long talk with her. Take her out to dinner, or go on a long walk with her, just the two of you, and ask her (for a change) what it is that she's feeling. Try to get her to talk about the emotions she's dealing with when dealing the your fathers health, and mental state. Reassure her that she's not fighting this battle alone. Some times we know our family and friends are there for support, but it sure feels good to know (and hear) that some one is really and truly in your corner. May god bless you and your family, and I pray that all is well with your father.

Answer 2

Has it ever occurred to you that your mum just needed a bit of space and that since your dad had his stroke she has found life all a bit overwhelming? Her 60th birthday may have caused her to have thoughts about her own mortality and what would happen to her husband, your father in the event of her passing before him. Your mum is only human. Taking off like she did was not selfish as you have insinuated, it was probably just her way of recharging her batteries and having a think. Never mind saying she should be there to support your father physically and emotionally.....who is there for her needs, to support her physically and emotionally?! For the past 3 years since his stroke she's probably been there for him everyday but who has been there for her!!
Carers need time off sometimes. Yes, by all means say something to her...here are some suggestions for you
"You've got a lot on your plate Mum, why don't you go to your sisters for the weekend and I'll look after Dad." or "I know things can be a bit tough for you Mum so I've organised someone (a private nurse) to come and help you look after dad" or "You've always been there for everyone else Mum, I am here for you if you need anything".....just a few suggestions for you to think about ok.
If she doesn't get respite care every so often she may end up in an early grave or end up having a nervous breakdown.

Answer 3

After all the years of taking care of everyone now at age 60 , when she thought she'd have some time for herself, her husband needs help. Who is there physically and emotionally for her? Why are you kids not there for both of them helping out ? Why do you think all the burden should fall on your mom? You said your dad had a stroke two years ago when your mon was 58? I would say she needs help from her family and some time for herself. She is overwhelmed and it can only get worst with no help.

Answer 4

Let me ask you ? Has your Mother always been the one to take care of everyone else? It sounds like it and I'm sure she does still care about other people and things but maybe she needs a long deserved break. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. when I was 23 my mom had a severe stroke and I gave up alot and moved back home to help her and Dad out and I'll tell you it was very hard and possibly she may need a break from that too. We all need time at some point or another so just give her the room she needs and I hope for you that all works out. God bless.

Answer 5

How much help does your mother get from her family members? She may be exhausted and overwhelmed with the task of being a full-time caregiver. It is an impossible task (I've had to do it and I know!) and if her children don't take over regularly and help her, I imagine she wasn't too excited to see them over the holidays. If she's "not there for him", who stays with him all the time, cooks for him, deals with his dementia, does his laundry, cleans his home? And a possibility to consider also is how he treated her before his stroke. Was he "there" for her? Loving, gentle, emotionally supportive, trustworthy, loyal? Sometimes women find life with a husband to be a pretty rough journey; then the man falls ill and expects full time nursing, housekeeping, meals, and total attention. That can wear out the toughest cookie in short order. How is your mother's health? Would she even tell you if she were having problems? And if she did, who would step up to help her? You may choose to ask her what the problem is but be prepared. She may tell you.

Answer 6

Sounds like a mixture of your mom rebelling about maybe having felt she sacrificed so much of her life for years and now she wants her own space and life combined with her feeling overwhelmed as well - I am sure she felt that when the kids were grown her and your dad would have a lot more freedom, travel even and his condition has stolen those dreams away. Even though it was not in his control, she probably still resents having to be there to care for him. The kids need to help by taking days if possible to watch and care for dad so mom can have some freedom, or if possible hire someone to help her care for him so she has time on her own. My mom experienced this same situation and when dad died she was actually relieved and glad to have her life back, she loved him but when you see you life slipping away as well, it can be very distressing.

Answer 7

If shes like most of us shes given her whole adult life over to what the children and her husband needed.
Now shes taking some time for herself as she is aware her time may be short and illness may eventually prevent her from independence.
Before she was a wife and mother, she was a woman, as you get older you find that woman again and need to find out who and what she is besides wife and mother.
A little selfishness is necessary after a lifetime of putting her needs on the back burner, don't begrudge her this.
When you are sixty, as I am, you will find yourself doing this too.
Shes not in the least depressed, shes certainly not clinical because she isn't at your beck and call, in fact, I have to say there is an inability to see things from her point of view.

Answer 8

You know sometimes when you get older and live alone all the time, and everyone visits, it can become just too much. I had five people in my house Christmas, and part of the time, they were in my son's house. But they wanted to go out one night and eat and I begged off. I just wanted a little alone time.
Not so hectic, a little quietness, a little peace. It is nice when everyone gets together, but it sure makes me tired.
I would fix breakfast, bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, honeydew melon, milk in glasses, small glasses of orange juice, I would call out, Breakfast is ready, wait five min, no responce, I would walk to the guest bedroom where everyone was either playing on the computer, talking to friends on the phone or doing something else, I would say, "Get your hands washed, breakfast is ready, OK, they would answer, ten minutes later, I would be putting the eggs in the microwave to heat up, then potatoes, then bacon, put dishes back on table, call again, Breakfast is ready, no response, I finally walked back and said OK "I am hungry, I am going to go ahead and eat. So I did, half way through, they finally came to the table. Now, I am a good cook and I try to fix a nice hot meal, no one should just ignore, "Breakfast is ready" they should come in and sit down and eat, still better, would be if they offered to set the table, pour the milk, or at least take their dishes to the sink after they ate, I mean I am not asking them to wash the dishes, nothing BIG like that, but just to lend a hand would be nice. I fixed breakfast, lunch and dinner, for 5 days, washed up all the dishes, cooked all the food, no one ever said, Nice meal Mom, I got up at night to check on the turkey, the ham, to bake the biscuits, I asked one grandson to wash his hands and cut out the bisquits, and he kept right on doing what he was doing before. Tell you what, next time your Mom goes to her sisters ask her to please, take me with her.

Answer 9

Best thing to do is sit down and talk to your mom. Yeah, she might have some issues but shouldn't you know what there are before you send her off to a doctor? And if this is a departure from her behavior before she turned 60, then some needs to sit down with her. It might be depression. On the other hand, maybe she has been feeling like this for a long time and no one noticed. Talk to her.

Answer 10

There is nothing wrong with your mother,you say she is 60,well with so many people that loves your father she probably thought it was just fine to go on her own whatever she wanted and not what is expected.It sounds to me she took time out that was very needed.It also sounds like you resent that well at 60 you have two choices to keep going like you always have and settle for that or take time for yourself which you never had before its too late,Hooray for your mom"s stamina,because she may not always be so spry herself and she releizes it.I don"t think you need to worry about it.Happy New Year!