I'm so depressed. please read?

Question

I don't know if writing here will help me but I am kinda desperate and would like to know what others think that may be able to make me feel a bit better than I feel. This year has been a horrible year. I mean prob one of the worse. I am bi polar and have been my whole life but never knew it until about a few years ago. I am 25 and still going to school and trying to get my life in order. Recently I was arrested because my mom and Igot in afight in the car and she was driving and I hit her. I know that is horrible. I know that I should not have done it. There are two sides to the story though. there is alot that she does that she does not own up to. I feel she has always kinda put me down and made me feel worthless. I get these rages that I have gotten since I was little and always was told it was a behavioral prob and it was in a way but it was actually do to my manic episodes I think. I am trying to get my emotions in control but the day i got arrested ... I don't knwo what happened

I really don't know what to do. my mom and I are not on good terms. for the holidays I have been staying at my dads. now I have to go through legal stuff and attorneys and hope I can get this off my record. my dad is helping me and even he is mad at me and i understand but with both of them thinking my life isnt where it should be.. telling me i should have a job..w hich i should but have been going to school full time which is hard. I feel I don't have much encouragement. I am not a bad person but for some reason things just haven't been going good. I have been very suicidal. I have depression anyways and it is getting worse. my dad practically told me today that i am old and that he hopes my brother(who is 21) will be at a better place in life when he is 25.. my age. that jus tmade me feel worse. i mean i feel old now. i feel worthless. i am going to school but my mom doesnt even want me to go. she wants me to be committed. i have been in psychiuatric hopsitals but doesn't help.

I just feel like I am down at hte bottom. Like all the way there. I don't feel like I am what my parents want me to be. like I have disappointed them. It hurts that my mom won't talk to me.. that she prob hates me. that i hurt her but she also hurts me but no one cares about that. I am 25 and I feel old and feel like my life is over. =( If someone could answer.. maybe give me some owrds of wisdom. please dont answer if you dont have somethin ggood to say.. i don't need that right now.

one more thing.. I have been getting treatment sinc eI was 18. I take meds and got knocked off my moms insurance so I have been trying to get help through county. I have had some excess going to the emergency room to get written prescriptions so i can refill them until I get on insurance at school. I am in between schools. I was accepted into a univewrsity and theone i was going to I dont want to anymore. my dad seems to think that I am not doing anythin good since I am not working.. even though i am going to school full time. I am gonna try to start paying for all myself on my own. my parents still helpme. I know that I should be doing that on my own but its been hard for me. I do take meds tho so its not like i havent tryed to get this under control. I need encouragement tho right now.. so please don't be rude.

Answer 1

You are 25 and you hit your mother?!? She is a better person than I am. I would have had one less kid.

You are the ONLY person that can help yourself and your situation. PERIOD. It is becoming increasingly too easy to blame someone else or some disorder on why we do not things right. Own up to what you did. Do not blame every failure in your life on manic episodes, behaviour problems, or bi-polar.

Once you start accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions people will respect you.

Answer 2

Although the Bi-Polar disorder is a very real problem, it should be under control if you take your meds exactly the way you are supposed to.
As for the rest of it, Boo Hoo - poor you. I can't believe that you are here trying to cyphen sympathy out of strangers to make yourself feel better. I'm sure that people who don't have experience with Bi-Polar disorder will get totally sucked in, but the reality is that you HIT YOUR MOTHER. That is despicable and totally unacceptable. I didn't see you say once that you were sorry you did it. All you did was try to make excuses by mentioning your problems with rage, how everyone is against you including your father and that these awful people think you should have a job at 25! If you are still going to school full-time, get a part-time job at first and increase the hours to where it is workable. Maybe even work full-time and attend school part-time. As for hitting your mother - in this case, there are NOT 2 sides to the story if the worst thing she is doing is trying to get you off your *** and act like a grown-up. If the BPD is holding you back, go to the Doc and get your meds adjusted.
Decide that you are going to quit wallowing. Decide that you will never hit another human being again. Decide that you are going to get a job. Decide that you are going to be the kind of person your parents will be proud of and respect. They aren't currently the problem. You are. You have the power to change if you choose to do so.

Answer 3

Are you male or female? because if you are male, hitting your mother while she is driving is pretty bad.....I have loads of family problems and I (i am a woman) have hit my father. I understand intense frustration. I don't know what your psychiatric state is, but I can tell you that you may consider leaving home if you can, getting a job and supporting yourself. Go to a city or a place that you have always wanted to live in but maybe thought you couldn't or were too afraid. Get away from a father that tells you that you are old at the age of 25--YOU ARE NOT OLD!! that's rubbish....you can love your parents and have some great memories but that doesn't mean that being w/ family is really the best thing for you now. I have found in my life that leaving the past and lousy memories behind has enabled me to move on and start living my life with less emotional baggage--you will always carry some burdens from the past, but help yourself now, really try to make a break. Get a job and bust your *** to be somewhere you want to be. Find something you like and work hard, get real good at it. At least TRY. I don't know what kind of person you are, i hope that you are good in your heart....you are very young and your life will change and you may well find that you are capable of having a totally different life. Don't expect to be perfectly happy, as this is difficult for most of the world to achieve. Get out after you deal with your legal issues and stay out. If you are in need of medication to control mania or anything else, TAKE YOUR MEDS. Behavioral therapy can teach you ways to manage aggression......good luck.

Answer 4

Okay - so mom and dad aren't exactly the best they could be as well. So let's just put them aside for now.

Let's focus on you. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. You've done that. Now let's move on.

You know that you have a problem. Are you taking your meds? Even if you feel that you are "okay", stay on them.

Next, find yourself a counselor. You're gonna need them.

Find yourself a job. Even if you have "issues", if you are able to work an 8-10 hour day, you will be employable. Get yourself a job. It will earn you some money and help you feel that you are accomplishing something. It doesn't matter if it is McDonald's, Walmart, Target or a bank. Tellers make money too. Get a job.

So next you have to decide - live at home - or find a place of your own - get a roommate. Only live at home if you have the emotional and financial support you need. If not, get a roommate. But not one with "issues". Try your best to find a "normal" person. Believe me, it will help.

Each and every day is going to be a challenge. That's just the cross you're going to have to bear. Don't try to change it. Live with it.

Accepting that you have a problem is the first step. Know that you aren't going to be able to be "like everyone else" is secondary. Apologize to your mom. It doesn't matter that you were right and she was wrong - just do it. In the long run, it will be for the best. The goal here is to make right whatever you can and to move on from that. Think of it as cleaning the slate. Tomorrow is a new day. Think of it as a chance to start over and do it. It's gonna be hard. You're not gonna like it. Things may not get resolved the way you want. All you can do now is just try. So try. You don't have to succeed. Just try.. Do your best. TRY.

Bottom line - you are only responsible for your actions and your reactions. Work on YOU and leave the rest to GOD. I am not a "bible thumper" or a "religious person". But in my years of experience, I have learned that you can only do so much. Take responsibility for your actions and leave the rest to God. It may mean separating yourself from your family and friends, but if that is what it takes to get you better - then do it.

It is time to take responsibility for you. It is you against the world. In time you will find someone to help you, to be with you, to make you the better person, but until then, you are all you've got.

I wish you the best, I wish you well, I wish you strength, and I wish you love. You deserve it. You need it. You owe it to yourself to give it to you. Best of luck and all the love ....me

Answer 5

First of all, you know you are bi-polar and need to be on meds. Start there and take them and keep taking them. Second, you know what you need to be doing to pass at school and to succeed at whatever it is that you are currently taking at school. Concentrate on getting that completed and I think when your parents see that you are working at something with a goal they will feel better about you. At 25 you must have expenses so maybe a one shift a week job would be good for you. It would give you another interest and you can meet some friends. I'm sure you aren't doing school work every night of the week. The night your free of homework maybe work then. Back to your parents, they have alot of frustration because they are worried about you. If you show them your trying to finish school so you can get a job and there is a future for you that will make them relax a bit. Your depression is coming from their anxiety towards you and their anxiety is coming from not knowing what your future will be. That is a start and everything else will fall into place once you get the groundwork done. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Hi! How are you doing? Read you story and feel pretty sad about what happened. Please understand that you are a human. We are all different and we all have our problems. Suicide is not good thinking. Even that wil cause trouble and deep sadness and guilt for those left behind. You feel bad about the incident with your Mom. Don't make it worse.

Talk to your folks, AS for help rather than criticism. It is easy to criticise but not to easy to take corrective action. They do love you, you may not know it. They do, They just don't know how to deal with the problems you have.

You are going to school - OK What is the goal? Make a plan for the future what do you want to do. What work or study? Map it out. Then work toward that.

Keeping with the meds is a good path. The mportant thing for you - stop worrying about being this or that and just try to be alive, happy and make the best of the situation.

Get anger managerment classes. That has to come under sontrol. Don't argue with the parents. If things get rough, politely excuse yourself and get away before the shouting starts. Defintely make some friends. Don't discuss the problem, discuss the feelings. People, as here, will try to help you. Life has a lot to live for - Imagine the future and what it will be like. Be glad to see that and know you will have a part in it. You are a good person and your feelings are real. Be yourself, Keep things under control. Get some goals, get some friends and make every possible appology to Mom. You know that she carried you for the first part of your life. You are her flesh and blood. That can never go away or be changed. Go to her and tell her how sorry you are. That will make you and her feel better.

Don't doubt yourself. You are not a failure. You are alive, You are intelligent and you have dreams. Make it work. Things are going to work out for you. You must make it happen, though. You must get that rage under control and you need help from professionals for that. One other thing. You folks are human as well. They have problems, fears, joy and sometimes they don't understand themselves either. Make allowances. Yes, there are 2 sides to a story but don't use that as an excuse. OK? Promise me that.
You CAN do it. Ask you Dad for some help, talk about plans and ask what he suggests. Listen to him. Don't use school as an axcuse for not getting a job. . School should have been over a few years ago unless there is a reason for the break.

You CAN do it. Just take life easy and don't get frustrated. OK? walk away from arguements. Make a plan, Get back with your parents. Hey, forget the suicide thing. That is out. OK? Let's stay cool. you can e-mail if you wish.

Answer 7

When people are raised and told while growing up they are bad, horrible, awful kids and will never amount to anything, there are two things you can do. First, you can prove them right and just be the useless idiot they have always told you that you are. Or, you could do your best at school and get your degree, get a good job than shove it in their faces. I personally like the second choice better. You seem to be on the right path, going to school is a big plus for you. Stay with your dad for awhile if you can till things between you and your mother calm down. If you can also find a part time job. You can do it, a lot of people do. Than go full forward with your life determined to be a great person. It is a wonderful feeling when it comes time to shove people's face in it, you'll see. One last thing, don't ever hit one of your parents. That's a big no-no, even though I know some parents that need it. Your time will come just chill out for awhile.

Answer 8

Hi,

I don't think you are soley to blame all for your rages. It's not your fault that you are suffering from this black mood disorder. It is probably partly due to inadequate parenting. I don't think it's a coincidence that your mother puts you down and your parents are divorced. That's bound to be one reason you are bi-polar. You've had a hard life. You've not been cared for as tenderly as you could have been cared for. If I was you - and I know this is hard - I would find friends who appreciate you for the things you are good at and enjoy. Find things you enjoy doing for yourself and don't worry about pleasing others. Find a church that is Bible based and Christ centered and find the healing that all humans need from God in the fellowship of believers. It's insulting that people dismiss others with labels like bi-polar and depressed. You are a person, a human being made in God's image and worthy of a huge amount of respect. Always remember that, even in your darkest hours, you are dignified: a human being, loved by your creator.

Answer 9

Hey, hey, there's hope for you! I don't know which state you live in but you might be eligible for state funding. Go to the State building in your area where they give food stamps. They should also have a program for your medical needs. You can also go to a free clinic and tell them you need help especially for counseling. Don't be so hard on yourself. In my opinion, your parents are not supportive compared to how they should be. I know you shouldn't have hit your mother but she also knows you are mentally ill. No disrespect, Baby, but you are. They should be proud you are going to school full time with all your emotional problems you have. They should be building you up and encouraging you instead of tearing you down. You know, if your mom is acting the way she is, she could also be suffering from some emotional problems. Go for counseling so you can hear from someone that you are the queen you are, Sugar. You're NOT alone, ok?

Answer 10

The fact that you are having outbursts and then severe depression tells me that you are either not taking your medication or you need to check your levels and have your medication adjusted. Your parents are worried about you and frustrated because you don't have your bipolar episodes under control. Therefore, they are reacting in a non-supportive way. Get on your medications to get yourself in control. As far as the legal trouble you're in, an attorney can probably get a little leniency for you if you get on your medication and STAY on it. It will make things better for you in the long run.