marriage confusion please help?

Question

my and my husband are thinking of having chrildren. We are living in a 2400 a month home. If I were to ever be a single parent I wouldnt be able to afford such a home. I want to have kids but if i have kids and we decide to split i would be the one to have to leave because of the huge morgage payment and chirldren ususally want to stay in their home (right)? so i would live alone with out my kids in another home and my husband would end up with them and i would be alone.Should I (A) stay in this expensive house and wonder if we will ever break up and he gets to stay here with the kids or (B) should he and i move into something cheaper so when i do have the kids if we decide to split in the future I can keep the kids cause i will be able to afford the home...
dont say you should wonder about breaking up in the future if you wonder that you shouldnt have kids. Dont say that cause i am just being cautious and smart.

I just want to have kids i dont care if we stay together or not

Answer 1

i sometimes felt a bit insecure when i had my 2 children as i stopped working to be a full time mum for 5 years and i had niggling thoughts sometimes that if we ever split i didn't work and i would have no where to go etc i still now only work part time to fit around the children but if you are in a secure relationship just try to relax and i know sometimes this plays on your mind still does on mine after a argument but if the realtionship did break down you would be entitled to half of everything and therefore you probabley would both lose the house as equity would have to be shared and you shouldn't think about losing the kids just because your partner may be able to afford the house i think you maybe need to discuss these issues and also address the anxiety you are feeling as this is something i suffer from and its not nice before you have children all the best x

Answer 2

Take an honest look at all the married couples you know are any of them still truly in love?!?!? When you 2 finally realize you aren't in love anymore and it is time for the divorce all you have to do is sell the house and get an apartment. Happy New Year. You should also learn the facts of life instead of all the lies you have been told before you make anymore decisions the fairy tale isn't what you think it is:

1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me if you want to
hear the truth. You can ask me anything. I don't lie unlike
the other answers you will get.

Answer 3

It's okay to think ahead about what could or could not happen in the future, just in case you are faced with the unthinkable, but you are OBSESSED with "what if we get divorced."

You say you don't want to hear that you shouldn't have children if you're thinking like this, that you are just being cautious and smart, but you passed "cautious and smart" a while ago. You're already mapping out custody arrangements and where to move once the split has occurred, like it's already occurred! That is NOT indicative of a healthy relationship, I'm sorry and I know you don't want to hear that, but it's not.

Another thing I know you won't want to hear is that you shouldn't have children at this time, but if you're already thinking that far ahead...no, you really shouldn't. There's either something horribly wrong with your marriage or horribly wrong in your head for you to be having these kind of thoughts. You should explore that and get it figured out before you bring children into the equation. If you are approaching just the THOUGHT of having children like this, I cannot imagine the hell you will create for your children. "You can't go outside, you might get hit by a meteorite!" "You can't sleep over at your friend's house, his/her dad might be a serial killer!" I kid but little. I grew up with, and still deal with on a daily basis, my overly-cautious mother. It's no fun, and I just resent her often.

By the way...your new edit..."I just want kids, I don't care if we stay together or not." Do you have ANY idea how horribly selfish you are? You aren't a candidate for having children - on the contrary, you should get your tubes tied!

Answer 4

Possessions come and go in life!
Relationships....love and children are most definitely the better choice to follow after!
Here is an old quote for you to consider.....a friend of mine put it on her dresser because when I gave it to her, she realized that she was chasing the wrong dream and lost me in the end.....the cost was heavy....
“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.”
Michael Nolan
Sell the expensive house....which is only an object and buy a more realistic house for you two for when you have children!
Don't learn the hard way like everyone else seems to do!!!
Save the marriage.....have children which are a blessing....and get rid of the big object that is made up of earthly materials.....it truly doesn't mean anything.....for in fact, last year neighbours of my friend even had a house fire and lost it all.....but she continued to build two houses anyway.....she never learned!
Sad.....

Answer 5

you don't have to be married to have kids--but it does make child reariing easier.

you are obligated to provide food, clothing and shelter to your children--living beyond your means definitely makes this obligation difficult.

you call it being "cautious and smart" but i respectfully disagree. you consider your spouse fit enough to parent a child with you. yet you anticipate him losing role as your spouse? i say you're being selfish and inconsiderate. think about what the children want/need and how your attitude toward marriage and family togetherness will effect them. you'd rather down-size and live in a manner YOU can afford in case you decide to dissolve your marriage just so your ex-spouse and kids won't enjoy the more expensive home/lifestyle built on the salaries of two? that's mean. you're only thinking about what you want, what you can do, what you can afford, you, you, you.

i 100% agree with those who say that you shouldn't even have children if you're not trying to make your marriage work. talk to some single mothers out there STRUGGLING, regardless of where they live--on 2 acres or in a 2 bedroom apt. listen to some divorcees or step-parents doing the every other weekend shuffle. talk to some kids with the set of friends at dad's place and the friends at mom's place and deal with the who-do-i-invite-to-my-birthday-party dilemma.

lady, you don't know what kind of problems you're asking for. seek some marital counseling and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. as is, your plans will wreck many more lives than just your own.

Answer 6

It's wise to be cautious but sometimes fear can create what we are trying to avoid, so be a bit careful. If you were to split, as a single parent with a mortgage, you would get help with repayments from (hate to say it) social security. However before this happened, your husband would be obligated to help.
(I'm assuming UK here). Most sensible thing to do I think, is talk this out with your husband to be, to see what kind of arrangements you would make if you decided to split.
The most responsible thing to do, if the marriage did not work would be to agree it is over, but not to separate until financial arrangements are taken care of, such as selling the house at that point.
Many things in a marriage are rather unfair on a man, but as a mother there would be many legal obligations put on him, so it would be wiser from his point of view to come to a mutual agreement with you. Talk to citizens advice to find out the legal obligations and put your mind at rest.
(you didn't say if you had a joint mortgage or if it was in his name or yours, but either way it would be very hard for him to make you leave, and he would still have to fulfil his obligations, so you have little to worry about)

Answer 7

OK, Then I'll say this..... If you are married and worried about splitting up, then you should not be married. It's not NORMAL to have the worries you have. All the worry about breaking up will cause a break up. So you should not have children, b/c you will not be married long. You be clocking your husband day and night. You'll spend years fighting with him, and asking questions on here if we think if he is cheating on you b/c he comes home late from work. Your future children will have panic attacks from the stress. You worry about the wrong things. May I suggest you get some mental help.

Answer 8

Do not live your life like it might all fall apart. You will miss out on it. If you do split up you can take the kids with you and sell the house. Both of you could live somewhere cheaper. I don't know if you work or not but you should keep up your skills and save your own money in case this happens also. Make sure that you can always take care of yourself if you have to.

Answer 9

Worry, worry, worry about something that has not happened and may never happen. What happened to live for today? If that day should ever come, you need to deal with it when and if it does. If you are so truly worried, then don't ENJOY the bigger house in the time that you DO have with your husband and kids.

Answer 10

your right to be cautious, because stuff happens. just don't dwell on it too much. if it were ever to happen your kids would probably go with you because your their mother. talk it out with him about your fear, i'm sure he can tell you otherwise, unless you guys are having problems and that is why the question arouse, then see a marriage counselor